Living in the Present

It occurred to me this morning that I have gained a personal insight into something my grandfather told me a long time ago. 

He was quite the wit. At their sixtieth wedding anniversary party, sitting together hand in hand a family member asked my grandparents how they had stayed together for so long. Without a beat, Grandad replied, "Get married young, stay together and live a long time."

Those words of his were not the ones on my mind today though. 

When he was into his nineties, with my grandmother dead for a few years, he observed as many do at that age that the hardest part of living a long life was being left as your friends and family pass on. He explained it wasn't just loneliness he felt though. It was a lack of connection to the present. There was nobody in his life who had been with him on the whole journey. That meant that any meaningful conversation had to begin with explanations of who he had been, and what things were like then, to give context to the conversation. Of course, what he needed to do was make new friends and create new contexts, yet that meant abandoning all those rambling, pleasant thoughts of who he had been (who wants to listen to some old guy ramble about that sort of thing?) and trying to find and maintain new relationships using current events and contexts. 

Not old enough to be in that position, still I know how he felt; lonely and disconnected from the present. Daily life has become superficial. How can I feel truly connected to people who don't really know me? How can one talk about feelings or even ideas without explaining where you are coming from. Like Grandad felt and told me, it's silly explaining stuff nobody wants to hear at any rate.


A long time ago, I stated a goal (what part of me is goal oriented do you think?) ~ to be as true as possible to my feminine nature, while presenting as a male. 

Back in those days, a lot of what I was feeling (what part of me do you think that was?) was the need to live true to myself. 

Recently it seems the goal has been reached.
Be careful what you wish for. 
Being content is not the same as being happy.

I am not convinced that I am living true to myself.