Asking why is far from childish. After all, in order to fix a problem it is truly helpful to understand the causes. Fixing things is what we often think of first for some reason and in my own case, it seems to me to have been part of my male façade; a male preoccupation. This is not being judgemental at all; just talking about me right now please understand.
For so many years I twisted in that whirlwind. "Why am I a woman and how can such a thing possibly be? What can I do to stop myself from feeling feminine and wanting everything women want?".. and on it went. Of course, the other classic is "Why does this happen to us?" once we meet others who feel the same impulses. We want to validate our own feelings so we do not feel so other.
The thing about all of this is, because you can't go into your brain and alter it, there is no fix in that direction. The fix if you want to call it that, is to accept who you are, and acknowledge that is right and proper for you. You are not flawed; the world is flawed. Put another way, god doesn't make junk.
What we can understand, and then fix, is how we live and act in the world. We can even come close to fixing our body. If fighting our innate feelings has caused us to be deceitful, bitter or withdrawn for instance, as I was, we can stop all of those things. We can find our own way of relating to the world that does not fight against our deepest feelings.
For so very long, Halloween was a time of terrible conflict for me. Dressing as a woman at this time of year is a tradition for many transfolk, and I get that, but somehow it felt like doing drag, and now I understand my dislike was because that meant I was a man in a costume. Women do drag sometimes. One of my favourites is the Charlie Chaplin look, with moustache, long coat, oversized shoes, bowler hat and cane. A tiny woman can pull that one off just fine, and get some laughs.
This year, I joined some fabulous girlfriends for some of the weekend, and we dressed up and went clubbing on Saturday night. I will leave it to them to post photos and such, and I know they will do that and tell the story much better than I. Let me simply say our time together was fun for me, start to sad finish.
Plans are in the works already for next year, but before that, there will be lots of time to spend with good friends just being me, not just for fun, but because that is what friends do.
We love and laugh and cry and care about one another.
Here we are! April, Alice and Cass and Dea!
|Alice, Cassidy, April and Deanna|