"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Sunday, 15 February 2015

Not Lucky Enough ~ Luckily

I could never manage to get the plan just right. It wasn't that I didn't hate myself enough. It wasn't as though there was something I could see to live for and it definitely wasn't that I was lacking the desire to be done with it all. 

Love for my family wouldn't stop me. They would get over it. If they had any idea the depth of my despair, they would forgive me. Of course, I had hidden my despair as I had hidden everything; so very well. 

There would be no letter of explanation asking for forgiveness, or explaining what drove me to seek oblivion. On the contrary; death had to be accidental. Had to, so the insurance and my pension would take good care of those I had loved for so long. They deserved better though, and I wanted to get out of the way for a better, happier time I could imagine for them, but never for myself.

I had never participated in dangerous sports, so the most obvious way to go was in a driving accident while commuting. I had to figure how to make sure there was no way I could survive. The best idea seemed to be a loss of control at just the worst place (Poor guy didn't have a chance! And look, he swerved at just the right time to avoid hurting anyone else.), and through the guardrail and down into that ravine. Few of the ravines along that route seemed deep enough. Couldn't risk being alive but crippled, spending the rest of my life as a burden on others. 
Nothing but suddenly and finally gone for me please.

How about a high speed loss of control and into the bridge abutment? Day after day, I waited for luck to send me a situation like those imagined that would let me put my plan into effect. 

Over time, life would get better, then worse again; the plan would receive refining touches. 

Now, with the perspective of years, I know what a waste dying that way would have been; not for anyone else in particular, but for me. So much has happened thanks to being here and being engaged in this search for connection and understanding and wholeness. 

I am so lucky to have never found that perfect, lucky circumstance to die before my time.


  1. What an utter waste it would have been indeed! I am so very glad, for your sake, that you never found that perfect, lucky circumstance for which you sought. But then, perhaps it was never written into your life's script to end that way. For every act of courage there will be consequences, as you have discovered. A deeply moving post, Halle.

  2. I’m glad I have found you, it took time, but here we are. I promise you Halle, I will for my part do my best now and in the future to keep you ‘occupied’ with other things, so that such thoughts and plans stay buried in the past.
    We have so much to catch up on, it’s unbelievable!
    Your Abigale

  3. April wrote in her blog My road redux the transsisters are the bravest of the brave and the ones that never give up. Halle remember these words and, as you said in a recent post, that you are lucky to have some good friends.
    All, all the best to you, Halle!

  4. So glad you are still with us Halle.

    I too experienced suicidal thoughts both before and after transition. The only thing that kept me from taking the steps to end my own life was the knowledge deep down that in an hour or maybe the next day I would feel better and want to live another day.

    Also good friends that would listen to me in my times of despair.



  5. Hi Halle
    I would endorse fully Tom’s and all of the other supportive commentator’s remarks. Maybe there is a guide or a guardian angel in the background. I trust a richer future awaits and you will be able to offer support to others, as you do, along the way. Best wishes

  6. Well Halle, I'm certainly glad you're alive. :) The world's a better place with you in it.

  7. Sounds so very scarily familiar... Glad that neither of us were 'lucky'...


  8. As some of you know, this blog has been about messages I wish could be sent out to a younger self.
    Do you hear that lovely young and loving child? Read these messages young husband and father! Have you any idea how important it is to take your life forward through all the darkness now!?
    I feel quite overwhelmed by this support coming my way. Thank you all so much.

  9. I am glad that the light of survival was not buried by the darkness of your thoughts.

    1. For the most part, I too see this as a light, pushing the darkness away. Although there have been times when I imagine a calm voice inside tells me to stay and take a chance that there is more and better to come.
      May that be true for all of us.
      Thank you dear Ellena.

  10. Powerful post, hon. I've had dark moments too; some of them in the all-too-recent past. Coping with being trans, regardless of whether we transition or not, is all-consuming. I'm so glad you chose to move away from darkness, my dear Halle. My world is infinitely better for having you in it. :c)

    Hugs & love,

    1. And I am so very much better for your presence in mine dear Cassidy.
      Hugs and love coming back at you!