The Drive to Be, Simply Be

I have had a Facethingy account used only to find out what our offspring and friends are doing. It is of course in my birth name. I've always been certain that danger lurks in even this tenuous connection to Big Brother. 

Recently, someone who knew me well before the great denial of my late teens has found me because in a weak moment, the name of the high school attended got filled in.

This person knew me well, certainly better than most, because she thought of herself as my girlfriend, that is, she thought I was her boyfriend. I of course, (and would never have admitted this) thought of her as my girlfriend too, but I was also her girlfriend. The actual mechanics of that thinking disturbed me so much then. It shamed me. I wanted so much to be a real man for that wonderful young woman. I wanted to find a way for us to be together always. The conflict in me made me drive her away with some very simple words that altered both our life-paths: "I don't think we should be a pair anymore K... "

I saw K after that, and when she moved with her family we exchanged letters as pen-pals, but we could never again have the same hopes for our relationship. Eventually she met her future husband and we lost track of one another.

K and I are both rather old-fashioned and are now exchanging emails in just the same way we once did letters via the postal system. We have made a fairly good start at catching up.

It is now time to decide just how much to share, and in my case whether to become a real person, not just a reflection of a somewhat phoney person from the past. Is it time to let her know exactly who she might have had a longer relationship with in a different world, and more importantly, who she might get to know even better now?

Can I live with the risks of being true to myself even though the remnants of a life projecting a façade are still all around? If I don't, what other risks will I be unable to face?

Can You Tell?

Maybe the previous post might not show the happy and productive gal at her best. Or maybe it might. 

Yes, I am a happy and productive gal at last. (ed. But isn't that all in your mind Halle?)*. Well, yes, the outer presentation hasn't gone all gal yet, although my collection of very androgynous clothing has come in handy making me feel at least a bit normal. That which is inside, the part that makes me say the gal is productive, is a calm never experienced in my memory. I feel ...right. 
Reading Tammy's post Everything Changes reminded me that HRT is likely responsible. What a wonderful post it is by the way. She writes:

What I did not expect was what I experienced over the first few weeks and months of my hormone therapy.  Physical changes did occur as expected, but the mental, emotional and possibly even spiritual effects of estrogen on my system were phenomenal.

The changes are subtle physically in my case so far (two months today), but I find it hard to imagine that those mental and emotional effects haven't been noticed. 

My spiritual side has definitely been re-energized as well. And somehow love is finding me unbidden. A wonderful friend sent me a book in the mail yesterday. As is my habit with a book of its sort, this afternoon I opened it at random, and read:

Something mysteriously formed, 

Born before heaven and earth, 

In the silence and the void,

Standing alone and unchanging,

Ever present and in motion. 

Perhaps it is the mother of ten thousand things.

I do not know its name.

Call it Tao. 

For lack of a better word, I call it great.

*With no apologies to my good friend Abigale whose editor makes regular appearances on her blog Abigale's Airings

What Could Be More Important?

I feel the need to engage and be part of something more.

Today's post is not trans related, but it is about something rather important. It is about an invitation to those who, like me, have wondered if it is possible for my spirituality, which somehow survived religion rather than being fed by it, to find a relevant community.

We are living in very dangerous times. Extremist religions threaten to arm themselves with the most destructive weapons humans have invented. The power to end this seems to be under the control of those who are convinced that this life is nothing and the afterlife is all.

At the same time, through greed and neglect, our planet is convulsing with climate change effects. Too many leaders argue that this is not caused by humans, and we needn't concern ourselves. If there is a uniting spirit behind all life, I believe it is calling out to all of us to take heed of the violence of the storms.

I have begun to read a book, With or Without God by Gretta Vosper. The subtitle is "Why the way we live is more important than what we believe".

Gretta admits that as a woman, ordained in a mainstream church, something that has been possible only recently in the close to two millennia of Christianity, her perspective is different:

Once ordained, women gained access to a power structure they had recognized from the outside as displaying many of the features of archaic institutions; they saw where it was hierarchical, self-preserving, bigoted, chauvinist, and dulled by successive generations of leaders whose circumcised intellect prevented them from exploring beyond their own reiterated dogma and canonical laws. 

Vosper asks the important questions right away:

Can the church slough off the encrustations of two millennia of ecclesial doctrine and theology in order to address the world's most urgent needs? Can it let itself dissolve into the pool of ideals, and hope-filled primordial elements out of which it once grew and find in a new mix, in new combinations of those elements, something of value to offer the world?

She seems to be intent on answering yes to these questions, convinced that church and religion can work and be relevant. It seems tantalizing to me. I will read this book and if there is something further to say, perhaps will post again.

I am willing to be convinced that it is possible to somehow use this opportunity to be part of a paradigm shift. If it is possible to save the planet and humanity with it by rediscovering a spirituality that is the root of all of our current religions, I am very interested. I will finish Gretta's book at the very least.