"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Something Has Changed

Something has changed in my internal landscape; hard to figure out why, but the what is easy.

At the time I started blogging, my attitude toward 'dressing' was very serious. It was serious enough that I wrote a post: “This Girl's Guy Won't Do Drag “, in which I pointed out the reasons that I couldn't imagine dressing up for a charity as a woman. Basically, making fun of women bothered me. I also worried that if I did that, my sweetie would not believe that “my feminine nature deserved a proper outlet”. At the time, I felt confused by my own reaction. It might have been the seed of the change since making me uncertain of those feelings.

So, what is different now? I still want my wife to know that I don't intend to embarrass her or myself when I am out as Halle (which still has not happened; let's remember I have taken a 'baby steps' approach to this). When I dress at home, it is hardly anything over the top. I have a pair of beige jeans, some classy pinstripe slacks, a pencil skirt, three sweaters and a nice blouse. I have a pair of flats and a pair of slingbacks (they are a bit sexy, I guess) and some jewellery. I've tried to indulge my love of colour with the sweaters and top, and some coloured hosiery too.

I know what some of you are asking; 'where are the photos?'. Be patient please. I am very shy! :)

Anyway, it occurred to me very recently (actually today, and that is why this post) that if somebody suggested a bunch of us dress up as 'French Maids', or whatever silliness might come up, it would not really bother me. It seems that since last April, something inside me has changed. Dressing was never about fetish for me, but I seemed to have a 'reverse bias' that has melted since then, replaced by a calmer, more relaxed person who says; “Why not? Let's have some fun.”

Never say never, I guess. I still wonder; why the change?


  1. I couldn't tell you why, but it sounds good! Calmer, more relaxed, those are good things. Enjoy your wardrobe! Yes, slingbacks can look sexy. :)

  2. I might be that we try to avoid those clothes that we consider 'outlandish' or over the top as 'looking too good' and that would bother some men that we could imitate women so well, or that we looked better than that persons wife.

    That by dressing so well, we let others in on our little secrets.

  3. Living as a male I never liked clothing male or female that caricatured either a female or a male. I am very sensitive to dressing in a manner that does not represent me appropriately as who I am. I guess I am still very serious.

    The problem is, that many of the outfits, like maid outfits are the stereotypical dress of transwomen in the expectation of the people.

  4. Shy! When I started my blog I used a portrait of my mother! Nobody was ever going to see the real me least of all in my Halle blog colours!

    Once we become comfortable within ourselves and those around us are comfortable with the real us any anxiety melts away. I hope you soon feel that joyous release.

    Caroline xxx

  5. @Kathryn: It is possible that in my mind, the huge difference between the stereotypical 'tranny' and who I am has become clear to me. Because of that, fears of 'betraying myself' in some way have lessened.

    @Caroline: If ever I look as good as you, there will be photos my dear; oh yes. :)

  6. It's not about fetish for me either. I rarely ever get dressed up in skirts and heels. I dress every day, but in the same ordinary casual clothing, that you would see any average woman wear. I just hate wearing mens clothing of ant kind, and whenever I have to, I can't wait to get out of them.

    Melissa XX

  7. I guess that I've already done that. Doing it again at this point would be an all-too-real reminder of times in which I was very unhappy. I don't need to go back there just yet.

  8. Looong before I came here I had a couple of chances, all too brief to dress in front of Amy and our friends. Both times we were playing "truth or dare" and I picked dare. The first time I blew it badly in the fashion department. The next time I had some help from Amy's niece. What I remember from the experience was that the skirt was tasteful, looked and felt good. As I recall, both times I didn't dislike the experience. That should have told me something then, but I was too concerned with playing the upset male that it was easier to ignore. Shades of my facade.

    Looking at the "Halle wardrobe" sounds familiar to me. I have a similar setup and am looking forward to wearing it all. And Amy mentions from time to time helping add to it. My favorite so far is a pair of baggy jeans with the comfy turtleneck sweater. Top this off with a cross necklace and rings, almost every finger. (I'm just shy of the goal there.) Funny, I never thought I'd be discussing fashion here.

    I guess like many here I "stumbled" into dressing as an expression of my female side, after all it's more socially acceptable than sex. And it's something Amy can get into as well. What I didn't count on was that I would prefer dressing to sex. Furthermore it would feel more natural. Like you say Hallie, "why the change?"


  9. I cannot agree with you more that it is surprising to be writing a fashion blog here (well hardly LOL), but women talk about clothes don't they. So, guess what?? That is another change I should have anticipated as my female side emerged, but didn't.

    Prefer dressing to sex?... Hmmmm, I do have a craving for.... where did I put that chocolate bar??


  10. Halle, this could be the start of something here. We'll call it the "C and C society". Clothes and chocolate. One can never seem to have too much of either.

    Big smiles and even bigger hugs. Thank you for being there. And here's an extra bar for "when you need it".


  11. Funny...it would bother me if I was asked to dress up as a French maid, either by myself or with a group. To me, it smacks of fetish crossdressing. I don't have a problem at all with this but I just don't identify with it.

    I do see your point, however, Halle and I suppose that if I were full time it would be a completely different story if I were to go like that on Halloween. But I am not full time and it would be quite uncomfortable for me to be in any kind of outlandish female dress. Just, as Melissa says, every day, comfortable clothes are more "me".

    Calie xxx

  12. It's funny, we're always so anxious to tell the world how serious all this is, do we miss something that our more adventurous sisters benefit from. I worked in the wedding business for a few years and would have found it very easy to indulge my inner TV in that direction but never did: I maintained a distinction between costume and clothing. Perhaps I missed out on something.

    I have a few friends who do maiding. Never been bitten by the bug myself, I suspect a 7 foot French maid would have something of a presence about her :)

  13. The seven foot 'French Maid' might be something to see Jenny... It would definitely get people's attention! :)

    I see women doing dress-up for fun all the time. They do not worry that someone won't take them seriously. Yes, they are more adventurous, but they are no less female because of it.

    Our difference is the "they know I am a man" factor. A big shift in me; I know I am not 'just' a man. I too want to have some fun, and laugh a lot before it is time to just watch others have fun. That time will come, soon enough.