Maybe in this lifetime war against myself, my ability to cloak and deceive others and myself has been my worst enemy, because:
My family never knew I hated being told regularly about things I did that were not how a boy should do it.
My teachers never knew how wrong it was being force to go out in the ‘playground’ three times a day to be teased and bullied.
My male school chums never knew how much I longed to go and sit and talk to the group of girls ‘over there’.
The girls over there never knew that I just wanted to be one of them.
Nobody ever suggested there was a solution to feeling like an alien in your own body, like a stranger on the planet.
Maybe the rest of my world didn’t know or care about these things because it wasn’t their job to understand me. That was my job, and if I had been doing my job, maybe I would have refused to work so hard at pleasing everyone by making myself look and act as they expected. Maybe if I had just refused to play with the boys, gone over and sat with those laughing girls and laughed with them, the war against myself could have been avoided. Maybe instead, I would have had a good war against the parts of the world that interfere with people who just want to live their lives authentically.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever received came via my Grandfather. He said “It is alright to make mistakes. You need to make mistakes in order to learn. Just don’t make the same ones over and over!”
So, it could be true today and for the rest of my life, that by refusing to work so hard at pleasing everyone, making myself look and act as they expect, refusing to ‘play with the boys’ if I don’t feel like it, going over and sitting with those laughing ladies so I can laugh with them, maybe I can become the best I can be NOW, and forget about a lifetime of regret that taught me these lessons.
Maybe it isn’t too late to stop hating the man I became because of my choices.
“Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset”