"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday 27 December 2012

A Gift to Share

This was a very special Christmas with many of love's small victories that I might not have noticed in past years when a troubled mind made every road seem a long and weary one. 

Driving along yesterday, the radio gifted me with this song.

Touch the hand of love,
Let it calm your troubled mind and caress your tender sorrow...

May your 2013 be filled with love and peace.

Friday 14 December 2012

Feeling Better

Today dawns and yesterday's overwhelming emotional reaction (to what???) has passed.

I would take it all down and not do this (apology? explanation?), but something is telling me, no, let those who stop by know that confused emotions are a part of your life, but they don't rule it. Let this stand and be sent back to that sensitive little person for them to know who you are right now, so many years later hasn't landed so far from them after all.

Today I am feeling differently and feeling better so far and still am wondering what yesterday meant.


Thursday 13 December 2012

Gut Feeling

Too late now, but maybe I shouldn't have done it. This one concession to my desires has brought me to a feeling that seems to be summing up all the feelings of sadness that have been building for so long. For over a year I have been using an epilator to remove all the hair from my chest and tummy. I do it for me; smooth and soft for me.

Process ended a half hour ago now, hand moving over the once more delightfully smooth surface, it stopped on my lower belly, pressed down and for the first time I experienced what has been repeating since, over and over, demanding to be said here in all its sadness grief.

Empty ~ Never to be filled ~

Saturday 8 December 2012

What Does That Mean?

When you write an article and publish it, like we do here in Blogistan, that information goes out much like smoke from a chimney. Straight up if there is no breeze and swirling and well, interesting looking if there is any sort of air movement (yes we have a wood-stove here). Out there, affected by what often seem to be random factors, you really cannot tell how that information will be taken, interpreted or used.

It is always good to get some sort of feedback about the ideas that go out, if only to know whether anyone really understood it the way I intended. I am not a wordsmith by trade or training you see. Much happens here by trial and error.

"Blogger" gives some basic feedback, letting you know what posts are popular for instance. What it doesn't tell you is why that post is popular or not and that is a bit frustrating.

A perfect example is a post from over two years ago here that I titled "Become A Woman, Eh?". According to the stats, it is the second most popular post on this blog. Not having looked at it for a long time, I decided to investigate what might be at the heart of the continuing interest.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that image of a sexy robot ad. Now, that post also featured some really excellant writing on the topic of femininity vs. Madison Av. imagery, and that was just the collection of insightful comments. My writing on the topic seemed pretty good too (if I do say so myself). There is no statistic on whether all those 'readers' over the past two years since the last comment were actually visiting to read.

So, I am left wondering why the post continues to draw attention, and cannot help but think it is for a reason connected with, but contrary to the spirit of the post. Sigh..  did I mention when you write for the public you really cannot tell how that information will be taken, interpreted or used?

BTW, the most popular post (and it hasn't been up as long) has been "Almost a Guest Post", by my friend Sarah. I am not at all upset that someone else gets credit for that popularity... well maybe a little jealous. :-)

Thursday 6 December 2012

Recognizing Beauty

In the spirit of my previous post, I can see that self-acceptance seems to have taken a new turn. Why not follow it to see where it has come from and where it takes me? How others see me may not have caught up to how I see and feel myself, but I won't let that impede positive thoughts and feelings.

This afternoon I read about self-acceptance in a blog called 'already pretty' and loved the way it is expressed so much I needed to pass it along to you. Aren't you lucky? 

The author Sally McGraw and I have very little in common. In her own words
"I know a lot about my body. I know its strengths and its graces, its quirks and defining traits. I know that I have strong legs and an elegant collarbone, pert breasts and dainty wrists, luxurious hair and an angular little nose. I know that I’ve got a lot going for me."

Let's see, my nose is not little (see the drawing; it really looks like that), but is strong and well defined. My legs are also strong, soft and shapely, something to build on there. My feet are quite nicely shaped, and while not small for a woman, size 10 is at least not hard to find; lots of selection. My breasts are not perky or pert, but I do have dainty (if slightly hairy) wrists and a collarbone that is nicely defined. I have a relatively small waist to hip ratio, and a really nice tushy that is a bit too small, but still…TMI? 
You can see, I have lots of good qualities to build upon, and that is what Sally writes about; that and not getting down on yourself for what you are not, or things about yourself that are less than ideal (I am not going to start that list thank you) according to some fashion magazine. 

I only started to follow Sally's blog recently. She writes well about recognizing beauty and I like her positive outlook. I couldn't help but be drawn to her use in this post of words like revelation, freedom, and liberating. 

You may wonder how it is that someone like me who is ts/non-transitioning would care about these issues. 
That is just how I am. I take inventory and care how my body looks, and recognize that yes, there is a beautiful person here, even if she will never be like that other Halle (her, you know, the famous one). 
I am me, and becoming strangely happy to be able to say that.

Sunday 2 December 2012

Tuck and/or Nip?

It's possible this has never come up here, but it is a topic that has occupied a great deal of my thoughts as I came to understand my feelings and needs as a late blooming transsexual. The topic today has to do with the pros and cons of the use of surgery as a remedy.

From the perspective of this blog the obvious surgical remedy has to do with correcting ones sex. There is all kinds of information that says the success of this procedure depends upon remediation of other co-related issues such as voice, hair, body structure, as well as co-related mental issues. Transition is never something to take lightly.
Another necessary transition and an aspect less emphasized by many (I love to read Lucy's blog because she definitely has not ignored this or any other aspect), is the mental shift from making your way as a male to making your life as a female. There are a lot of these aspects that would be a no brainer given a mind that already works in many ways the way it should, but as old as I am, there is a lot of 'being a woman' that will still be difficult to capture, including coming to grips with a lack of female history, but especially in areas of beauty, positive self-image and their good friend sexual desire.

This brings me to another surgical remedy. As women age,and gravity has its way, there is a danger that positive self-image begins to slide and when compounded with the need to compete against younger women for employment or social status, many turn to the cosmetic surgeon for a boost.

Fact is, at my age, most women have, or are having to come to grips with their own transition of sorts, realizing no amount of cosmetic or hair colour or surgery can give them the life of a thirty-something or younger again. It seems to me it is important to do this 'coming to grips' with a grace and style the individual alone can develop and sustain.

Here is a link to a related article on making peace with aging as a woman that my spouse and I found interesting in the blog Total Image Consultants.

Another blog all about style and grace as we age is ADVANCED STYLE. This collection has certainly made me rethink my impressions of how worthwhile it would be, even with all its challenges, to fulfill a heart's desire at an advanced age.

These are issues best understood well before one is forced to deal with them, but better late than never.
Did I really write that?