"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday 19 August 2010

There Was a Little Girl

I don’t think it was something I said. No, nothing was said that could have caused her to abandon me, but the little girl in my mind isn’t talking to me anymore. Something like Professor Higgins, I miss her rattling around in my brain. I became accustomed to her ways and her enthusiasm and now she is sulking in some corner and is very quiet.

Without her gifts, I am a mess, even worse than before, because I know how light my heart felt when she looked through our eyes and tried to speak. Our internal conversations made me feel alive with anticipation. I enjoyed trying to put her caring feelings into words every day, and even though she wanted so much that I couldn’t deliver…. Oh, that must be it… she has given up on me because she knows I won’t, I can’t deliver on my promise to let her be in control.

I tried to explain how difficult a change like the one she wants would be for everyone, … now everything is 'no go', and she has retreated and it feels pretty gloomy all alone.

I just won’t be dishonest any more, that is all. What did she think a façade was anyway? Did she really think that somehow I could get along in this world with a boy body and a girl mind? Who does she think we are, anyway? Hmm, that really is the question: who do I think I am? Not the guy I was six month ago, he is gone and I don’t miss him. But it is starting to feel like it did then, and even before, and that isn’t good at all.

I want her back. She must know that is how I feel. Maybe she can be happy being a sort of tom-boy… it can’t hurt to ask her how that would be. No more tricks to get her to stay around. We are going to work this problem out, together.


  1. I hope she come back. :-)

    Melissa XX

  2. The voice used to abandon me for periods.

    When it took a holiday I slipped back into neutral, never did male, then she would return with longings and demand and an almost constant agitated mind for the things that could not be.

    When the neutral periods became the most troublesome to me she took over more and more and the rest as they say is history.

    Caroline xxx

  3. In retrospect, as a little girl I tried to be patient and understanding but I was persistent. Like a child in the back seat of a car on a long journey I would break myself away every once in a while from whatever I had been amusing myself with and ask "Are we there yet?" And like a driver whose focus must stay on the road he would try to chat with me for a couple minutes to let me know he cared for her, but every time it was "Right now I'm busy and no honey, we're not there yet." And I would go back to whatever it was that was keeping me entertained. I would be so quiet at times that I saw him glance in the mirror occasionally to see that I was still there.

    Every once in a while I would pop back up into his world and ask my question, each time it would take a little longer to explain that we hadn't arrived and it would take a bit more of his attention to get me to settle down again. What he didn't notice was that in the shortening intervals between asking "Are we there yet?" I was also maturing and watching him drive, learning to tell time and to read a map.

    And finally the moment came when I popped my head up, looked around and announced "Pull the car over, I'm going to drive now." It was not a question, it was not a demand, just a simple statement of fact. Part-time conversation wasn't good enough. If full and undivided attention wasn't forthcoming well that was all right but in the meantime I just went back into my own little world and kept to myself. I was patient and I think mostly understanding, but when the time came I made myself very clear. We're there, it's my turn now.

  4. I do hope you can come to some mutual agreement, to meld both into some acceptable person.

  5. I do worry about this neutral period, because more and more it seems to be clear that a 'melding' is unlikely, unless the tomboy or some similar image works. The old facade clearly sucks and a new one may or may not be any better. The brain does not work well in the absence of a consistent model of the world to work through.

    Sophie's scenario is not appealing because of the various consequences, but if it is the only path to sanity, it is a path and, well, going somewhere is better than the alternative.

    Thanks for the input ladies; much appreciated, as usual!


  6. I don't imagine that she is gone for good. Maybe just staying quiet for a while, lying low. Since she is you, how can she be gone? I hope you don't have to do without her for too long.


  7. I remember periods like this also. But the want to be a woman always came back and stronger.
    I know its easy to think of ourselves as 2 people but we are not.
    You are you and you are working out how to be you and who you are, thats all.
    When you intergrate these 2 parts then you will be wholly you and a lot happier whoever that perosn turns out to be.

  8. Be careful what you wish for, Halle....

    Calie xxx