These days my ‘baby steps’ approach is rankling. Every now and then it is important to talk the situation through to be sure I haven’t lost my way.
Having a façade shouldn’t mean staying the same. Becoming a better person must not mean going back to self-destructive ways of living life.
Both parts of my personality need to cooperate, and the feminine must have the bigger part in that internal conversation, since the masculine basically screwed things up royally. Exactly how can I change from the old me? … as much as I can get away with while still being a guy on the outside. By pushing the envelope gently, a fair amount might be possible.
As previously mentioned, when I become aware of bad old ways of dealing with situations, I search for more authentic ways to act. When the cave man comes to call, I give him his thirty seconds of inside time, and then say ‘goodbye, thanks, we are not showing the world this way of dealing today’.
I try to remember that most of being feminine is between the ears. It is a way of seeing the world, and reacting to it. Most of the physical aspects, caring for the body, soft clean skin, etc; all of it is fine on a man too (looking at most men age 55 you wouldn’t think so, it is true). Of course, there is a real balancing act here, and it comes to a head when you meet people who have not seen you in a while. I’ll try to be prepared for the questions about eyebrows that I never used to trim (or thin). When removing hair from various parts of my body, I might need to account for that too. I am trying not to lie. Suggesting that I like to look and feeling younger might do the trick; most people can relate to that (especially women). I considered taking up body-building to justify losing the body hair, but; now that is really too silly Halle! :P
It is pretty obvious that if and when the use of hormones gets involved (for example), or electrolysis (for another), it could become very difficult to explain the changes. Eventually it might be necessary to bring everyone in on the bigger issue going on. At that point….we will see whether a façade is needed. Nobody ever told me this process would be fun, just necessary to survive.
Halle
Halle, you are right in thinking that a lot of being feminine is in the mind. As are most of the fears of other people noticing and commenting on our early changes. Until you show up in a dress with makeup on people are simply not going to put two and two together. They know that you just seem to look better but they can't quite put their finger on exactly why. I was on hormones for six months before I came out at work and had been reducing unwanted hair for a long time. And the only people who noticed anything specific were the few women who actually knew I was transitioning. The rest simply thought I had decided to take better care of myself.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to see someone else has these same thoughts ... thanks for speaking my mind. I'm about 2/3's of the way through electrolysis and no one has commented or seemingly noticed yet. I just started hormones and don't expect that to be a problem unless I develop extra-ordinarily in the breast department ... yeah, right! I'll be anxious to hear your experiences and share mine as well.
ReplyDeleteWendy
It is amazing how people you see regularly wont notice things.
ReplyDeleteI havent shaved in 6 months yet 3 years ago I would have a dark beard showing just after shaving.
You are correct though the people who have commeneted are those that have not seen you for a while.
x
At that point….we will see whether a façade is needed
ReplyDeleteAnd you could auction off your blog name! I'm sure there are several out there who could use it.
Calie xxx