"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Seeking Connection

When pondering the complexity of life and how guided we all feel at times, it is hard to resist the idea that some higher power must be in control. So, is Aadi an angel, or some sort of spiritual guide, or just a product of an imaginative person under the influence of hormone-suppressing chemicals?

After Aadi left, I sat for the longest time (in a dream that might mean hours or seconds in 'real time') wondering about that 'tree' and what it meant to be part of a whole that somehow represented all of the possibilities of one spark of life, my spark, started sixty years ago from my perspective, but somehow transcending time-frames. Why does it matter? What does this experience have to offer me other than some insight into the gears and such that make the clock tick?

A slight shift in focus revealed other trees in different colours from mine intertwining. Branches of different colours often seemed to touch. Were those encounters random, or somehow planned? 

We all get inspiration from somewhere, and it often moves us in a direction that seems random at the moment, then somehow it turns out to be important later. We look back and cannot believe our good fortune that we followed a 'gut instinct' to go somewhere, or do something. 

Do we all have access to a version of Aadi? 

Where would I have been on that great tree if every day I had taken time to listen to that inner voice's nudges? There is a good chance I will never know that, but maybe paying attention from here onward might give me some idea.

Morning meditation ended and time to get on with this day on this branch of tree Halle.

Sunday 28 October 2012


I wonder why some days there is no inspiration and others it bubbles over. 
Where do ideas come from anyway? ~  ~ ~

"You have been looking for me"

My first, my only thought upon waking was 'shimmering' and then a wide eyed 'Oh My!'.
The being who was before me (saying standing just wouldn't make any sense for there was no place to stand there) defied description. Dickens had said it best, writing "... - like a child; yet not so like a child as like an old man through some supernatural medium..." when describing the ghost of Christmas past. To this spirit, not a man or boy - not a girl or woman but all at the same time, I asked or maybe just thought "Who are you?"

"I'm Aadi" she said, settling down to appear to be a woman about my daughter's age, "and you have been thinking about me a lot lately, so it was time for us to meet." 
The landscape gathering itself around us seemed to be a forest and we were (or seemed to be) sitting on that old beach blanket at the base of a huge tree. "And you are..." she looked up into the tree and pointed at one leaf suddenly glowing enough to stand out among the rest "that one" and smiled gently at what had to be an astonished look on my face. "Are you saying that I got it right about the tree and all being one?" She tilted her head side to side, as if deciding; "You did a pretty good job creating a metaphor that works for you, so we will take it as far as we can; ok?" I nodded at that because it almost seemed to be a condescending remark but had been said with so much love that I couldn't possibly feel offended. "So, every decision we make does create a new branch?" 
"Yes, as I said, you have a good model here, but you do know it is more than that don't you?"

Before I could answer, she looked up and I followed her gaze and saw the branches of my tree suddenly shrink in thickness into hairs. Where the branches could have been counted, the threads were infinite in number and the branching of those threadlike paths was so dense I couldn't follow it any more. Where there had been leaves there were dots at the tips of the threads, more numerous and as bright as stars.

"In what you wrote the other day it was all about your choices." She shook her head. " There is so much more than personal choice." "Well, yes, I left out all of the sub-atomic particle stuff." There was that gentle smile again. "You left out a few other things too, so here is an important question. Did you choose to be transsexual?" I tried not to look offended. "I am not crazy! Nobody would choose that!" Almost laughing at my reaction, Aadi carried right on. "You already know from meeting Beth that not all of you are male-born, let alone transsexual, so tell me, what explains these sort of things if not choice?" 

I nodded and then shook my head too realizing the implications of my oversimplification. "Yes, I see. There are important factors that make our paths diverge that aren't under our control." She was nodding at me to carry on. "Like whether we were male or female born, or whether we got measles with the rest of the neighbourhood kids, or... " Aadi reached over and stroked my hair and beamed at me as though I was a toddler who had finally started to stand on my own. "This streak of curiosity your branch has is endearing. Keep at it." She got up and smoothed the gown that had been spread around her legs. "Stop by and visit again if you get stuck, ok?"

"Please, wait, I have so many questions!" 

Looking over as she began strolling away and disappearing like the Cheshire Cat, 
"I know. 
Like I just said,
an endearing quality."

