No engagement.
Married to one another for a lifetime
With only a few the wiser.
Hidden inside,
Unseen
Unheard for so long,
I make everything happen.
While out front is this hollow man
Going through the motions.
"Being the one is like being in love.
No one can tell you you're in love,
you just know it.
Through and through.
Balls to bones."
The Matrix
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When you are inclined to listen carefully to others, but to ultimately find answers for yourself and take full responsibility for the results of your actions, the idea that you are connected to some source or higher self is tantalizing.
Not really someone else, but instead, you at another level ~ Wiser, with a perspective you lack or choose to ignore maybe?
Like walking into a scene in a movie, there was Aadi, who had shown me how all of my lives were connected like an amazing tree stretching infinitely through our lifetimes.
I knew it was her, but this time she looked like a school teacher, looking over the top of reading glasses of all things.
"Hello Halle. Thank you for coming in to see me.
I have been watching you lately, and as much as I hate to give bad news to a good person, I am afraid there is something you need to hear."
Moving behind an old wooden teachers' desk, she looked over to me and slowly shook her head side to side.
"You've been fooling yourself into believing this 'real person behind the male trappings' thing you are doing will work for the rest of your life.
Now, don't get me wrong, it has been and will be fine for you some of the time. Enough so you have honestly believed you could make this 'two people in one body' thing work."
She shook her head sadly and picked up a cookie tin that had magically appeared on the desk.
"No one can promise you happiness in any of your lives, but,... " She walked around the desk and put her hand softly on my face,
"You will only be yourself when you separate from the guy, move out and find your own place."
Nodding at me, she asked
"You know what I am telling you, don't you?"
I looked down at the floor, and nodded in agreement, then looked up to her and said "you are talking about the way I feel alone in a room full of people and have more acquaintances than friends and most of them online."
"Bingo!
Oh, you can still be a good person, a nice person, reliable and so on...
What you can't be to those around you is the authentic person that you've discovered in this past three years of searching."
Hand on my shoulder, she seemed to be guiding me to the door of the classroom.
"I say this with all the love in my heart my dear, sweet child:
Invisible people don't exist."
Removing the lid from the tin she extended it toward me.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
… Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion; …
TS Eliot