An old issue has come back to haunt me, related to that womanly heart that has been stuck all my life in a man's body.
For most of my life, I have had only one girlfriend; I married her. We are good friends mostly because, as she reminds me, we know each other so very well. We have shared history after all.
She and I compare notes on the women in our social circle, some of whom are her friends.
It comes naturally to notice the outfits they wear, and what makeup they are wearing and how appropriate each is for the occasion. Hairstyles and what sort of cut their stylist gave them get checked out and how they conduct themselves gets checked out too. It is fun to compare notes with my wife of course, because she notices all these things too. Her women friends are sometimes my friends too of course, but they are not my 'girlfriends'.
Since blogging started, I have developed a circle of friends here of course; you have been catalysts for growth and positive change; thank you all.
What I have noticed most of all though is how rare it is for me to meet someone in my 'real life' who I think I would want as a friend. Amazingly, in the last few months it has happened, three times. One of these three women is also my wife's friend, and that complicates things, but she knows and is understanding about my transsexuality. There are two other women who I have got past the superficial stages of conversation with, moving into feelings and what we really care about. No, they do not know I am transsexual, yet.
I am struggling; I want to continue to engage them in this sort of serious conversation. I care about who they are and what they think, and like good friends do, they are also wondering how I think and most of all how I feel about those topics we have already broached. They worry about me sometimes when I have a hard time hiding my depression.
There are problems at many levels with such conversations, not the least of which is an old problem. A man (and that is what they see) and woman who start such serious conversations can very easily seem to be 'coming on' to each other. In my case, it is not true, but it may be for them; I do not really know, but I really care because I do not want to hurt them.
These sort of concerns bring back memories of myself, a teenager, not understanding why my girlfriends could not just be my friends. They wanted more, and when I did not respond appropriately with sexual advances, they started to pull away. I realize how naive that 'boy' was now. They never asked if I was 'gay', but they were likely thinking that, and 'friendship' was lost.
Here I am, sixty, and still wearing the body of that teenaged boy, somewhat worse for wear, about to reach out, and risk much by attempting to navigate the 'girlfriend who is not a lover' conundrum yet again.
More to the point, here I am, considering the possibility of getting to know some new friends; ones who would very possibly be best friends sex change or no. They could become my first real life girlfriends. I would really love that, because they are both wonderful, interesting people.