I could never manage to get the plan just right. It wasn't that I didn't hate myself enough. It wasn't as though there was something I could see to live for and it definitely wasn't that I was lacking the desire to be done with it all.
Love for my family wouldn't stop me. They would get over it. If they had any idea the depth of my despair, they would forgive me. Of course, I had hidden my despair as I had hidden everything; so very well.
There would be no letter of explanation asking for forgiveness, or explaining what drove me to seek oblivion. On the contrary; death had to be accidental. Had to, so the insurance and my pension would take good care of those I had loved for so long. They deserved better though, and I wanted to get out of the way for a better, happier time I could imagine for them, but never for myself.
I had never participated in dangerous sports, so the most obvious way to go was in a driving accident while commuting. I had to figure how to make sure there was no way I could survive. The best idea seemed to be a loss of control at just the worst place (Poor guy didn't have a chance! And look, he swerved at just the right time to avoid hurting anyone else.), and through the guardrail and down into that ravine. Few of the ravines along that route seemed deep enough. Couldn't risk being alive but crippled, spending the rest of my life as a burden on others.
Nothing but suddenly and finally gone for me please.
How about a high speed loss of control and into the bridge abutment? Day after day, I waited for luck to send me a situation like those imagined that would let me put my plan into effect.
Over time, life would get better, then worse again; the plan would receive refining touches.
Now, with the perspective of years, I know what a waste dying that way would have been; not for anyone else in particular, but for me. So much has happened thanks to being here and being engaged in this search for connection and understanding and wholeness.
I am so lucky to have never found that perfect, lucky circumstance to die before my time.