"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Shifting Focus

While it has likely left a few who visited puzzled, my gentle note to self is working well as a personal mantra.
Attempts to sum up feelings in a few words (I would call it poetry, but am hardly there yet) are open to interpretation by those who read them. We bring something of ourself into play when we hear music, or read a book, and that interpretation is what makes art truly worthwhile.

Perhaps it is a wrong to explain poetry (or jokes), but it's my blog, so here are a few thoughts and feelings that brought on that gentle note.

In spite of being on a lovely holiday, surrounded by beauty and friendship, my gender dysphoria was back. Attempts to claw my way into some light were simply spiralling me inward. Angered by it all, and reminding myself of my commitment to be husband to my wife and father to my children, I thought of the saying

         "You've made your bed. Now lie in it."

This bed I have made is one I have a hard time lying in comfortably. Even with the help of an androgen blocker, it is clear to me that without some shift, I won't survive. At Caroline's suggestion, I tried to look at what I saw with a photographer's eye. 

It is a pleasant thought that my own determination to see my personal bed as a flower bed, not a death bed might end up being a door to helping others too. I can only say at this time that genderless is a way to describe how I feel. 

                                      gulls soar to greet
                                                          night's end's multihued glow
                                                                                healing beauty abounds


  1. Halle, the GD is at it's worst for me when I'm on a vacation, and especially when I'm out of town.

    For me, I very much depend on my long work hours and the many organizations I am involved with to keep my mind from dwelling on my gender issues.

    There are places I'd like to go and see, and I will, but I do need to find a way to keep the gender issues at bay when I don't have my life-line at home....activities, friends, exercise, etc.

    Calie xxx

    1. Because the previous few months had been so much better GD-wise, I had high hopes that this holiday would be different. I understand as you do that the routines we have that help us are difficult to duplicate on the road.

      Photography helped occupy my mind and now I have some very different momentos.

      xxx Halle