"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday 23 September 2011

A Death in the Family

She was one of the first to welcome me to Blogging, and gave support and new ideas in chats we had. She loved simple and beautiful things, as I do, and yes, I have been missing her for a long time.

Melissa Alison Price left the world on August 20, 2011. My last correspondence with her, three weeks before, was cheery, but short. That was to be expected. She was very ill, and heavily sedated, but of course, that was part of the process of getting better. (sigh)

There will be no more suggestions of some wonderful piece of music we knew the other would love. It is so amazingly sad to remember that never again will her comment pop up when something I have written moves her, or gives her a chuckle. No more news of life in the Piedmont.

My last email to her was sent a week after she died. It included the photo you see. I know she would have loved it, and assumed that once she recovered, she would send me a reply with a LOL in it, because it was just made for her mother's driving.

There is no proof of life after 'death' here on earth. I am not a religious person, but am a spiritual person, and believe in love and I know how powerful that emotion is. If she lives on, it is there, in some vast thing called love that surrounds us and so, I choose to believe that she is 'looking' over someone's shoulder as they read this, laughing at the dog's expression, and remembering that sort of feeling, and she is also reading and feeling all of the love that is flowing in the comment stream of her last post, on July 12, currently up to 44 comments.

Melissa, I miss you now and expect to be missing you for a long time, but not for ever. As Lisa Maria suggested in that comment stream, we will meet again where that love resides, a place even more beautiful than your place in the Piedmont.


Saturday 17 September 2011

Move Along!

There are probably a few readers who can relate to my love of sufficient planning no matter what the project. Many of my friends and sweetie in particular have pointed this quality out and called it "procrastination". I usually respond that I was going to procrastinate, but never got around to it. :)

Our good friend Petra once pointed out to me my resemblance to someone who is looking at a Rubik's cube, turning it this way and that before twisting it into shape.

Anyway, my point is that sometimes too much rumination on a topic can sidetrack you, and that has certainly happened to me here during the last year and a half. Of course, being sidetracked might actually be good in my case, since any progress has tended to keep the monsters at bay. Eventually however, the time comes to put all that good thinking to use.

I wrote to a friend about this, and am getting more certain by the hour (and yes, it did keep me from getting a full night's sleep) that unless something changes, the loss of productivity is going to continue to spiral until I do nothing but sit in a corner and vegetate. There is so much more to my life than I choose to  discuss here, yet what I do manage to accomplish feels like only a small fraction of what I might if my mind was clear and totally devoted to each project.

As though a mental push was needed, one recent event has moved me even further toward action.

A few days ago I had decided that while my sweetie was out for much of the day, I would get a pile of desk work done while dressed in some casual but definitely female attire; something I have not done for many months and had tried to convince myself I did not really need. A phone call changed everything. I spent the day elsewhere and did not get a chance to either do the desk work or dress as I had planned. The truly telling part of this episode is how profoundly disappointed I felt at the turn of events. An inner voice literally yelled at me that I had made a promise and now had reneged. All logic and rationalization of the event cannot erase this truth about my feelings, and honestly, I do not know what to make of it.

Many in Blogistan have come to the point where they are moving on, because that is something they can do now. My not so simple desire is to be one of those people who can move on. I desire to be trans-nothing.

Wednesday 7 September 2011

Devil May Care

Every now and then some music that is currently speaking to me appears here. My tastes are very eclectic, but I like powerful messages and a powerful performance.

Not everyone cares for jazz, but you may want to at least read the lyrics and then chance a listen to Diana Krall and her combo, a Canadian jazz institution, sing and play "Devil May Care". I just love how her sidemen are obviously having a blast in this and any other performance I have ever seen.

No cares for me 
I'm happy as I can be 
I learn to love and to live 
Devil may care 
No cares and woes 
Whatever comes later goes 
That's how I'll take and I'll give 
Devil may care 

When the day is through, 
I suffer no regrets 
I know that he who frets, loses the night 
For only a fool, thinks he can hold back the dawn 
He who is wise never tries to revise what's past and gone 

Live love today, love come tomorrow or May 
Don't even stop for a sigh, it doesn't help if you cry 
That's how I live and I'll die 
Devil may care 

Monday 5 September 2011

Dangerous Assumptions

Some time ago, I came across this cartoon. As Homer says "it's funny because it's true."
So yes, I admit it, I am a dog… :)

I would apologize for being who I am, then keeping part of it a secret, but gosh, that is what I have been doing all my life, so it really feels natural. Plus, it keeps all those people with torches from visiting our home.

Sadly, there are those who get really angry because Halle is "just a man" and they can't deal with that. After all, nobody else around here was born a man, were they?

I do wish that some folk would remember that being screwed up and confused and hurt is what brought quite a few of us to this place. Finding any way at all to become better than we were is important. There is more than one way to do that.

This gem was dropped by Jay today, and I couldn't agree more: "...maybe each of us does have our answer. But that doesn't mean that anyone else's answer isn't the answer, even if it isn't the same as our own. "

In my book, those who challenge us to really think are important, and I do not care if they are dogs or men or even women.

I need to be encouraged to think and dig deep into myself. Sadly, we seem to be slowly losing our best and brightest.

Thursday 1 September 2011

Something a Girl Without a Body Can Do

In dreams I take my show on the road. Sometimes I find out that everyone knew already, and they were just waiting for me to admit to it. That is the most pleasant dream of all.

How about something real this girl without a body can do right now, like pass along some good news? News that reads like one of my better dreams.

In it, there is a wife, let's call her Lucy, who is married to her best friend (sort of like me) who is transitioning (well, not really like me, but you get the idea).

Lucy had a moment of clarity this morning and I loved reading about it so much I just had to let you in on it. After all, what else should a non-corporeal girl be doing?

Hugs to you and especially to Lucy and Diana.