Grandma used to say "betwixt and between". Can there be anything as simple and boring and wonderful as this? I am a 'tweener at the moment; not a man anymore and not showing the world a woman yet. You don't hear people use that sort of language anymore. Perhaps I will start it up again because I am at about the right age to be given lots of leeway as a member of the older set; an eccentric member too. The good news is, I am generally well liked by the people who matter in my life, with good reasons for simply being me at the moment.
Two months ago the post The Drive to Be, Simply Be introduced you, gentle reader, to K, my first girlfriend. You were also introduced to my inner debate whether to bring her into a small group; those who know that I am transsexual.
Among the comment stream Tom reflected the heart of my considerations with three essential questions he posed:
"Do I really need this?"
"Does this aid or hinder my journey?"
"Am I aligning myself with spiritual winners or losers?"
During the two months since those comments, K and I have continued our old fashioned correspondence, and it became clear that we should meet. It happened that a family commitment was to bring her relatively nearby; an opportunity that should not be wasted.
We exchanged phone numbers and I warned her before calling that there was something very important and serious coming in the content of that conversation.
As a few people have mentioned to me and I have confirmed, coming out is different for each person. I ended up blurting again, just as I did for my kids back in the spring. K didn't hang up, or tell me how sorry she was. What she did was ask really good questions and then tell me that little things I had included in our email exchange had made her wonder.
And so we did meet, experiencing that wonderful sort of communication that only happens when you are in the presence of the other. There are things that haven't changed in over forty years. She is a super interesting person, open and definitely a spiritual winner; what I call a balloon. It seems clear that resuming and developing our friendship will further two journeys; hers and mine; a wonderful feeling as though I am back on track somehow, having lost an essential part of myself and now having the chance to find it again.
Do I need this chance to be a different sort of friend; perhaps a better friend than I could be so many years ago? Could this growth I feel being with her again be anything other than an essential part of my journey to fullness?
While it might seem that this was a momentous choice given huge thought and consideration, in truth it was a simple thing. I have spread it all out for you to make a nice bit of reading. There is no other way this could have happened, given who she is and who I am now; no longer conflicted. Just the way it is when one is simply being.
Thank you for the ear-worm dear K...
Thank you for the ear-worm dear K...
Maybe now we could be lovers
We'll share all the darkness in our souls
Don't you tell me lies
I could always see the truth in your eyes
Please don't lead me on
Better just to crush me now and be gone
Way down here under the red lights
We carved our futures on the wall
Somedays seemed too much
I would always bend right under your touch
Morning comes again
I've already move way past all the pain
Gotta rise up
Rise up and take the sky like a new morning sun
If we walk away
Then we walk away never knowing what we could have done
Maybe you're right
We lose sometime
Stand around to see what's fine
Or what will come
That's the risk that we run
Now we can hear everyone talking
Well our world's getting smaller everyday
All our games are played
We gotta live with the mess that we made
Don't you walk away
I can hear every word that you say