"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Sunday 19 May 2013

When Impediments to Wholeness are Removed

I've been reading some very interesting posts by a relatively new blogger Jules, who like me, is using writing to help her sort out feelings and find her way forward.

In her post "Getting Rid of Stuff" she wrote "What I do and how I feel about myself are the only things that will make me happy."

Jules realizes that possessions don't make you happy. In her words:

"Think about all the different things that go into you really being happy. Just to list a few:

Skin care
Hair care
Internal Health
Yard work
Kids(if you have them; I don't)"

There is not a thing on this list I would leave out. I even have the kids. Exercise for me is always blended in with some physical activity, like carrying my golf clubs and walking the course which always gives me great pleasure.

Reality must intrude here. For so long nothing on that list was of use to me. This past eight months has been so different as the impediment called Gender Dysphoria has been reduced. As everyone who has suffered through depression knows that list of activities does not matter even a little during the terrible times.

This might be an unfortunate trait brought by being Canadian, but I cannot ever believe when things are going well there won't be some sort of reversal coming soon. In my bones I feel certain that at some point the monster will rise up and feelings that made a wholehearted life difficult, at times impossible in the past will come back. It would be great to know someone who has taken spironolactone without estrogen. Are you out there? Are my fears unnecessary, or will there come a time soon when the benefits wear off? Will some side-effect eventually start causing more harm than good? I keep reminding myself, one day at a time.

What works for me might not have worked for anyone else. In fact, it probably wouldn't have helped me even ten years ago; circumstance has been so important.

Spiro has removed many things from me over the past eight months. Most noticeably, muscle mass, sex drive (or let's be specific, the drive to couple with my wife even though I still love her), any feelings of agression, and blessedly, gender dysphoria.

I notice my changed muscle mass as I went to do the usual spring-time clean up activities and get out stuff for the garden. Everything felt heavier than it used to be. The circumstance here, that in our age group, it isn't unusual for people to have to accomodate a change of physical strength because of heart or lung problems, arthritis, back or joint pain. I fit right in when I need to take my time doing physical labour.

My sweetie was not happy when sex stopped, but it is a sacrifice she is willing to make. Even ten years ago, this would not have been true. In my case while my sexual desires have taken a decidedly bisexual direction, age gives me perspective. If I was even ten years younger this would not be true. Even now it rankles, but is tolerable.

No matter how long this respite lasts, it has allowed me to uncover a better me, someone closer to the real me, who can take pleasure in, and find value in the small and large things that life brings.

Getting back to Jules' list, it seems to me that no matter what turn I had made, even if I had been transitioning to give me congruence, I would have had to find those things that could make my life worth living in that remade and female body.

Removing an impediment to happiness and wholeness does not make you happy and whole, it simply opens a door.

Sunday 12 May 2013

More Flowers Arrive

It might appear other places in the world, but here in Ontario, we consider this flower to be ours. 

The Trillium are blooming in their thousands in the woods around here. I would love to know other places where these woodland flowers bloom.

We have some in our garden.

White trilliums are the flower of Ontario, but they come in red and purple too

I do love this time of year. New life everywhere.

addendum on May 14: 
Leslie's comment lead me to some research. Here are some links. 
The first is to a blogger from Ohio with photos that remind me of our own forests right now.
The second however is to Cumberland Gal, Dana Koogler of Tennessee, whose close-ups of an amazing variety of hybrid trilliums blew me away. 

Tuesday 7 May 2013


I needed a reminder that others whose paths seem different from my own are not always so different from me. 

I visualized something like this. 

So, here we are travelling different directions, on paths that are unique to us, yet seeking the same goal! 

Saturday 4 May 2013

Seven Teachings

A poster in a local library 

 Seven Grandfather* Teachings

Wisdom ~ To have wisdom is to know the difference between good and bad and to know the result of your actions

Love ~ Unconditional love to know that when people are weak they need your love most, that your love is given freely and you cannot put conditions on it or your love is not true.

Respect ~ To have honour for all of creation. You must give respect if you wish to be respected

Bravery ~ To be brave is to do something right even if you know its going to hurt you

Honesty ~ Always be honest in word and action. Be honest first with yourself and you will more easily be able to be honest with others.

Humility ~ You are equal to others but you are not better

Truth ~ To learn the truth, to live with the truth and to walk with truth, to speak truth

Each one of these is simple enough for a child to comprehend, yet deep enough to take a lifetime to fully appreciate. I certainly wrestle with a few myself.
Bravery made me think immediately of Caroline's post a week ago. Perhaps each of us is brave in ways we do not appreciate.

Very little research pointed me to several sites on these teachings, but this one in spite of being somewhat commercial, elaborates on these seven beautifully. 

It seems very sad to me that a society that would hold such teachings sacred should now live in the shadow of one with such complicated and often conflicting ones. 

My search for wholeness, my deep desire to know, live and speak my truth, keeps reminding me that any impasse I feel is culturally based. It seems it is not humanity but instead human social conditioning that holds me back. 

*In the Anishinaabe society, the 'grandfathers' were their spirit helpers

Friday 3 May 2013

Spring ~ Finally!

April seemed too cold and wet, and now May has arrived with heat and sunshine more like summer here in Central Ontario. Daily highs in the mid 20's C have brought out the first flowers in our garden.

Our First Daffodil of the Spring
We cannot grow tulips, but the mice and deer don't seem to like to eat daffodils, so they have the run of the place ~ for now...