I Didn't Cry

But I could have; for the fear and upset and finally, in joyous relief. 

I woke myself from a terrible dream early this morning. No monsters in the dream, or perhaps there was one. 

In it, I was a man, dressed as one, talking like one, and acting like one. I wanted to run away from myself, it was so awful!

Sometimes you just think something is so. Then your heart sends you such a clear message. 

No doubts. 

You know.

Butterfly in Amber

This morning my good friend Alice asked me a question I've been asked many times before; "When did you know you are trans?"

Believe it or not, I rarely think about that sort of thing now; too busy being me and loving the living. However it suddenly dawned on me that as I was growing up a painting my father had done of my mother that hung in our living room was in fact my ideal of myself. 

That painting, pulled out of its storage location in my basement, stained from neglect, still has the power to move my heart. 

I realize this morning that there is heavy symbolism to that painting's history, including the stains. 

Bringing it out and displaying that part of me so that I can look at it now and remember is symbolic too. 

No longer trapped and static, this butterfly will get to use her wings, currently flexing as though on a sunshine filled day in Spring. 

Coming out of my shell

A dear friend of mine gave me this reminder that she loves that I too am coming out of my shell these days. 

This little friend is made from a tagua nut. It feels like ivory and indeed, on this webpage they explain that the tagua is sometimes called 'vegetable ivory' for that reason. 

At one time 20% of the buttons manufactured in the United States were made from this material. Plastic made that seem obsolete. We know better of course, but if something costs more, we know it matters little to a business that the product is sustainable, and the harvesting employs workers in some far-off land. 

As for my little friend in the photo, I know someone actually held a nut in their hand and that hand was guided by their mind and heart with skill and beauty. 

Somehow, that matters a lot.