There are some interesting things going on here in the land of Halle, things I should really try to commit to words. Up to now, it has been enough to find joy in what is happening. Analysis had to wait, but a recent post by a well known 'femulator' made me decide it was time to say something about my sexual orientation.
Yes, I just finished reading Stana's post "The Opposite Sex".
More than once I have lamented that I am not like my friend Petra, or Stana; able to glam up and head out the door, interacting as a woman in the world. Anyway, that is a different post.
Stana's post has to do with sexual relationships, not dressing, and in this post Stana declares herself firmly on the side of being a lover of women no matter how she is presenting.
"When I do outreach, one question that often comes up is which sex is attractive to me. Since I look, walk, talk, and behave exactly like a woman, the expected answer is "men," so when I say I prefer women, the audience is thrown for a loop ."
I love being with women, and as a "masculator"; one who has emulated a man very successfully (I do have the equipment even if my brain is somewhere else) for a long time, I have loved, and made love to, one particular woman to the exclusion of all others.
Equipment is everything in my opinion. Throughout my life, when I looked at my body, it saddened me to be reminded of my mismatch, so like Stana, as a man, it never occurred to me to fall in love with 'another man'. I was faked out by the equipment mismatch and couldn't find a way to transcend it.
Now if you have been following here, you are probably busting to say "Wait a minute Halle, what about your boyfriend C??" It is an interesting change in heart, being able to love this particular man when through my life I was only attracted to women. It has to do with a mind/body disconnect. C and I share a virtual love and wonderful friendship (virtual and otherwise). When 'with' him, this body does not matter even a little. I am freed from physical limitations. If I could find a good analogy, it would be right here, but this is very new and wonderful territory for me. The feeling is something I am just riding with, a bit like a Jedi mind trick perhaps.
When I am with C, I remember and go with what I am really like without reservation. That person, the one whose body matches her heart, does not have to fake anything and for that time, I have what the amputee will speak of as phantom sensations. Skin tingles. Muscles tighten and relax. My heart soars and the glow of our encounters takes me happily through my days.
Stana wonders at the end of her post "But since my spouse will have nothing to do with my femulated self, does that give me license to seek sex outside the marriage when I am en femme? Should I give into the advances of those guys who desire me? And if I did give in, should I have sex like other woman (if you know what I mean)?"
There are two issues here that both concern me as well.
If/When C and I meet (in the flesh), and confront the challenges of physical love, how will it go, assuming of course that no changes occur physically in the meantime? That is, for me at least, a small thing, strangely enough. I look forward to being with him, and getting to know him that much better.
The other issue is much more difficult for me. C validates me in ways my wife cannot, or better put, will not. She feels as Stana's wife does, that she will have nothing to do with my feminine self.
There is no question in my mind that like so many others before me, this is an extra marital affair, if only in my mind. My willingness to physically confirm that status adds to this 'judgment' upon me.
So, have I "changed teams" as Stana puts it? In my opinion, I have and have not. She is referring to the straight/gay team, and in that sense I have not switched. With my wife, I 'am' a man, because that is how I behave, and physically that is how I was made. So she and I 'couple' as man/woman. With C, he is a man, because that is how he behaves and feels and acts and I am a woman, because that is how I behave, feel and act. So, he and I are man/woman.
In one sense though, I have switched teams, and some might want to argue this one. I am exploring sexual relationships from the other team's point of view, that is, the female team.
Transcending the physical has never meant anything real to me. Now it is everything. I keep asking myself, how long can my mind transcend my body's limitations?
How long can I stand dipping my toe into an experience I want so badly to be real?
What if there comes a time when it isn't ~ enough ~ ?