Without her gifts, I am a mess, even worse than before, because I know how light my heart felt when she looked through our eyes and tried to speak. Our internal conversations made me feel alive with anticipation. I enjoyed trying to put her caring feelings into words every day, and even though she wanted so much that I couldn’t deliver…. Oh, that must be it… she has given up on me because she knows I won’t, I can’t deliver on my promise to let her be in control.
I tried to explain how difficult a change like the one she wants would be for everyone, … now everything is 'no go', and she has retreated and it feels pretty gloomy all alone.
I just won’t be dishonest any more, that is all. What did she think a façade was anyway? Did she really think that somehow I could get along in this world with a boy body and a girl mind? Who does she think we are, anyway? Hmm, that really is the question: who do I think I am? Not the guy I was six month ago, he is gone and I don’t miss him. But it is starting to feel like it did then, and even before, and that isn’t good at all.
I want her back. She must know that is how I feel. Maybe she can be happy being a sort of tom-boy… it can’t hurt to ask her how that would be. No more tricks to get her to stay around. We are going to work this problem out, together.