Friday 26 October 2012

All One

Those of you who have been here regularly have read my infrequent reports on travels in dreamtime to visit with alternate selves. It may be that you have wondered about them. Those of you who remember your high school literature classes might be thinking 'literary device'. The physics students among you might be thinking 'many-worlds theory of reality'. I am more of the latter variety than the former, although writing here has made we wish I could go back and give Mrs. Lane more of my attention in grade 13 Lit.; such is life.

For me, these alternate selves are real. "Every action has a consequence" allows for every possible thing that might happen to actually happen to some version of each living being. For example, deciding to write this post has caused some other thing that might have happened to be part of the life path of some other version of me while 'I', or 'this version of I' am sitting here instead. Every moment's decision causes some change in our future, but here is the thing; every possible consequence and every possible 'person' we might have been does in fact exist in their separate reality. An amazing thought and one I am convinced is real. Every life is like a multidimensional tree where every choice creates a new branch. Each leaf is a unique but connected individual.

Some version (or most certainly, versions) of 'me' in some time in her past found a way to transition. When I found Beth, a version of me who was in fact born female bodied, created by a choice made before we were born, It was a surprise. The alternate 'me' I was searching for was not a genetic female, but one who had transitioned. Sometimes what we get is what we really need though. Understanding her has been something of a turning point for me.

Since that conversation on the beach, I have continued the search for that person the boy might have become. It might be that like many of our sisters here in Blogistan over the years, having moved into a life as a woman, she has no interest in chatting, even in dreamtime, with one who did not. More likely, the right circumstance just hasn't happened yet.

In the meantime, it is a real pleasure to chat with, or read the blogs that some have begun to post after their lives here are done. I am not going to point at individuals here. Some don't want followers who make casual readers start wondering about their history. Others don't seem to be worried about that. We are all so very different and isn't that wonderful!? Whether these ladies concern themselves with things 'T' or just report on the people they have met, perhaps a new job, a hobby, boyfriend, recipes or places they have gone, these women are reporting about a sort of life that gives me hope for those many versions of 'me' that are out there now, and are yet to be. To those who wonder, I can report that even when you don't transition, life is interesting and full when you accept yourself where you are, and let it be interesting and full.

It might be that I will never have a conversation with one of Halle's descendants, but that is ok. Maybe I will be one of them? Future choices, choices and more choices.

To all of my sisters and brothers in an infinitely diverse set of worlds, be well all of you. In some magical way, we are all ONE.

Saturday 20 October 2012

What common frame of reference?

There are things that go on in our lives that we have no trouble telling folks about because they just get it. Everyone has been there and done something so similar that we can empathize right away. We share a common frame of reference. 

The first time I remember hearing the phrase used was in a Star Trek movie, I think it was the fourth. Mr. Spock, having been recently resurrected, is quizzed by Dr. McCoy:
"Come on Spock, you have been where no one else has gone. Tell me what was it like?" and Mr. Spock tells him "I cannot. We have no common frame of reference." 

These last few weeks have been such a gift. My mind is calm and clear. I understand who I am and what it means for me to be transsexual, even as I know that being drug-induced, nothing is certain in the long-term.
Wondering how I might explain to a 'civilian', I feel like Spock. I have spent so much time fighting tooth and nail to avoid transition and it has made me able to accomplish more right now, and to be a kinder and more accepting person.  Beyond wondering how I could explain transition to a loved one, I wonder if there is any way to share something of the journey so far with others who know nothing of transsexuality.
No doubt some folk wouldn't want to listen, no matter how well thought out my attempts.
I would love to be reminded who included this poster in their blog in the recent past. It might have been LeAnne. I love the sentiment and understand it better because of that struggle for self-acceptance.
                    ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~

Recently my friend Ellena wrote a post on the deer in her garden. She and I live in the great Canadian woodlands, separated by a provincial border, but not so terribly far from one another. 
Here wildlife comes and goes at its own pace usually along predictable paths. In those places, deer and moose are definitely a danger to drivers and there is little we can do about it other than drive cautiously. 
But wait! Maybe this woman has an idea that might work!

Monday 8 October 2012

A Turn in the Road

To everything there is a season ... 

Here in Central Ontario, the season is showing its true colours
Brilliant Colours!

On a personal note, the past five days have been some of the most calm and stress-free of the past years, with a quieting of the urgency I have felt to fix myself by any means possible.

A time of peace... I swear it's not too late.