Living With Ambiguity ~ 2

A very long time ago in my short life blogging here, I wrote about my search for a way to live with my reality rather than fixing it. It is hard to understand a longing for something you have never had and nobody has ever described, so it was a very emotional experience to actually read someone else describe the person I wished to become.

In part one of Living with Ambiguity written almost two years ago, there is an excerpt from Annabel, the novel by Kathleen Winter. It was and continues to be that inspiration for what might be for someone with aspects and desires of both sexes in one body. I will freely admit that in my case, the male characteristics of 'warrior strength' and 'potent aggression' have never been ones personally valued in the least. My spouse values these however, and I value her.

Yesterday was wistful and today is real.

By taking spiro, I hope to reduce the detrimental effects of testosterone, and find a way to come to terms with being me, as close as possible to the person I am. My hopes are getting pretty 'last ditch' admittedly. As I have written here, the effort needed to create an all female vessel for my soul still seems extreme and is subject at my age to the law of diminishing returns.

I will concede that by taking spiro there is a possibility of ending up one step closer to that 'other path'. If that is what happens while living true to myself and doing what I truly feel is correct for me right now, then so be it.

I Ain't Doin' Nothin'

You read that right. Doing nothing is not part of the plan, so yes, I am doing something.

My plan says first be a person then do your best to live true to yourself. Here is a start:

Spironolactone 25 mg.

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I was in my middle teens when Barbra first captured me with her wonderful voice; something I have never forgotten. Watching Funny Girl on the big screen I can remember disturbing feelings Omar Sharif's Nicky Arnstein brought and wondering what those feelings meant. 

What I remember even better though, I was Barbra singing "a feeling deep in your soul, says you were half now you're whole, " "but first be a person who needs people"

true to myself?

It seems so long ago I set my goals: 1. Stop being phony.  2. Be true to myself.

To avoid being phony was easy and a bit like being on aversion therapy. Every time the old bits of the façade were dragged out to make me seem really macho male in some situation I would (every now and then still do) mentally grab myself by the scruff of the neck and shake until it passed.

Part 2 has been a problem. Start living true to what?
I am going to be brutally honest here. Given the standard question of sex identity, being true to myself and who I want to be, what I feel in my bones I must be is now seeming impossible to achieve.

Obviously, when I say impossible, I am not talking about sex change here because yes of course I could begin hormone therapy. I could have electrolysis and laser and get rid of the body and facial hair. I expect to have lots of time for FFS to fix the nasty bone structure. Lots of life left to take voice lessons to sound the part. Last but definitely not least have my SRS and finally get to the place to be physically where my friend Beth is now.
Oh wait, I forgot to mention invention of a plausible history to avoid being identified as trans for the rest of my life whenever I get into a conversation about life and love and ... oh, I had to go and mention love didn't I... sigh...

What part of the reinvention above is really part of 'living true to myself'"? I say none of it. I would do all that necessary reconstruction in order to put myself into a body where I could then begin to find that true person, in other words, this would be part a plan to eventually live true to this new and properly aligned self image.

As with any one of us, living true to myself would also mean following my heart to love. No matter your orientation, love truly makes life worth living.

Now Beth didn't seem inclined to find herself a lover, but she had forty plus years of that to look back upon. I am this person of no female history, so I ask myself, how many 60 something single women are finding love affairs out there? And is it love if you are not honest and open with the object of your affection? So rephrasing, do I expect a reconstructed woman of trans-history in her 60's will find a lover to share life with? Can I begin my life and live 'true to myself' by starting all over and giving up that part of the dream? Do I have the heart to follow a path that cannot ever lead to my hearts desire?

So to deal with item 2 on the wish list, back to the beginning I go, asking myself "what does it mean to be true to myself with what I already have"? The cynical man moping in the corner says "You're screwed.  You want the body, you want the clothes and the life only becoming female can give. You can't give that up and you will drive yourself crazy trying to."

There is a more powerful person developing here; a non-linear thinker who refuses to be put into a box and tossed away. This person reminds me that everyone who lives in their 'here and now' has to accept a personal history and the limits that puts on them. The person in the wheelchair knows they will not climb a mountain. This does not mean they have no personal goals left that they can pursue.

This inner voice that speaks in such a feminine way to me says it is how I self-identify that is important because self-identification defines us. If I assume that sex is the number one factor of self, then the cynical guy hunched in the corner is right and I am totally messed up.

Her inner voice asks new questions.
What qualities other than my sex define me as a person? 
Could I begin my self identification statement with something other than "I am a (wo)man who..."?
Am I powerful enough, self assured enough to expect my world to accept me as the person I am becoming?
What are the dreams and goals of this real person living true to herself today?
Hmm...

It's Chicken to be a Realist

Here's a link to Brené Brown's blog. Please follow it and explore. 

If I am daring at all these days (and I am) it is likely because Brené's ideas encourage everyone to live with their whole heart, and above all, dare greatly. 

I am getting there....

Not quite like these women. Inspiring.
The Invisible Bicycle Helmet | Fredrik Gertten from Focus Forward Films on Vimeo.

 Read more about their invention here.