The façade is only so good, when compared with an honest life. Once we have acknowledged our female part, our public male side no matter how hard we try, is never perfect again. Sure, it is good enough most of the time, so we can go about our work and normal interactions with acquaintances. For loved ones from that moment on, they also have a façade. I say this from hard experience.
My sweetie’s situation worries me now more than my own. Now she has a façade too. It does not fit her. I know, we all know and understand the stress of keeping this sort of secret for years, but that was our choice. She did not make the decision, but is stuck with living the lie that we are still husband and wife, for us and for others.
I feel as though I am cheating by being here, sharing this. She so needs others to share and discuss this burden that was passed to her almost two years ago. I have all of you. She has me, a person she cannot really trust. In so many ways she hates me now, and that is another layer of falseness as she tries to pretend that everything is just fine.
Mrs. H is not used to keeping a false front. She has always been a very honest and open person. This quality above all was what attracted me to her when we met. Now it is compromised and between us nothing has been or will ever be the same.
Daily we create a new relationship. The process is made difficult because a Phantom called Halle is living in the room, a person she does not know and is afraid of. It may be that she will get to know her, or maybe not. These choices are still in the future because neither of us wants to take this risk yet. Real happiness is a condition from the past. An uneasy truce exists. The war against myself has simply move from me to us. Do not ask me about regret today.
It is fine to have a façade, and necessary too for many of us, but do not deceive yourself yet again by thinking the situation is great and normal. Honesty is not a policy, no matter what anyone tells you. Honesty is a way of life, and a façade is dishonest. I must accept that.
Your words have stricken chords in me that I have long since forgotten. It took me years to accept the person with in that simply could not be boxed up any longer. It is very apparent how much love you have for your honey as it shows in your emotional words. I feel for you as well as for her. Communication for myself as well as others around me in my life is the only thing that makes it better.
ReplyDeleteWishing you and your loved one the best.
LeAnne
Your tone speaks volumes of your love for your wife and the pain that both of you are having to deal with. No it's not easy to maintain some sort of window that is fogging up on both sides. But I believe that our 'male' side was not ever perfect to begin with, it's an illusion to think we have always had everything together in the first place.
ReplyDeleteOnce we accept that we have this strong feminine presence within us we proceed with a slow metamorphosis gathering and collecting feminine gestures, moves, speech anything and everything we observe about women. It's inevitable that change will happen, we can't hide it or stop it without dire consequences to us and those we love, we must continue to love those who are close and tell them it's OK and hope they understand.
Sarah
What an honest post.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. I was in exactly the same situation for a long time. You have explained the feelings and dilema beautifully.
I can only say that my wife did find a release in sharing this with some people. Initially they were partners of other women in our situation and then onto family members.
Eventually this opportunity for her to discuss and process her feelings along with my slow progression down this path has resulted in us being very close but continuing as a married couple is not something she feels comfortable with.
She is now happier and more comfirtable with things than before so I guess letting her go was the best thing I could. I honestly think that she feels letting me go is also the best thing for me.
Strange really how things can work out in the end.
Facades are usually built to protect what is hidden behind, but they can only be temporary as they cannot last.
ReplyDeleteSo don't regret what you and she have only done naturally. Your need to be true to yourselfand consequently true to her overcame your fears and so you tore down the facade you had built to protect you from each other.
It's completely understandable that she, like Mrs. Sophie, felt the need to erect a pallisade, whether to maintain an illusion of the stability she once had or to protect her family from an envisioned assault.
She's got a lot to think about, as you intimated. When she is comfortable, however long that may be, then she will drop her facade.
Either way, once we are out to our spouses, our relationships are changed forever.
Hugs,
Sophie
Dear Halle, I can only say that I understand and feel your pain. As you have noticed, and others here have pointed out, your relationship with your beloved has forever changed. It will from this point on continue to evolve and change until a resolution is reached. That is inevitable. What is yet to be determined are the terms of that resolution. One thing is clear. YOU are no longer the MAN that she fell in love with. Perhaps you never were. Nevertheless the best you can hope for at his point is honest communication and understanding of each other's needs and feeling. There will be hurt and possibly feelings of betrayal. Nevertheless, there is a bond here and a love. Use that love to preserve whatever form your new relationship will become.
ReplyDeleteAs for your male host, I had an interesting insight in that regard a few years ago. It occurred during the Q&A after a workshop I had moderated for those considering or in the process of, transition from MTF. I was asked if I hated my former, (male-bodied)self. Having lived over 35 years at that time as a woman, I had long since forgotten that former "self" so it took me a while to even try to remember who I was then.
After several moments of trying to remember, I finally had to admit to the audience AND myself, that I had NO memory of that "person", that "self". That former "SELF" no longer existed, not even as a memory. Having come to that realization and admitting that in public was really quite traumatic. I had to admit that even though that "person" that "self" was long gone, I certainly did not hate "him". In fact I loved, admired and truly respected that "self" that gave up "his" life, that I might live. In fact I am forever indebted to "him" and would be forever grateful for the courage "he" showed sacrificing "his" life, that I might have mine.
Anne
Your post was very touching and eloquently written Halle. I feel that I want to respond to it, but I don't know how as we travel different paths. I see many different couples around me in a similar situation as yours and I often wonder how I and my partner would have dealt with it.
ReplyDeleteBut I look at a marriage as simply a union of two people and the whole husband/wife thing is frequently a lot of role play and facade building anyway. And that is within any relationship. Perhaps it may be that in any marriage if people could feel more free to just be themselves everyone would be happier.
As you well know, you and I are in similar boats. You've given me much to think about here, thoughts that aren't happy.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to tear down my facade for three years now, and Mrs. L keeps insisting that it stay up. I crave honesty, but it isn't even an option. Apparently, our future involves tiptoeing through one another's egg shells, neither of us happy.
I built this trap I find myself in, so my resentment is truly impotent.
This is such a sad post, Halle, made more so because I can corroborate your account of the pain. I'm pulling for you, sister.