If you have been following here, you know that the internal conversation between me (male) and me (female) has been in large part what has absorbed me for a month or so. It has been necessary for the working over of some pretty major issues that have not been (and won’t be) detailed here, but have only been hinted at. We all have them and if you are like me, they run very deep and the hurts are huge. I did hate myself. I thought it was the male side I hated. It turns out that what I hated was the rift. Now I see a way to heal that and hatred has passed in favor of careful mending; the conversations will continue, maybe for the rest of my life.
Sophie over at Mental Boonies has written beautifully about her ‘other half’ leaving without saying goodbye. It moves me to tears to feel her wonder at the disappearance of ‘him’. Just thinking how close I might have come to the same observations if my path had veered just a bit, gives me shivers. My male side also hates goodbyes, and I felt him wandering away for some of this time. He has been dragged back and is here now, not kicking or screaming or hating anymore.
If you have been traveling with me here for the last couple of months you know that it has been self-examination in the extreme. My friend Petra pointed out to me some time ago that this blog was like me “looking at Rubic's Cube from every angle before starting to turn and twist things into shape.”
Petra, today is the first day of me twisting that darned cube, for the rest of my life I expect.
As a woman, the beauty myth teases and taunts me. If I was strictly male, this would not be true and maybe I’d be lucky, living in ignorance or at the least living unaffected personally by that lure. At this point I am happy to say this unified person embraces the lure. I will not fight it any more. I am hardly unique as a person who is living beautiful inside and unseen on the outside. I look around at the beautiful ladies who are never able to show it physically to the world because they are the wrong body type, or are the wrong age, or whatever real limitation to being some ideal that you want to choose. My limitations are multiple; Big Deal! I still have a beautiful woman inside, and I can live my life to show all the passion and tender-loving-care that exists inside of me, just as those cis-women do. You will see me walking down the street and see a man. If we get to know each other, you will see more. Perhaps you will wonder how a man came to have the perspective I have. If you gain my trust, you may read this and have an understanding, but that should not change anything, for this is the person I always have been. If you did not know why I am that way, did it matter?
Today may be a turning point. I say ‘may’, because this is not a promise to never return and take a hard look again. Mine will always be a life examined. When I chose the name Halle, there were various reasons; among them, ambiguity. Halle is a man and Halle is a woman. You may never know which one you are talking to. I will not know which is talking, because you see, Halle is neither and both, male and female.
My banner quote changed a few days ago, reflecting my intention to concentrate on our family in all its diversity. Before visiting Blogistan, I had no idea what good could possibly come of this feminine part that was ‘intruding’ into my life. No longer ignorant thanks to all of you and the care you show, it is obvious there are all kinds of possibilities ahead. Most important of all, there are friends here and in my ‘real’ world to care about, especially my wonderful best friend, soul-mate sweetie (who is so amazingly patient and loving). I am no longer alone and at war. Most importantly, I am filled with resources to grow and feel human while expressing my femininity and masculinity. I know there is no need for any goodbyes.