"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Changing Teams?

There are some interesting things going on here in the land of Halle, things I should really try to commit to words. Up to now, it has been enough to find joy in what is happening. Analysis had to wait, but a recent post by a well known 'femulator' made me decide it was time to say something about my sexual orientation.

Yes, I just finished reading Stana's post "The Opposite Sex".

More than once I have lamented that I am not like my friend Petra, or Stana; able to glam up and head out the door, interacting as a woman in the world. Anyway, that is a different post.

Stana's post has to do with sexual relationships, not dressing, and in this post Stana declares herself firmly on the side of being a lover of women no matter how she is presenting.

 "When I do outreach, one question that often comes up is which sex is attractive to me. Since I look, walk, talk, and behave exactly like a woman, the expected answer is "men," so when I say I prefer women, the audience is thrown for a loop ."

I love being with women, and as a "masculator"; one who has emulated a man very successfully (I do have the equipment even if my brain is somewhere else) for a long time, I have loved, and made love to, one particular woman to the exclusion of all others.

Equipment is everything in my opinion. Throughout my life, when I looked at my body, it saddened me to be reminded of my mismatch, so like Stana, as a man, it never occurred to me to fall in love with 'another man'. I was faked out by the equipment mismatch and couldn't find a way to transcend it.

Now if you have been following here, you are probably busting to say "Wait a minute Halle, what about your boyfriend C??" It is an interesting change in heart, being able to love this particular man when through my life I was only attracted to women. It has to do with a mind/body disconnect. C and I share a virtual love and wonderful friendship (virtual and otherwise). When 'with' him, this body does not matter even a little. I am freed from physical limitations. If I could find a good analogy, it would be right here, but this is very new and wonderful territory for me. The feeling is something I am just riding with, a bit like a Jedi mind trick perhaps.

When I am with C, I remember and go with what I am really like without reservation. That person, the one whose body matches her heart, does not have to fake anything and for that time, I have what the amputee will speak of as phantom sensations. Skin tingles. Muscles tighten and relax. My heart soars and the glow of our encounters takes me happily through my days.

Stana wonders at the end of her post "But since my spouse will have nothing to do with my femulated self, does that give me license to seek sex outside the marriage when I am en femme? Should I give into the advances of those guys who desire me? And if I did give in, should I have sex like other woman (if you know what I mean)?"

There are two issues here that both concern me as well.

If/When C and I meet (in the flesh), and confront the challenges of physical love, how will it go, assuming of course that no changes occur physically in the meantime? That is, for me at least, a small thing, strangely enough. I look forward to being with him, and getting to know him that much better.

The other issue is much more difficult for me. C validates me in ways my wife cannot, or better put, will not. She feels as Stana's wife does, that she will have nothing to do with my feminine self.

There is no question in my mind that like so many others before me, this is an extra marital affair, if only in my mind. My willingness to physically confirm that status adds to this 'judgment' upon me.

So, have I "changed teams" as Stana puts it? In my opinion, I have and have not. She is referring to the straight/gay team, and in that sense I have not switched. With my wife, I 'am' a man, because that is how I behave, and physically that is how I was made. So she and I 'couple' as man/woman. With C, he is a man, because that is how he behaves and feels and acts and I am a woman, because that is how I behave, feel and act. So, he and I are man/woman.

In one sense though, I have switched teams, and some might want to argue this one. I am exploring sexual relationships from the other team's point of view, that is, the female team.

Transcending the physical has never meant anything real to me. Now it is everything. I keep asking myself, how long can my mind transcend my body's limitations?

How long can I stand dipping my toe into an experience I want so badly to be real?

What if there comes a time when it isn't  ~ enough ~ ?


  1. I have some major disagreements with Stana's post, which I shouldn't go into here, but since your referenced her post, I suppose some of that will come out.

    Before I get into it, I'm thinking you don't really want to be like Stana or Petra. Dressing up and interacting as a woman, but not being a woman, is not what you are about. At least I don't think so.

    I don't think equipment is everything. But it's certainly fundamental, and without the correct equipment, there is no "making love like a woman." Oh sure, women (and men) make love in all kinds of ways, and none is more legitimate than another, but there are ways only a female can make love, and that's definitely about equipment.

    As for your virtual experience, you know I had something similar several years ago. And when my virtual partner and I would make love, I would feel sensations in places I did not yet have. Powerful. Overwhelming. When you can't have the real thing, virtual can be a darned good substitute -- better, I'd say, then dressing up. Unless, of course, that's your thing.

    My real-life partner knew about my virtual affairs. She joked that we had become polyamorous, and indeed in some ways we were. Maybe that's the best way for you to think of this -- rather than, say, cheating. I suppose it depends on whether it's secret or not.

