Anne at Ella es asi has asked "A Difficult Question" today. As she puts it, this is a question that was originally directed to a spouse of a 'late transitioner', but really is for the transitioner themselves: "…was NOT your partner aware of their "condition", PRIOR, to your relationship/marriage? Was it not incumbant upon them to be forthcoming and truthful BEFORE allowing the natural progression of LOVE?"
So here I am, not a transitioner exactly, but one who might be close enough to satisfy the criteria, with no excuses, just an attempt to remember what it was like to be me forty years ago, and try to piece together whether what was going on in my head constituted an awareness of my condition. This post started life as a comment to her post, but it grew and grew, taking on a life of its own.
The thing that stands out the most was my deep desire in my teen years not to become a woman, but to be what everyone wanted me to be; a real man. I remember hating myself, and contemplating suicide because of it. I had no idea there was a way out without dying or being reborn in some fashion. I chose life. I reinvented myself and played a part that soon I believed in so strongly; that the weak, silly child was just *gone*.
When I met my wife, I was this man; this mentally tough man who I had created. There was no reason I could think of to reveal how messed up I had been in the past; he was another person. Was it incumbent upon me to be forthcoming? In retrospect, OMG yes; how I wish I had been, yet what would I have told her? What I truly wish is that going to see a healthcare professional had been something even considered to deal with my issues as a teen. I didn't. I did what needed to be done to survive, as I saw it.
This brings me to my current dilemma. It seems unbelievable to me that this lovely person who I deceived (intentionally or not, it does not matter) wants us to find a way to stay together. What price should I not be willing to pay to give her what she wants under these circumstances? I am beginning to answer that question, and it is not what I expected to ever hear myself say, or think.
Regret gets you nowhere. I have apologized for this to that wonderful person who is my wife many times. I am tired of being tired of being that phony person. The fact is, killing off yet another version of myself won't fix anything any more than the first 'murder' did so very long ago. Nobody needs to die. No new creature needs to be fashioned. I just need to learn to be myself and live that way; no façade, no excuses.
As a selfish aside, we spent part of the weekend past with our 'kids' who are both in their thirties now. I cannot in good conscience leave you thinking that there is only regret for living this life. What I do from now on notwithstanding, those two, who never would have existed but for my invention of 'the man', have become wonderful friends who I love like crazy!