I have struggled for a long time, and lately have been unable to really put into words changes that are bringing me a semblance of inner peace, finally. It is impossible to put it all into words, but here is a start.
It was some time ago you were introduced to 'C', my virtual boyfriend. This post is not an update on that relationship, something that may come your way sometime, but instead it will concentrate upon the revelations within me, ones that love has generated.
As in the lyrics of that song "For Good", I cannot say if I've been changed for the better, but I have been changed, for good. I will never again feel shame, or (heavens no) guilt about who I am inside or out. Walking through life and observing the young holding hands or gazing into a loved one's eyes has taken on new meaning. Why would I ever have felt shame you ask?
After puberty it was always a struggle to act the way I was expected by myself and others to act. More than one young woman tried to get really close and all were eventually forced to back away. I simply did not have the programming to do the manly things they expected of me. Finally, I found (or was found by) this one woman who could take my hand, and look into my eyes in a way that moved me enough to become her lover. She continues to walk with me and there is love there; a very special bond and the thought of losing her has brought me to tears.
After so long, my spirit that traveled through life hidden inside, a real person who I denied and abused with my shame has finally been given life. That spirit that seemed to be a tormentor for so long has turned out to be the best part of me, and finally we live together as me.
That spirit's prodding caused me to recognize and hate the phony person I was, but that was not her goal. Nevertheless, I was damaged and hurting for most of my life.
She made me want the clothes and the soft skin, but that was not really her goal either. I crossdressed in secret and loathed myself for it; purging and repeating for so long.
She kept pushing me until finally we discovered others to talk with about what I felt. We found friends who cared about the real person who might eventually live here. I realized there were names for the way I had lived, and reasons to believe I was neither evil nor damaged.
Together spirit and mind sought a middle road, but none appeared for a long time. The man continued to fear the woman who desired so much without reason.
When I got to know and fell in love with 'C', our experiences together let me simulate the whole person I need to be. It helped me know that I don't need the clothing, but instead I need to open my heart and accept worthiness and love.
In the best of worlds, I was born in the correct body, and grew up to become the woman.
At some point along the way in this life born male, a second-best scenario would have seen me transition so that I could live some part of that life. Reality is what I am right now.
I needn't feel guilt or shame about that. Knowing that wholeness in some portion is possible, how can I do anything but accept and act on that? I embrace the heart and know there is worth here, something no body issue can ever snatch from me. The body issue is something else and one I am determined to continue to learn to grapple with.
Living through and dealing with this conflict that drove me to think myself worthless and crazy for close to fifty years might have been the best preparation for the rest of my life. If I was twenty, or thirty (and not married with children yet), there would have been no way to 'think my way out' and avoid transition surgery. It would not have been an option if I had felt this way then. I understand 'change or die trying' now.
There is an appreciation here of what the amputee knows as phantom sensations. Body parts not lost, but instead, never acquired light up in my brain when I am "with C". Feelings that remained dormant all my life dance about singing a siren song of sexual experiences only a woman could possibly truly know.
So, there is now some small inkling of what might have driven me if circumstances had been different in my youth. There is a heartfelt appreciation for what drives the younger versions of myself to do anything they must to give themselves a chance at what they know, heart and head, is the only reasonable life that is possible for them.
For me, right now, the heart is full and content, and the head knows it can survive, (and not just a bread and water existence) and needn't send mixed messages to the rest of the body when we give into the impulses that allow for survival in this body, with this mind and heart, as it is. My life is my unique adventure. Truth for me, in this here and now and the circumstances that have been part of this life path.
As I have been reminded this morning, there is no need to explain or apologize for being yourself.
If you have managed to get this far today, thanks for hanging in. Hopefully some part of this has made sense. I may have to re-read it myself from time to time, so what better reason than that to press the Publish button?
Couldn't have got here without you C... xxxx