"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Living With Ambiguity ~ 2

A very long time ago in my short life blogging here, I wrote about my search for a way to live with my reality rather than fixing it. It is hard to understand a longing for something you have never had and nobody has ever described, so it was a very emotional experience to actually read someone else describe the person I wished to become.

In part one of Living with Ambiguity written almost two years ago, there is an excerpt from Annabel, the novel by Kathleen Winter. It was and continues to be that inspiration for what might be for someone with aspects and desires of both sexes in one body. I will freely admit that in my case, the male characteristics of 'warrior strength' and 'potent aggression' have never been ones personally valued in the least. My spouse values these however, and I value her.

Yesterday was wistful and today is real.

By taking spiro, I hope to reduce the detrimental effects of testosterone, and find a way to come to terms with being me, as close as possible to the person I am. My hopes are getting pretty 'last ditch' admittedly. As I have written here, the effort needed to create an all female vessel for my soul still seems extreme and is subject at my age to the law of diminishing returns.

I will concede that by taking spiro there is a possibility of ending up one step closer to that 'other path'. If that is what happens while living true to myself and doing what I truly feel is correct for me right now, then so be it.

10 comments:

  1. Cutting off the "T" supply, literally, put me into a much calmer place.

    I truly thought that could be a stopping place for me I had no real idea that I could follow this path through to the end at the time but just knew that "T" was a bad drug to be in my system. Hot flushes had me asking for HRT, I innocently assumed that would be easy to get if the "T" had been cut off but it was not...

    I loved those times when for the first time my head started to clear of all the gender nonsense. Hope this spiro does the same for you without the flushes I got from my more drastic process...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Caroline. I will let you know how things go!

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you Ellena ~ that is the plan. :)

      Delete
  3. Brave. You're putting a foot in the pool, which is more than I ever did. More than I probably ever will.

    I still don't know what my path is. I know surgery will never be in my future (age, diminishing returns, yada yada). And I have enjoyed functioning as a male.

    I can't wait to read the next chapter in L'histoire de Halle (or L'histoire de Gwen). For the past few months, L'histoire de Meg has been calm ~ I see changes though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's hard to avoid change Meg, so hopefully you will find a path that suits your own unique mix. You seem to enjoy and succeed functioning as a female too, something I have never ventured to attempt, fearing that would push me over the edge since functioning as a male has never felt right and my desire to eliminate all 'vestiges' of maleness is never far.
      In the meantime;
      ... staying tuned for the next chapter of l'histoire de Meg.

      Delete
  4. Halle I do hope this next step helps to bring the peace and authenticity you seek. Interestingly just today my spouse started an HRT discussion with my therapist when she joined me for an appointment. We'll see. Love, Laurie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is wonderful to hear that your spouse is actively seeking answers and a best outcome for the two of you.
      All the best in your own search for authenticity Laurie.

      Delete
  5. Halle, I think this is a good move for you. I do hope it brings with it some peace.

    Calie xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know how much I value your thoughts. Thank you so much Calie.

      xx

      Delete