What has this process (writing all of this stuff) been about? It seems the answer changes (as so often is the case) depending upon who you would ask, and the mood they (or I) might happen to be in at the time. So, here is a (one, for me, today) perspective on the answer to the question.
------- Understanding myself ---------
Pause for effect.
Those who read here do not need much elaboration on the subject of the over-riding need to find out why we are depressed to the point of desperation by our gender incongruity. Yet in the end, it seems the most important thing is learning to move forward. The answer to that ‘how’ is unique to each of us, as our circumstances dictate. Our circumstances include every factor in our lives; so vast that no two people ever find another person’s to be like there own. There are enough similarities that we find ourselves nodding and saying “I need to comment to support, or to add something to that thought”. There is the amazing value of blogging; the love and support we find and give.
In the end however, what I write here is about myself and understanding myself and learning the skills to move forward another day, or maybe even (if that day works out well) the next and even for a lifetime.
Some in Blogistan have been at it long enough, or are advanced enough that they can just blog about their daily lives and those joys and challenges. I love to read those, but very rarely comment. Those folk probably read the stuff I write here and wonder how anyone can rant on so long about stuff that is so simple and basic. Like they say; ‘easy for you!’ :P
Now and then I wonder if maybe in the end, my decisions (taken one day at a time) might just lead me to live what to the ‘real’ world will seem to be the same as the one I have always lived. I wonder if the only transformation will be inside of me, a sort of internal bloom and joy in the wonderful world around me that I never noticed throughout a whole lifetime of acting as though I really was a man instead of just appearing to be one.
It is just possible that it is enough for me to be me inside. What a surprise for those who get to know me! “That man over there, he treated me just like a woman would have! I really like him!” For me it may never be about pronouns or clothing.
Such are the ramblings of a GD person when their cycle is at its lowest ebb. Talk to me again next week, or next month. Like I said, what I write is about understanding, and learning, and love and support.
I, like you, will try to be true to myself.
Hugs,
Halle
The older one gets, the more difficult it can become to shed the carefully crafted male facade, and all of the accompanying baggage accumulated over a lifetime. Simply living with the knowledge that you are a female on the inside where it counts, can become the more reasonable, if not the most emotionally satisfying option. Only you can make that determination, and whatever it is, the rest of us should be fully supportive.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
For me, my depression started at about the same time as my gender confusion, I think that the two of them are very much linked together. Something that we try to live with. I like your statement, "That man over there, he treated me just like a woman would have, I really like him!" That says much I think, what we should all strive for.
ReplyDeleteHugs, El
“That man over there, he treated me just like a woman would have! I really like him!”...
ReplyDeleteI get that reaction from time to time Halle, not in these words exactly, but to the same effect. These moments are, I believe, some of the most rewarding ones available to us.
We may not get to expose all that we want, where and when we want, but women nearby to us, even only moments at a time, may perceive something less typical, less predatory, less dismissive of women in us.
It is little, but a little can go a long way.
You may need to push yourself to smile time to time, but there is no quicker route to having a smile passed your way. I don't know of a better medicine myself.
Cheers - Petra
I write about my daily life, inconsequential stuff about old cars and motorcycles, getting caught in the rain, or my mother's vegetables, as therapy for GD rather than because I've escaped it. It's like reading a trashy novel, you escape into it as you craft a tale about whatever has just happened.
ReplyDeleteI have certainly let my facade slip with the receptionist in the building I work in. I think she's noticed something. oops.
I think it's possible, for some at least, simply to come to terms with who they are, and to feel freer to live as themselves regardless of body or pronouns or whatever. You can strive to be the best person you can be, think less about the façade, and just be yourself -- whatever that self is like! And as you say, people will likely appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteMy sister asked me a long time ago if perhaps I could just be the most enlightened man in the universe. That wasn't right for me, but the universe could sure use more enlightened people.