"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive boy who often thought he should have been a girl - -

Sunday, 18 May 2014

A Limit That Means Happiness

Two lifelong interests have been music and mathematics. I've said more than once that without music I would lose my sanity. 

Recently it has occurred to me when it comes to keeping gender dysphoria at bay, the things I do that help most have something in common; they all encourage my mind to be in the moment. 

Stated mathematically, it looks something like this
which looks pretty incomprehensible, but really is not all that bad. Let me explain:

First of all, H is me and h is happiness. t is a measure of time, and the Greek letters are other factors that can make me happy. These are things like how interesting the book I'm currently reading is, or how long it has been since seeing our grandchild, and other things like how long it has been since chatting with friends who know my whole story. 

So, 

is Halle's happiness, a function of time and a whole lot of other things.

Now t can be a negative number when I am thinking of the past and positive when I am thinking about the future. The size of t indicates how immersed I am in that time period. And if t could equal zero, that would mean I am living totally in the moment.

So, the equation up above is saying that as t gets close to zero, that is I get closer and closer to living in the moment, my happiness gets so large it cannot be measured ~ the infinity symbol ~ 
Cool eh?

Now, why does making music consistently make me happy? It's because when I am making music, there is no way to think about the past, and no reason to focus on much beyond the moment. There is just way too much going on in your mind. You are living on the edge. The more challenging the piece, the closer t gets to zero and the happier I am with being me. 

Another thought on getting that t value to be small. The best golf I have ever played was when I was totally immersed in each shot as I played it. 

Not what happened before
  ~  
Not what might happen next.
~
Live in the Moment


Friday, 9 May 2014

Forgiveness

timeless was barely posted when a lesson came crashing through the forest like Bigfoot to land on top of me and declare "It's time to remember who you are and why this living in the moment thing won't work!"

Today, a few days later, I'm sitting at the base of my tree again, alone this time, better for that lesson. Bigfoot seems to have gone back into the forest.

As with many of you, things have been rocky with my birth family. We don't get along. Some lose their family when they come out. I never got close to playing the T-card. The challenges started barely three years after I was born, just up there (pointing to my tree at a spot not far above my head), and finally settled down about four years ago. That was when it occurred to me that if I didn't phone them, they would never call me and maybe I should stop banging my head on a wall. 

The lesson began early Tuesday morning. A good friend emailed to ask if the person with my last name in the obituaries in a Toronto paper is my uncle.

She was right. My father's brother, a man who had been a lot of fun at times is gone. I liked my uncle.

Nobody in my family cared to call and let me know. For them, I don't exist.

Waves of anger and guilt and self-blame crashed in and the first few almost washed me out. Waves  ~ nasty, ugly and dangerous. I clung and soon, sooner than I can believe, my first lesson from Aadi brought me to higher ground.

Live in the moment. 

and this one too

Forgive yourself as you forgive others

... not simply words to be recited.

They reminded me to acknowledge feelings and thoughts about the past, and let them wash over, then come back to the present. 

Nothing can alter what has been done, all those close to infinite choices that have made me and everyone else in my little corner of space-time. I realized that for the family who couldn't bring themselves to remember me, there is nothing to forgive. They don't really know me at all. 

I forgave myself for stupid things I said and times I was negligent too. I try to do so every day so that living in the moment and being the best person now is possible.

I thought of my Dad and wrote him a short note telling him how sorry I am to hear of his brother dying. I know how much he will miss him. When you love someone, it isn't about expecting them to love you back. 

My friend thought a note might reach my dad on a good day and open lines of communication... 

What do I think?

Choices will be made.
There may be chances for forgiveness.

Time to bring myself back to the present. What a beautiful day it is here in Central Ontario, Canada, planet Earth. 


Monday, 5 May 2014

timeless

There are ideas I accept as givens that probably, oh, who am I kidding, definitely seem pretty foreign to those who stop by here. Like the idea that everyone's life is like a tree with infinite branches where every choice made and every path that could have been followed actually exists in parallel dimensions. 
As a good reader of fiction, you are of course willing to suspend disbelief... 

"Why, aren't you the clever one now!" Aadi leaned back against the trunk of our tree as she laughed, put the apple she had been eating down and started to clap as she watched me slowly materialized while walking toward her. I love a bit of drama, and nothing like a tip of the hat to your mentor to get their attention in a positive way. Grinning, I curtseyed, "thank you, thank you." 

