Maybe the hardest thing for me is recognize what is best for myself.
Trial and error, stupid blind luck, and a lot of desperation lead me to writing a journal as self-help therapy. Even better luck, or some divine intervention sent me online where blogging and all of you helped me even more. What a wonderful surprise to find this community. Yet in spite of that, some days I feel isolated and impotent. Not a good feeling.
Impotent because there seems to be nothing of long term worth in what I am doing now.
Isolated because I haven't held the hand of a sister or brother of my true family.
Impotent because there seems to be nothing of long term worth in what I am doing now.
Isolated because I haven't held the hand of a sister or brother of my true family.
My therapist, the good Doctor T thinks writing has been my best therapy and suggests the next step is a new format and a wider audience.
My friend Calie, who I love and respect, thinks I need to find a way to be with trans friends who are close enough for conversation over a meal.
My friend Calie, who I love and respect, thinks I need to find a way to be with trans friends who are close enough for conversation over a meal.
I definitely need to do some things differently.
Make new mistakes
Learn
Grow.
Meeting face to face makes it all so real...
ReplyDeleteI have made an effort to meet online friends and after a dozen I have yet to find one where our real friendship was not instant. Nature has selected an interesting group of us and we blossom when we know we are not alone.
It will require some effort and good luck too, but I am betting it will be worth any sort of time it takes to make it real.
DeleteI feel like I'm in the same position right now. As dearly as I appreciate the online community, I'd like to get more involved locally— meet people I can go for coffee with or see a movie with. Or share an actual physical hug with. And of course I'd love to meet any of my online friends face to face, too.
ReplyDeleteExactly! People who you never have to explain yourself to or feel awkward with. Hugging would be great too! :)
DeleteLet's see now, how far to Alberta.... ?
Impotent and isolated! Yes indeed! Yet both those feelings are important, not necessarily because there is nothing of long term worth in what you are doing, or that you are truly isolated from your real family. I would ask, "Who is your real family?"
ReplyDeleteSurely, if we have listened to our inner selves, and made honest answers to those promptings, we are in the right place at the right time. But changes must occur when we are ready for them. That does not necessarily mean that our path is misdirected in any way, only that some changes may be necessary. What those changes may be will, I'm sure, be revealed all in good time.
As for your true family, that is not necessarily your biological family. The case is rather similar to that of the "certain man who went down from Jerusalem to Jericho." That parable (aka the Good Samaritan) was told in answer to the question, "Who is my neighbour?" It has never been my wish to 'teach and preach' but is this story not apposite? It seems to me that you have come a long way since I first came across your blog. Each step has required a re-assessment of how you see the world and the part you have, sometimes perforce, played in it.
From time to time we may become discouraged and down. That is only natural. And you are not alone in those feelings; others out here also feel isolated and impotent, as if we have made mistakes on our Path and are wasting our time. It isn't true of course!
Whatever company you choose to keep, trans friends or otherwise, in physical reality or virtual contact, may I suggest that you make sure you stick with winners.
Love and best wishes, Halle.
Oh Tom, I consider my true family exactly that way. You might have seen the masthead up top; my Richard Bach quote. I really feel that way.
DeleteI love the "right place at the right time" reference, for that is what I am preparing for. When you come to grips with what you need, and are certain of your priorities, then when opportunity presents itself, you notice it and are prepared to take action.
Sometimes when life goes in a cycle, we don't notice that the circumstances have actually improved when we find ourself at a similar place. Thank you for noticing and mentioning change and perhaps some improvement here over the years.
Not sure if words can manage to convey; I really wish a hug and squeeze of the hand was possible here Tom. I know the winners and yes, I will stick close to them. Perhaps you have read Proverbs 18:24.
Love and Hugs sent your way too Tom.
You know, you Canadians are only one country away, and Cass's Casa has plenty of room! :D
ReplyDeleteI, too, have been much too isolated. But I'm taking steps to change that, starting next weekend. Hope you are all able to do something similar soon.
Hugs,
Cass
P.S. The offer is genuine, btw. Boston is... well, not as cold as Canada at this time of year, anyway. lol
Mom always says to me to be careful what I wish for... That is a very generous offer Cass. Thank you so much! Looking forward to hearing your plans for next weekend!
DeleteHugs, Halle
Hi Halle
ReplyDeleteNice to see you have plenty of support from your blogging friends. A long time ago when I was more active in blogging I met several bloggers and it was very rewarding experience. One couple from Canada stayed with us when visiting down under.
Best wishes
It has been a great blessing Lindsay finding so many friends. They and you are certainly one of them, have been the best part of the inspiration and the road to understanding. Like I wrote years ago now in the "Welcome" at the top right!
DeletePerhaps someday you will want to come and see our part of Canada.
All the Best