Feeling Whole and Fine

Every now and then I check which of my posts here are trending that day, and go back and read it again. Overnight a few nights ago, there had been seven “hits” on one post from 2011: Feeling Disjointed 

On a day with only nineteen visits so far, that seemed to indicate a puzzling coincidence; a coincidence even more striking when I look that post over and realize that today’s message is not so very different in one way, and so amazingly different in another. 

One morning this past week, I said some “cannot be unsaid” things to my sweetie. Though it is still my greatest hope that she and I can stay together, there was no way I could live with dishonesty any more, pretending to be coping well. A change has happened in my search for wholeness. She has put up with a lot over the years and now is definitely the time when she needs to know as much as I do, so she can decide if she wants to stay around for another and perhaps even more difficult time with me. 

Thanks to a lot of help from a few friends (you know who you are) the past two years have been very productive personally, finding myself and slowly developing a certainty of who really inhabits this body. It is time to stop pretending and take the dive into womanhood. I don’t know when ‘full-time’ will happen, but happen it will in order to fulfill a promise I have made to me; live as fully as possible, be true to myself with no regrets. It may sound dramatic, but life as a man was going to end soon one way or another, and I'm not ready to send myself into the great mystery of death. I am heading into another adventure convinced that my best case scenario would be to go into that life with my sweetie as best friend and lover. Yet I know losing her is not  the worst case scenario. 

If there is such a thing as a promise made to oneself, I have a strong suspicion it is made to us before we are born. Perhaps the potential for an interesting life and all that goes with it was promised to me. It seems that I am a version of me who is going to enjoy the full benefit of that promise. 

I feel fresh and new. 

I don’t know what my dear sweetie is going to decide for herself. Whatever it is, I hope with all my heart that it makes her happy too eventually. 

So, to borrow from that post three and a half years ago:

Be yourself. 

But be ready for that personal journey to reveal some surprises. 

Letting go to move forward

This morning I realized for this past two months or so I have been wasting energy trying to make things happen for myself. At the same time, there has been a lack of spiritual connections. But there is no way to force a connection with one's inner spirit. 

Coincidentally, (or could it all be connected?) in this past while, my lack of feminine expression has been on my mind more than any time in the past two years; a terrific distraction. 

Lucy's post jarred me this morning. Among many things, what she wrote reminded me that my job is to set the course and allow things to happen in their own way.

My transition has been unique to me; one in which things have changed slowly, yet change has happened.

Attitudes, mine and others around me, are slowly and subtly shifting. That is my way, and my plan for me.

I am not my body and my true nature shines through in spite of appearances. Even more though, my true nature is just that; true. I am under no obligation to my family or anyone else to become someone new or stay as someone familiar.

This morning, I woke up twice. I now remember that what is important is to have as much fun as I can letting things take their course.