Diana, over at Salad Bingo has a very positive post reflecting on her new life, four months into her 'real life test'. One paragraph from that post stands out for me, as I attempt (in vain at times) to wean myself from the façade to the outward presentation of an authentic version of who I really am; a genetic male with lots of 'female' working in the background.
“I don’t believe I’m exaggerating by saying I wouldn’t know how to present myself that way.. (as a man) any more. Most who knew me before have a hard time understanding this, but it never came naturally. I maintained it by rigid adherence to a set of habits. Don’t use your hands this way. Don’t walk that way. Don’t use that word. When you’re uncertain how you’re being perceived, do this. Stand like this. Pretend to be interested in those things. Ignore these other things. Feign distaste for that. Act aloof. Pretend not to notice emotions. Pretend not to care. Etc. etc. ad infinitum.”
Since the beginning of the holiday season, let's say mid-December, I have allowed one of my old phony personalities back into action. It happened first by accident. I noticed it, and hated myself for it, but 'he' got me through a difficult afternoon and evening, so I let him back in. He has been back several times since.
It is like having an 'out-of-body' experience I would guess (never having actually experienced such a thing). I watch myself talk, and use my hands that way, and walk that way, and so on... and I hate it, but I do it, because the alternative is not working well yet; not well enough to be sustained in a crowd that has known me for a long time.
I hate this; it is like not really existing. But what can I do? Being a man by relying on my 'cloned males' is what I have done for so long, and being a woman is not really an option. Being someone in-between is a work in progress. What if .... let's not go there, for now.