Beth ~ Live in the Present

Feeling really tired, I thought, maybe a little snooze. I wonder what Beth would do in my place. Hmm....

What a pleasant dream! Bright and sunny, warm (not like in the real world of -20C) and a golf course! No, not just any golf course, but my favourite. Please let this dream keep going!

There on the first tee, looking back at me was my dreamtime twin Beth. I wondered if she would recognize me. The first time we met and talked I had been in men's clothes for some reason and now, well all was as it should be is the best way to put it.

"White tees ok for you, twin?" she asked. "That will be fine, except when we get to six if you don't mind. I prefer the challenge of hitting over the canyon, so I'll play the blues there." 
"It's my first time here, so please, be my guide." she said with a smile that was as wide as my own. It was really good to see her again.

Off we went, and of course, in dreamtime the shots were perfect, long and perfectly shaped; why else would we say "in your dreams' to someone wishing for such perfection in this game?

There is lots of time to talk when you walk a golf course, but Beth didn't waste time on small talk, cutting right to "That post on your blog was a lot whiney you know. I was glad to hear you and Grandad got along too though." 
"Why do you say 'whiney'?" 
"Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounded like 'Oh poor me. I don't have anyone who really knows me; can't have a good conversation. Yada, yada...' says that poor whiney person who needs a wake up call named Halle."
I hadn't thought it was that bad, but if anyone can call you out and get away with it, it should be your twin.
"It really sounded that bad did it?"
"Let's just say it wasn't your finest two minutes. Sorry to hear you are feeling down, but don't you think everyone feels that way some days? I don't live with your history, but I don't have anyone I talk to about my deepest concerns either."
"Not even your girls or best friends Beth?"
"Not really. Most of the things that bother me are ghosts that nobody can do anything about. Regrets and stuff like that. Like I said, yada, yada... My best friends wouldn't be such good friends for long if I went on about my worries all the time. "

I thought about what she had said, and had to agree, but tried to defend myself "There are all kinds of issues on the side that are making it seem worse I guess." She put her arm around my shoulder and nodded, "Ya, I get that, and you don't have someone in your life you can unload on. Welcome to the world of the single woman sweetie! It seems to me you have reached that exalted status of person who actually understands themselves and you aren't sure what to do about it."

I nodded back, acknowledging the truth of what she had said, then looked at the five foot putt she was lining up. A slippery downhill left to right. "These are really slick greens, just so you know."
She chuckled "Mind games already and just the first hole!" then stroked the ball into the middle of the hole. "Yup, fast and true, just like Dad always liked them."
We walked off to the second tee, both enjoying and commenting on the beautiful view. Then she stopped and turned to say,
"Halle, you can live one day at a time and find as much pleasure there as you can, or you can wonder what else you could be doing, if only, if only. Just another choice, don't you think?"

She had the honour, so she stepped up and sent the ball down the middle of the fairway, and of course, in my dreams, I also hit that least likely of shots and soon our balls sat together in the distance. We strolled along. I took her hand.

"Can we meet up now and then to chat so you can straighten me out?"

She kept looking forward, but squeezed my hand.

"As long as you don't mind me doing the same, sis."

Living in the Present

It occurred to me this morning that I have gained a personal insight into something my grandfather told me a long time ago. 

He was quite the wit. At their sixtieth wedding anniversary party, sitting together hand in hand a family member asked my grandparents how they had stayed together for so long. Without a beat, Grandad replied, "Get married young, stay together and live a long time."

Those words of his were not the ones on my mind today though. 

When he was into his nineties, with my grandmother dead for a few years, he observed as many do at that age that the hardest part of living a long life was being left as your friends and family pass on. He explained it wasn't just loneliness he felt though. It was a lack of connection to the present. There was nobody in his life who had been with him on the whole journey. That meant that any meaningful conversation had to begin with explanations of who he had been, and what things were like then, to give context to the conversation. Of course, what he needed to do was make new friends and create new contexts, yet that meant abandoning all those rambling, pleasant thoughts of who he had been (who wants to listen to some old guy ramble about that sort of thing?) and trying to find and maintain new relationships using current events and contexts. 

Not old enough to be in that position, still I know how he felt; lonely and disconnected from the present. Daily life has become superficial. How can I feel truly connected to people who don't really know me? How can one talk about feelings or even ideas without explaining where you are coming from. Like Grandad felt and told me, it's silly explaining stuff nobody wants to hear at any rate.


A long time ago, I stated a goal (what part of me is goal oriented do you think?) ~ to be as true as possible to my feminine nature, while presenting as a male. 

Back in those days, a lot of what I was feeling (what part of me do you think that was?) was the need to live true to myself. 

Recently it seems the goal has been reached.
Be careful what you wish for. 
Being content is not the same as being happy.

I am not convinced that I am living true to myself.