"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday 27 February 2014

Another Ending ~ This By Choice

A few months ago, I was feeling that the time had come to sum things up, and let this collection stand for itself. 

In an email to a friend, this idea got mentioned and her advice to never say never prevailed; for now. 

Last weekend, an old friend posted "Garden in Transition". Not the sort of title that would lead you to think in terms of endings, so very typical of Caroline, who will play with her readers as she plays with words from time to time.

The thing is, it seems to me that she is very serious about this ending, for many reasons, not the least of which has to do with truly being done with trans-anything. 

Her blog has been a go-to place for me since my own search began. She intends to leave it up for anyone to stumble onto. I am nothing if not a helper. 

If you are a seeker in this backwater I like to call Blogistan, please go and stumble onto Caroline's TIME REGAINED. 
Start at the very beginning ... a very good place to start.... 

Friday 7 February 2014

Longing for Forbidden Love

Followers here will remember that music has been my muse, and my sustenance throughout my life. What you cannot know is that I am slow of speech. It takes me way too long to put words together for me to be able to keep the interest of the fast talking world around me. It is the reason blogging suits me. 

My favourite music was instrumental for most of my life. Then I discovered a love for the musical theatre. More recently, I have begun to dabble in operas. Most of them are in languages I do not understand anyway, so it is more like instrumental music where the human voice is one more beautiful instrument. In opera, the message tends to be delivered slowly. In fact, (and this is hard to believe, LOL) some complain that opera is boring (gasp!) because it takes so long to tell a story that is very simple. 

Now and then, when the singer's portrayal of the character gets your attention, it seems like a good idea to find out what the story is about. This turned out to be particularly interesting for me in the case of the piece featured below. 
Originally, we had Frederica von Stade here, but problems with Youtube have caused a late substitution. Not a problem however, as Renée Fleming is enchanting.

In the fairy tale turned opera, the title character Rusalka, daughter of a water goblin, has fallen in love with a human. 

She desperately wishes to be someone she is not, so that she can join her beloved.    ~  Sigh... 

      Moon, high and deep in the sky 
            your light sees far,

         You travel around the wide world,
           and see into people's homes.

     Moon, stand still a while
            and tell me where is my dear.

   Tell him, silvery moon,
           that I am embracing him.

    For at least momentarily
           let him recall of dreaming of me.

      Illuminate him far away, and tell him, 
             tell him who is waiting for him!

If his human soul is in fact dreaming of me,
            may the memory awaken him!

Moonlight, don't disappear!

Renée Fleming singing Song to the Moon, from Rusalka by Antonin Dvorak.

Tuesday 4 February 2014

Honoring Another Aspect of Self

We live with labels, even when we hate them. As Panti said in the previous post's video offering, it feels oppressive to feel you have to check yourself out because of concern over what others might think.

Life for this past five years has been a journey to a very new place for me. In every situation of everyday life, and family life, the way I am is not who I was. Not... at.. all. 
Today, it is possible for me to calmly accept limitations that seem to be, and to be aware of an unlimited aspect that does not require outward expression. It is a freedom that is difficult to describe.

Do I self-label? Of course. I am human.

Am I ashamed of the way I self-identify? Not at all. In fact, I love who is inhabiting this body. That seems to be possible though because of that second aspect of myself that defies labeling. 

On the first level, I am sometimes ashamed of the pretend-labels worn for the sake of others. They feel oppressive.

Have I been afraid of the real labels that are there to be discovered in time?

As Grandma used to say, Darned tootin'! 

Why have I been afraid? Mostly because there is going to come a time, maybe soon, when Others Will Notice. Those pretend labels will dry up and fall off, leaving reality in its place for all to see. Life will have to change for a lot of people who I care about, for we all live with the consequences of labels.

We live in a fish bowl, where everything we do electronically is noticed in some way. I use technology extensively, and sooner or later information generated in this real part of my life will accidentally bleed over into that other pretend-side. This might have already happened for all I know.

In all ways but presentation I am transitioning, my body mass is redistributing itself much as you would expect a post-menopausal male's does, into a softer version of itself. For some reason, my breast tissue is increasing. If you think this bothers me, the answer is, not a bit. It has occurred to me lately that if the powers that be in the health care system would allow it, I'd have the surgery to confirm my gender as soon as possible, but continue to present as male for the sake of my dysphoric spouse. 

Yes, you read that correctly. My spouse is dysphoric. She is heterosexual the way I am transsexual. To the bones; through and through and no amount of talk and arm twisting can change these things about us. 

Something that is not pretense at all, is the love and the life we have shared and continue to share. It defines both of us in a way that is far stronger than sexual desires. 

So, back to the labels we would wear. 

It is said that sexuality is who you want to go to bed with, and gender identity is who you want to go to bed as.

By those definitions, I am bisexual and female. 

What is not said, is that it is possible, in fact eventually necessary, to travel beyond that aspect of human existence. 

There is more to being human, and that *more* involves allowing, yet ignoring labels. In that state, judgement is missing. Shame has no meaning. It eventually takes us all in and liberates us. 

For some it is death, feared as non-existence.

For some it is re-birth and when conditions are just right, it simply happens. 
It lies beyond fear.

Somehow, and it seems to be because of this new aspect that I am aware of, the idea of continuing to follow this path my ego has sent me on is no longer fearful. 
I see the adventure. 
I accept that life might get very "interesting" soon, 

or not..... 

Monday 3 February 2014

Transphobia too?

Many thanks to my good friend Claire Hallam, who used to blog under the title A unique cipher of anxiety and friendship for sending a link to this video and background information. Here it is for those who want to know more. And this article in the Irish Times.

As background and explanation, this speech, given at the Abbey Theatre in Dublin by Panti, aka Rory O'Neill, an actor and gay activist, seems at first to have nothing to do with trans issues. Some of us are gay or bi, but the issue of how we feel about ourselves, and how we worry about what others will think is every bit the same even if we are straight.

Remove homophobic and replace it with transphobic.