"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday 31 July 2015

Stay Calm! Be Brave! Wait for the Signs

There is a lot to do here chéz Halle. So much to do that I almost feel embarrassed taking time to sit here and tap away, but it has been five weeks since the last time the need presented itself. Much has happened, and I believe that post left you hanging. An update is only fair, for I learned some important things from that experience that I'd like to record here.

First of all, my perspective on being trans has shifted. Up until eight days ago, I had never ventured out presenting as myself (female that is) and on that day, after a kiss goodbye to Mrs H, out that door I went, hopped into the car and off I went to the big city for an appointment with an endocrinologist. This is not something I did without serious soul-searching. I do tend to overthink everything. But I had help finding myself in all that thinking. It turns out, the biggest help was this blog thanks to Cassidy via Alice. "Tell her to read her own blog!" There in so many forms were messages that supported my best nature. I haven't looked back since and the doctors agreed that this body needs estrogen to support that nature.

What else have I learned?

Clothing isn't what I am all about. Yes, I loved choosing and wearing clothing to suit my mood and the purpose of that day. I look forward to other times and places that will allow me to show off this body in transition. In the end however, who I am is not what I wear.

It isn't necessary or even desirable to tell people that you are trans. I have decided to let them find out as time and HRT makes it more than obvious who they are seeing. I even intend to wear a somewhat androgynous wardrobe that will evolve as I do. Giving people a heads up only made them anxious about things that didn't affect them. I have no idea why taking sides and laying blame is so popular an activity, but it became so divisive for my sweetie and I as those "helpful friends and relatives" heaped all of their own fears on top of the ones we had already.

There are all kinds of other things learned, but here is the really big one.

My sweetie is an amazing person and she deserves better than she has got, but her strength and love have kept her from running away in spite of all the pressures to do so. Her needs and those pressures from outside have sometimes forced me to temper the pace of change, but she has our happiness as her goal, and because of that, we are still together. If that changes, I do not believe our parting will be hateful, but one that acknowledges and respects.