"You didn't have to be that blunt about it, you know. Now I will have to make up to her somehow." My goodness, she has become hard to get along with lately. The gray hair and glasses make her look strict somehow. She always had an implied edge to her look, but now she has been taking over sometimes and, well, that edgy nature is landing me trouble.
Lounging on the couch, she glanced over the top of her glasses with a look of impatience, pursed her lips and out came; "I did have to be blunt. I had to say something otherwise you were about to go along with yet another plan that would make us miserable. It was no time for an internal conference. We needed to act." She shifted to a sitting position so she could lean toward me, saying, " I have tried to tell you in as nice a way as possible, we are important too. What we want, what we need is also a priority. If you won't accept that, what choice have you given me but to act on our behalf." wagging a finger at me she raised her voice a notch to add "and don't you dare apologize or smooth over what we said. She needed to hear it. Let her think about it and if she wants to, let her bring the subject up again so we can really discuss what matters here."
If I say that I am a "go-er along-er" do you know what it means?
It has been an 'in joke' all of my life for me to say "I live in tyranny"; a little joke that I sometimes will share with others to lighten up the moment, spoken as though I am one who is in fact quite happy to be told what to do and is making light of it.
How long have I been 'happily' submitting myself to the control of others, never considering the damage it does to one's psyche always saying "yes, of course I will do it as you want", or worse still, just mindlessly submitting to the will of another in all respects to avoid an argument.
Like all life-long habits, it is very hard to break, unless of course, you have the advantage of having an emerging part of you that has not been able to express itself for most of your life (did I just call my feminine side an advantage?).
Just like the carefully cultivated male façade, this sort of mindless 'going along for the ride' must be purged from my repertoire before I can move forward in an honest way.
Awesome post. I think this is what you term a 'break through' post.
ReplyDeleteGood for you :)
xoxo
Thanks Laura. It really does feel that way.
ReplyDeletexox
Yes, you called your feminine side an advantage. :)
ReplyDeleteNo matter what else happens, it seems like you will be happier when you make decisions in your own best interest.
Go-er along-er? Do I know what that means?
ReplyDeleteI am your twin on this one!
I'm reading your very well worded post and realizing how many of your strokes of the pen is writing for myself.
Is that wierd?
If you have an advantage, use it! Then you can tell me how to do it.
It is not a surprise to find I am not alone on this one LeAnne, since going along is a wonderful skill for fitting in and being popular. This is the surprise though, to find that my real personality has been pushed so far down that I feel like a stranger to myself as it emerges. Who says women are the 'weaker' sex? Not this one; caring yes, but weak? Don't even go there.
ReplyDeleteSo if I have any advise at this point, it is to not be afraid of being powerful in a new way.
Being a go-er along-er. Something that's easier to do because setting boundaries takes too much effort. And could cause dislike. Could. While the short term "benefit" is not having to steer or navigate, the destination may be disliked.
ReplyDeleteThe difference is dislike experienced by "us" or "them. And I think "them" is in a better position to handle it.
LeAnne is very right. That pen of yours is getting a workout these days.
Sarah