I am older than most of the population of the planet, and much older than most transsexuals who will transition. It may not be something you have noticed, but I make a real effort to never write as though anything going on here is somehow advice for anyone else.
It seems to me my situation is as unique as yours, so what I write about is just that; something that is working for me.
Recently I have been watching the YouTube postings of a young woman named Charlotte. Her video posts are informative, and enjoyable and she always says what she thinks and seems to make it clear that they are just that; what she thinks. I like Charlotte and respect her.
Any understanding about my own transsexual nature is a result of paying attention to many sources (many thanks to you all), then working hard to really listen to what my heart and head were telling me.
If you have followed here for a while, you know that my dreamtime conversations with younger versions of myself has been a prominent part of that process. There has been a voice I have tried to ignore there in dreamtime. She is the me who transitioned at an early age. I do not know what she calls herself, but living in some alternate now, she is a Halle who did not deny, for whatever reason, and got the help necessary to avoid posing as a male for so very long. From time to time it has been tempting to let her talk to me, as painful as it might be, and tell me of life lived fearlessly and authentically.
In a way, watching Charlotte's videos has taken the place of listening to that dreamtime younger and transitioned me. I hope "alternative Halle" in her world is as confident and interesting as Charlotte seems to be in this one.
One of her posts, "Fear Mongering In The Community" has me shuddering in worry that some young transsexual might go into denial out of fear as I did, because of something written here.
We need to support each other in any way we can. That doesn't mean 'cheer-leading'. It also does not mean 'fear-mongering'.
This is my wish ~ to encourage every person, myself include, to seek out an authentic self, and get the help they need to be that person, without guilt or fear.
I had no idea Charlotte was still making vlogs!
ReplyDeleteMaybe the lesson is to stay off chat boards -- of any kind. I mean, think of who has time to post in those places. It's kind of like the people who write letters to the editor (oops, that would be me once in a while).
As well, if someone who is older posts about losing the wife and kids, it's hard for me to understand how a younger person with no spouse or children would pay any attention to that person. Their life circumstances are obviously not applicable.
I suppose that when you're young (I'm pretty sure I was young at one time), you're somewhat impressionable. Still, we're all responsible for our own choices. It's wrong to blame anyone else if we didn't change sex when we feel we should have.
I agree with Charlotte that real information is what's needed -- not fear mongering, not cheerleading. And ultimately, a young person, like any of us, has to figure out whether they really have that birth defect or not. And if so, just fix it, because you'll have to later if you don't earlier.
- Ariel
I mean, think of who has time to post in those places.
ReplyDelete:-) Personally, I searched all over to find any kind of information. You are right of course that it makes no sense to let some old person in a totally different place influence you, but when someone YELLS at you to run the other way, well, you get my drift. It makes you scared sh**less; like you aren't already.
Yup, we were young, and in a lot of ways, we still are! :-)
Hi Halle,
ReplyDeleteThank You for posting this. I'm not sure I agree with Charlotte entirely about her experience. But there is a really good message there.
But I think what I got from your post was The line "it seems to me my situation is as unique as yours, so what I write about is just that; "
That has humbled me and I am thankful for it.
Jaye
Hi Jaye!
ReplyDeleteSometimes what we read from others has its effect, that is for sure, even when what they write is only intended to be a reminder to themselves, as this post was to me.
Halle
I wish...
ReplyDeleteI wish so many things and Charlotte's vlog haunts me. I knew exactly One person in the pre-internet 1980s who was a transitioning transsexual. She was a friend of a friend who made the leap and entered into her authentic life in the small seaside town where I lived. I knew her before her transition and I heard the things people said about her and I saw the way her family edited her out of their lives. I saw some of me in her, things I didn't understand, and I didn't know what any of it meant. But I knew she must have been brave.
Once, I found her name in the phone book (shows how long ago this was...) and I called her, I tried to talk to her but I just couldn't make words come out. I was frozen by my fear and my confusion.
She said, "If you say something, maybe I can help."
I think she could have helped, but I had no reference points to guide me and no understanding of what was going on inside me and I was scared. I'll never know how my life would have been different if I had found the courage, or the freedom, to ask her questions and learn from her. For all I know it could have been a disaster and for all I know it could have "fixed" my life.
Now I am older and I have spent many years creating a life and a family and a tenuous little existence as a guy. The danger of damaging that sort of existence, and the knowledge of how hard it is to start over, again and again, is why older T gals will counsel caution to each other. But Heavens! If someone as young and lovely as Charlotte ever asked me if she should transition I would not hesitate to say, "Little Sister, Go! Leap! Begin! Explore! Start a new life while you can." Charlotte, be yourself cuz it's the only self you can be.
Of course, that's just my perspective tinted by my wishes and, yes, some regrets.
Dianne, that is a story that a few of us at this age likely share with some variations. In my case, thirty years ago a woman joined our school and it seemed to me she might be a transsexual (I didn't know that name then), but wasn't sure. She had an androgynous look, but her name said female, so we accepted that. She was absent for a few days now and then, and came to work with what appeared to be a rash on her face. On reflection, she had likely had an electrolysis session. Oh how I wanted to ask her about her life. It might have changed mine, but as you say, frozen by fear, the opportunity passed.
DeleteWelcome to the blogging world, by the way. Love your "Dianne in the Provinces"!
Thank you Halle,
DeleteI've reflected on the message and cleaned up my own stuff. I have my own private training wheels on until I'm ready to filter the emotion down. Something might come out of it !
And for the other part it's less talk and more reading. Keeping contact.
Thanks for the breadcrumb trail !
Jaye ( a little wiser )
:-)
DeletePerhaps this link,
ReplyDelete(http://t-central.blogspot.com/2010/07/transition-thoughts-reflections-guest_20.html),
might offer some bacon of hope.
Best wishes to all of you.
Anne
Thanks Anne. Perhaps if some young folk stop by it may help them.
DeleteFor myself, your story is less a beacon than an assurance that my alternate self who transitioned early might be happy and whole too.
I think of you often and hope everything is going well for you Anne.