Careful The Things You Say

Growing up in the 1950s and 60s meant that being different was unacceptable. What I felt in my bones was confusing; desires for something that was forbidden because of an appendage that shouldn't have been there. I might have defied most of society, but my life of self-loathing began with things carelessly spoken by people I trusted. What was said wasn't directed at me but it hit home. 

Any man who was less than manly got called 'girly man' in a tone that spoke hatred. Being called 'sissy' was just about the worst thing a boy could hear. To admit a need to be one of the girls was unthinkable.

I was lucky enough to live past the depression that set in as I became an adult by determination alone. No, I wasn't determined enough to go to a doctor and admit who I was. It seems certain that would have got me a ticket to an insane asylum in those days. Instead, I did what so many of us did back then. I went into deep denial, becoming as manly as the rest of the men I knew just to get on with my life. I had wonderful, manly, role models. The façade was born. 

Here is my plea to parents and all role models. If you really love someone, accept them as they are, no matter what expectations you might have had of them. But there is more. Even though you might love someone enough to accept them when you are informed, avoid damaging your relationship with them by speaking carelessly about others. Please take care what you say. Children who might not be able to do anything about their feelings will listen. If they think you and everyone else hates them, they will hate themselves, too. Think how you will feel if you find out they killed themselves because they knew you would hate them. 

If someone truly hates everyone who dares to be different, they must also be determined enough and crass enough to hate their own children when they turn out to be different, too. 

Children listen. They learn what you really think and really believe by observing you. Once said, a derogatory comment about gays or lesbians or trans people cannot be unsaid. If your child isn't strong enough to ignore you and move ahead on their own - if they take what you have said to heart - they might just decide that dying is preferable to disappointing everyone by being authentic. 

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Careful the things you say,

Children will listen.

Careful the things you do,

Children will see.

And learn.

Children may not obey,

But children will listen.

Children will look to you

For which way to turn,

To learn what to be.

Careful before you say,

'Listen to me.'

Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make,

Wishes are children.

Careful the path they take,

Wishes come true,

Not free.

Careful the spell you cast,

Not just on children.

Sometimes the spell may last

Past what you can see

And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell.

That is the spell.

Children will listen...

from Into the Woods

written by Stephen Sondheim

If You Aren't Afraid, You Will Be ... You Will Be

Those of us who are different, and let's be honest, who isn't different in some way, cannot help but be worried about fascism. Am I anti-fascist? You bet. You should be, too. 

Something we all need to be reminded of is the life of fear that will come if fascism wins, no matter where that might be. We need to be reminded that the thought police have new and oh-so-useful tools at their disposal now. Anyone with an opinion that doesn't please Fearless Leader will, mysteriously, disappear. As they used to say when Stalin was fearless leader in the USSR, a black car will pull up in front of your house, and you are bye-bye.

The New Yorker magazine cover tells the story of the fear many in the United States have right now. That country is at a turning point in its history. I expect, though, that in every corner of this world, with so many issues that divide us all, there are would-be fearless leaders just waiting for their chance to divide and conquer. 

Sometimes it makes me happy to be old. 

I do feel badly for the young at times like this.

 

Many's the time I've been mistaken

And many times confused

Yes, and I've often felt forsaken

And certainly misused

Oh, but I'm alright, I'm alright

I'm just weary to my bones

Still, you don't expect to be bright and bon vivant

So far away from home, so far away from home

And I don't know a soul who's not been battered

I don't have a friend who feels at ease

I don't know a dream that's not been shattered

Or driven to its knees

But it's alright, it's alright

For we lived so well so long

Still, when I think of the

Road we're traveling on

I wonder what's gone wrong

I can't help it, I wonder what has gone wrong

And I dreamed I was dying

I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly

And looking back down at me

Smiled reassuringly

And I dreamed I was flying

And high up above my eyes could clearly see

The Statue of Liberty

Sailing away to sea

And I dreamed I was flying

We come on the ship they call The Mayflower

We come on the ship that sailed the moon

We come in the age's most uncertain hours

And sing an American tune

Oh, and it's alright, it's alright, it's alright

You can't be forever blessed

Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day

And I'm trying to get some rest

That's all 

I'm trying to get some rest

Life as a Balloon

When I was a child, I remember The Balloon Lady, a Royal Doulton figurine. It sat on my Grandmother's mantle. I have no idea what became of that lady after Grandma died, but last Christmas K bought a new lady, one of our own, to sit on our mantle. 

In the Disney movie Mary Poppins Returns, near the end, the Balloon Lady makes an appearance, played by Dame Angela Lansbury, and sings a lovely song:

 Life's a balloon
That tumbles or rises
Depending on what is inside
Fill it with hope
And playful surprises
And oh, deary ducks
Then you're in for a ride

Those playful surprises that make life worth living require us to be open and honest with ourselves and others. Fortunately, in my day-to-day life, going about shouting "I'm a woman!" hasn't been necessary. That isn't to say that people are convinced I was born female - quite the contrary - I get all sorts of puzzled looks when people first encounter me. 

The reason it isn't important is that, where I live at least, when people find out that I'm comfortable in my skin, not hiding or pretending, they accept me. 

I believe there is an important reason not to hide or try to pretend. The people in this community know me now. I am a pleasant woman who shops and chats with them. I am a friendly member of the community band. 

By engaging with people as a regular member of society, you become one of them. What do you suppose is going to happen when these good people who know me are in a gathering where a discussion comes up about how awful it is about all of these trans-women (or trans-men)? I'm sure they will have at least one example to use to convince others that we are far from threatening. We are not so different from anyone else. 

You and I are creating the environment for all the trans and queer kids who follow. Hiding our playful, wonderful nature under a basket won't do us or them any good. If we are a threat, make it because we fit in too well. Bigots can't stand that. 

The past is the past
It lives on as history
And that's an important thing
The future comes fast
Each second a mystery
For nobody knows what
Tomorrow may bring

"Nowhere to Go But Up" from Mary Poppins Returns

Written by: Scott Wittman, Marc Shaiman

Lyrics © WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY