First of all, my perspective on being trans has shifted. Up until eight days ago, I had never ventured out presenting as myself (female that is) and on that day, after a kiss goodbye to Mrs H, out that door I went, hopped into the car and off I went to the big city for an appointment with an endocrinologist. This is not something I did without serious soul-searching. I do tend to overthink everything. But I had help finding myself in all that thinking. It turns out, the biggest help was this blog thanks to Cassidy via Alice. "Tell her to read her own blog!" There in so many forms were messages that supported my best nature. I haven't looked back since and the doctors agreed that this body needs estrogen to support that nature.
What else have I learned?
Clothing isn't what I am all about. Yes, I loved choosing and wearing clothing to suit my mood and the purpose of that day. I look forward to other times and places that will allow me to show off this body in transition. In the end however, who I am is not what I wear.
It isn't necessary or even desirable to tell people that you are trans. I have decided to let them find out as time and HRT makes it more than obvious who they are seeing. I even intend to wear a somewhat androgynous wardrobe that will evolve as I do. Giving people a heads up only made them anxious about things that didn't affect them. I have no idea why taking sides and laying blame is so popular an activity, but it became so divisive for my sweetie and I as those "helpful friends and relatives" heaped all of their own fears on top of the ones we had already.
There are all kinds of other things learned, but here is the really big one.
My sweetie is an amazing person and she deserves better than she has got, but her strength and love have kept her from running away in spite of all the pressures to do so. Her needs and those pressures from outside have sometimes forced me to temper the pace of change, but she has our happiness as her goal, and because of that, we are still together. If that changes, I do not believe our parting will be hateful, but one that acknowledges and respects.
There are all kinds of other things learned, but here is the really big one.My sweetie is an amazing person and she deserves better than she has got, but her strength and love have kept her from running away in spite of all the pressures to do so. Her needs and those pressures from outside have sometimes forced me to temper the pace of change, but she has our happiness as her goal, and because of that, we are still together. If that changes, I do not believe our parting will be hateful, but one that acknowledges and respects.
Clearly, you are on a journey of great adventure. However, your post has highlighted a very important input to your life, namely she whom you call "Sweetie." In so many cases where people need to come to terms with a major problem, or shift of emphasis, in their lives there is an unsung hero or heroine in the background. It is so good that your heroine is not going unsung. My love to you both.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tom. Love flowing back to you!
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ReplyDeleteFor all the changes in recent media reporting the general public still often remain ignorant of our condition so group us with two headed monsters. We can't imagine the changes which hormones and grooming can bring so how can friends and family imagine the person whom they have know for so long in a completely different role. Often they can be more worried about their own embarrassment to get round to considering ours.
ReplyDeleteThe quiet approach sounds like a good one though some key people need to know where we are heading.
How we held on playing a life in drag still amazes me but the eventual breakdown with need for change no longer does. Good to know that you have a plan.
Prost to you both! Here's to growing, learning, and looking fear in the eye.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with the statement about telling (or not telling) your friends and public that you are trans. At least not right away. Outside of the trans world, I have told very few and of those few, they are all cis-woman who in one way or another show empathy to those who are trans. Too many of my friends have made the mistake of coming out early. I think you are spot-on, Halle. The changes will come gradually and you will know when the right time to tell (those who don't already know) is.
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