    As for changing teams, I went into that once in a blog post. My sexual orientation was more like "toward other" than "toward women." So when I became fully female, "toward other" was still there, but since I was now looking at the world from the other side, I found myself attracted to men. That seems to be what you are experiencing. Most women are attracted to men. Some are attracted to women, as some men are attracted to men, but in the population as a whole that's relatively rare (far less than 1 in 10, despite Kinsey's claim). You, sensing yourself to be a woman, are right in the norm.

  2. Ariel, you are speaking for me too when you wrote "When you can't have the real thing, virtual can be a darned good substitute -- better, I'd say, then dressing up."

    Having said that, when I wrote that I lament that I am not like Petra or Stana, it had two parts to it. I would love to interact with the world as myself. More to the point though, I wish crossdressing was the satisfying experience it seems to be for them.

    I suspect there would be different feelings; less like cheating, if C was a virtual person. I realize however that even in 'Second Life'or the like, these are real people you are interacting with too.

    Life can be very complicated, can't it?

  3. I think that instead of playing for a particular team, you seem to be more of a double agent.

  4. To some extent we all tend to get to that crossroads in one or another fashion. The one, where virtual expression feels more authentic because it provides expression of a truth about us that is otherwise buried.

    I have long found that it is really self love that I experience in that realm. And often what I experience as the other is just a reflection of our own desires.

    So then the question is, is it Agape or Eros driving your particular relationship. And, to what extent is a tender love relationship an intrusion on your marriage if it is the former.

    I love your closing three questions. It is the third to which I have no answer. It has the ring of the inevitable. And is it's consummation hubris?

  5. So much to comment on here, and about time I did yes? So ....

    One of my oldest friends is one half of a gay couple. I knew his partner slightly before they met through intersecting social circles as the long time boyfriend of a female friend of mine. He was easy and comfy in his hetero life.

    That relationship ended, and a couple of years later he was in a committed homosexual relationship with my dear old friend. Great couple, clearly loving and happy.

    I asked "so, was there a moment when you knew you were gay?".

    His response - "I am not sure that I am or that it matters. When I met X I fell in love. Orientation subordinated itself to that truth” (or words very close).

    That was revelatory, and very happy-making to me.

    I tell this story dear Halle, to gently challenge your contention that equipment is everything. I rather think that our uses of the equipment is key. We should be able to subordinate the baggage (not quite certain if the pun is intended) that comes with the equipment. And in your care of Halle you clearly do. Bravo. May I move on?

    Matters of fidelity are a horse of a different colour though yes? Fidelity has strange borders. Everyone has imagined themselves for a moment in another situation. Is that infidelity? If so, we are all cheaters, and so I think not. A physical, sexual relationship outside of a committed relationship? Certainly an act of infidelity. In between these states lurks the longing for an emotional attachment, for intimacy and tenderness that is not shared with one’s partner. Here you are.

    I propose that you are less challenged by matters of team than you are by the rules of the game. You say as much when you say “this is an extra marital affair, if only in my mind”. Only in your mind? That is the only place that counts. Reconciling that issue seems a bigger challenge than the relative trivia of making parts fit by the candle light.

    Be sure my friend to be careful, when reminding yourself that you are presently in an extra marital affair. Perhaps, yes. You are somewhere athwart of a border, but it is hard to say where or how much. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You might wind up being a judge with an in for a penny, in for a pound kind of attitude. Don't get reckless.

    How long can you stand dipping your toe in? Longer than most men and women combined I suspect. You draw that strength and maturity from a deep well that was always there before the well was named Halle. I hope you never lose sight of that.

    Bit of a ramble here darling. Thinking about you. Sorry to have been away so long.

    1. Dear Petra how I love your rambles. :-)

      was there a moment when you knew you were gay?".

      His response - "I am not sure that I am or that it matters. When I met X I fell in love. Orientation subordinated itself to that truth”

      As an addendum perhaps to this post and in response to you dear Petra, I have realized that when C and I do have a chance to be together in the flesh, that if (and I do expect when "matters of the flesh" take their course, I will not care what label anyone else will put upon that, if they find out. Ours will be love expressed, and as I was recently reminded, "love is love" and no other labels need be used.

      On the issue of rules of the game, another thing I have recently learned, is that keeping something private does not make it a bad thing. I once felt guilt and shame about many things. When you eliminate those destroyers, many acts and even thoughts that are private become good and right. In other words guilt and shame are not the only reasons to keep something private.

      Thanks again and yes, it has been a while, but it is wonderful when you do stop by! xx