"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Monday 8 July 2013

As Long As You Both Shall Live

With no ceremony. 
No engagement. 
Married to one another for a lifetime 
With only a few the wiser. 

Hidden inside, 
Unheard for so long,
I make everything happen.
While out front is this hollow man
Going through the motions.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Being the one is like being in love.
No one can tell you you're in love, 
you just know it.
Through and through. 
Balls to bones."
The Matrix
 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When you are inclined to listen carefully to others, but to ultimately find answers for yourself and take full responsibility for the results of your actions, the idea that you are connected to some source or higher self is tantalizing.
Not really someone else, but instead, you at another level ~ Wiser, with a perspective you lack or choose to ignore maybe?

Like walking into a scene in a movie, there was Aadi, who had shown me how all of my lives were connected like an amazing tree stretching infinitely through our lifetimes. 
I knew it was her, but this time she looked like a school teacher, looking over the top of reading glasses of all things. 

"Hello Halle. Thank you for coming in to see me. 
I have been watching you lately, and as much as I hate to give bad news to a good person, I am afraid there is something you need to hear."

Moving behind an old wooden teachers' desk, she looked over to me and slowly shook her head side to side. 

"You've been fooling yourself into believing this 'real person behind the male trappings' thing you are doing will work for the rest of your life. 
Now, don't get me wrong, it has been and will be fine for you some of the time. Enough so you have honestly believed you could make this 'two people in one body' thing work."

She shook her head sadly and picked up a cookie tin that had magically appeared on the desk.

"No one can promise you happiness in any of your lives, but,... " She walked around the desk and put her hand softly on my face,

"You will only be yourself when you separate from the guy, move out and find your own place."
Nodding at me, she asked
"You know what I am telling you, don't you?" 

I looked down at the floor, and nodded in agreement, then looked up to her and said "you are talking about the way I feel alone in a room full of people and have more acquaintances than friends and most of them online."


Oh, you can still be a good person, a nice person, reliable and so on...

What you can't be to those around you is the authentic person that you've discovered in this past three years of searching."

Hand on my shoulder, she seemed to be guiding me to the door of the classroom.

"I say this with all the love in my heart my dear, sweet child:

             Invisible people don't exist."

Removing the lid from the tin she extended it toward me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
… Shape without form, shade without colour, 
Paralysed force, gesture without motion; …
TS Eliot


  1. I could say HI to let you know that I was here but I'll say a bit more hoping that I under-stood.
    Remember the time when there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It will be as bright as ever again and find you a few steps closer.

    1. Thanks Ellena. Some days the disconnect between what I know and how I live is bigger than is comfortable.
      I like the light metaphor too and will keep it with me.

  2. "What you can't be to those around you is the authentic person that you've discovered in this past three years of searching."

    To finally live an authentic life is for me wonderful beyond my wildest dreams.

    If it could just be road tested for even a few minutes nobody would spend decades like I did in depressed misery...

    1. Caroline, even though a road test is too much to ask, following your posts and those of others has been educational to say the least.
      Thank you my friend.

  3. Lovely post, Halle. May those around be able to see the wonderful person we all do.


    1. A lovely wish Cassidy. Thank you sweetie :-)

  4. There are times when the power of authenticity demands to be heard, yet in a gentle if persistent manner. Although the subjects to which that power alludes may be many and various, they may not be ignored, otherwise we live out our lives as two-dimensional replicas of what we might otherwise have been. And we listen, as you are doing, not simply for our conscious selves but for our total selves.

    Bless you Halle for what you are, and for what you may yet become.

  5. I must just say this, Halle. I have for some weeks wanted to write about something that is the subject of my next post. Unfortunately, there was an inherent weakness present, in that I could not fully identify the image I was trying to describe. That problem has been around for about twenty years. Now, thanks to your post and my desire to answer it, I have the answer to my problem. It isn't so much the power of authenticity as the 'Voice of Authenticity' that speaks - through images - to our very souls. Thank you, and bless you again.

    1. It seems you and I are on similar paths Tom.
      It was your post that got me thinking of Aadi, my higher power and what she would make of how conflicted I've been.
      So glad you are able to get an insight from me!
      Such serendipity.