She patted the log beside her and in what for anyone else would be a feat of legerdemain, handed me an apple that slowly materialized in her hand. "You have more questions don't you Halle? I know that look." she smiled as she said that and I remembered how she admitted enjoying my curiousity. Something she called 'an endearing quality'.

Biting into that apple and looking up at my tree with all the billions of branches, I could see and hear Aadi pointing to one tiny glowing spot and whispering to me, "... and you are... that one." as she had on that day, as though it was only moments ago. 

I wondered how she could possibly know me so well, even tiny details like how much I love cookies and apples. I tried to fathom how someone so obviously powerful could care how I felt, and what I thought. Mostly I wondered how in the world she has the time to visit with and keep track of each of the billions of those tiny glowing dots. 

Her eyes widened, "My, but you are having some interesting thoughts there." She chuckled at my surprised look as it dawned on me that nothing I thought escaped her notice. "Halle, how long ago was it that we met here and talked about this tree of yours?" I put the apple core down, "As a matter of fact, I actually re-read the blog post about that visit just this morning, and it was about eighteen months ago." 

Shaking her head slowly as though to indicate I was away off, Aadi stood and walked around the base of our tree and stretched. Her body seemed to shimmer, and she looked like me, then like Beth, and then so many others, childlike then ancient and every age between, before settling back down to the image of that teacher I met only last summer in a dream


"Halle, take a guess how long it has been for me since these meetings you think of as in the past." 
As though in slow motion in my mind, the penny dropped. 
"I am guessing you exist in no particular time..." 
Nodding, she changed back to the appearance she had when I first met her. "... and you and I are never really separated are we?" 

Eyes glowing at me, her prize student, "Halle, we are one. You and Beth, and the monk from a previous life who you dreamed about too, and so many others who you don't 'remember'." She actually had used her fingers to make quotes around that last word. I almost chuckled at that, and then thought about what it meant. 
"You know what I really wanted to ask you about don't you?" 
Of course she knew, duhh! 

"The first answer is, yes, when you were 'born'," (she did the quotes thing again) "you did it purposefully, and yes, there is a promise we made. The things that challenge you in your life and the choices you made all related to it. Every feeling and thought matters. When you are ready, you will know how, and even when you are aware of it, you may struggle to live it." 
I had never seen Aadi so thoughtful and careful with her words, yet never in doubt like I often am. 
"It might help for you to know that you cannot ever be wrong. No one will judge you for failing to keep this promise. OK?"
"Everything in me tells me that it is important for me to know and understand the meaning of this Aadi."
She smiled and took my hand. "Just remember that by living 'in the moment' with love you are guided to fulfill all the promises that need to be fulfilled." 
I tried something my daughter used to do that had often worked well on me...  'puppy eyes', 
"Won't you even give me a hint?"
"Oh Halle, you know it already. You have been thinking about it." She frowned at my forlorn look, getting more intense and then started to chuckle at my pouting face. 
"Cut it out Halle!" she laughed at me. "Oh, I give up.... Here is your hint. Think of your six lessons. What is lesson number three?"

".. 'on earth as it is in heaven' ...  It's a promise? Oh, ...  Aadi, we really are one?" She nodded to indicate I should carry on. "So, when I remember you, and how patient and loving you are, and try to be more like you would be in whatever situation I find myself in, somehow that is part of my promise; doing my best to bring some of this place to my world and others who I know?" I felt amazed and light and joyous and overwhelmed all at once. "That can't be all of it though, can it? That is so simple!"

Aadi was up and on the move. "Such a lovely day! . Enough serious talk for now. Time to have some fun!" This was an Aadi I had never experienced. I had a feeling there was still so much to learn, but it was obvious that was not going to happen 'right now', even though for me learning was obviously just starting.
  
"How about a three-some?" As she said that, Beth walked out of the clubhouse of a heavenly golf course that appeared to have been there all along, smiling at the two of us. "Hello you two. I was just thinking how nice it would be if the three of us... what? Did I interrupt something here?"

"Beth, whatever would give you that idea?"

I grinned an impossibly wide grin as I took in this perfect, timeless scene and accepted a warm hug from my twin. 


Sunday, 4 May 2014

Ageless




Audrey Hepburn was the most stunningly beautiful person. 











She looked gorgeous too. 


Audrey Hepburn ~ born May 4, 1929

For some of us, she was the model of class. Her voice, her diction, was unforgettable. 

She used her celebrity status well, but didn't believe her press. 

What a pleasure it is to see that Audrey continues to inspire others, even though generations have grown up since she left us.