The Pursuit of Happiness

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything".

This past week and this as well, sweetie and I are on holiday taking a break from routine and work. It makes us happy, at least this is what the lovely Mrs H says. She teaches me so much. Not intentionally of course, but in this case by modelling the extremes of a cycle we all fall into as humans.

Much of human existence, at least the part not preoccupied by survival (not the television programme), might seem to be distilled down to that very American phrase 'the pursuit of happiness'. It is likely that scholarly essays exist on this idea. It is not my intention to add to that body here, but simply to reflect that for me the traditional idea of happiness seemed too strongly connected to possessions or ownership or control, all things that had little attraction in the past and almost zero attraction now. 

For so long I was certain real happiness existed, but had eluded me. Contentment seemed to be what I could settle for; the knowledge that I was doing the best I could under sometimes impossible circumstances. I knew something that would make me happy; to be fully female.

It is clear to me now that gender congruence alone does not create happiness. One might say it removes an impediment. I know that for some, that life path is the only viable one. After, one moves on and the challenges of life return. Happiness is not the automatic result.

My attempts here to understanding my dual nature, my queerness some would say, has lead me to wonder what there is to cherish, if not happiness.

Watching my sweetie, it seems to me that the 'happiness search' is a cycle that involves analysing the present situation followed by planning for something 'better'. An inability to live in the moment then sabotages the very goal of happiness, as this wonderful thing we plan takes place and moves into the past, regret follows and the planning for the next happy occasion begins.

For me this trip away from home with my sweetie is about moments to savour. Worldly moments yes. Good food. Beautiful scenery. Friends to visit.... Those sorts of things. I have enjoyed it so far, and look forward to relaxing with books, but this issue of happiness wants to be explored first. 

If happiness exists, it lies elsewhere and absorption with moments of joy almost seems to get in the way. That cannot be right. If we instead assume that happiness is an illusion, replacing the cycle of planning and waiting with something more fulfilling, just what does that look like?

As I sit on the sandy beach looking out at the water sparkling blue under an August sun, Aadi slowly materialises, as though in her way she is trying to sneak up. "Interesting thoughts you are having there. Maybe you will put this into one of your blog posts?" 

I never know how she will look in these dreamtime meetings, but somehow I always know it is her. "I've been pondering, yes." A butterfly came toward us from a long trip over the water and landed on her outstretched hand. "Something you are wondering about. Ask, Halle" 

"Is it fair to say that from your point of view happiness is meaningless Aadi?"

She placed her free hand above the butterfly like a shelter.

"In what you would call this moment my consciousness is here with you, and also consoling another Halle who transitioned thirty of your years ago and cannot imagine how she can carry on without her partner of twenty five years.  As I tell you this, I am with yet another version of you who just died in a mysterious car crash and is trying to figure out why he still is conscious and can see his dead body and mourning family gathered. These are just three of an infinite number of 'places' I am engaged in 'at the moment'. My perspective is *different* shall we say." 

She had a glint in her eyes as she told me that last part. I was about to suggest that she really didn't have time for me because I wasn't in any sort of trouble, when she interrupted the thought. "It is all about perspective you see. Isn't this a beautiful day Halle?" 

As I was about to answer clouds darkened and rain fell so hard I could just barely see the lightning flash that preceded the thunder by only a second. Just as quickly the clouds parted and sun was shining again. Aadi raised her hand, and the butterfly perched on her finger flapped it's wings and fluttered off.

"A beautiful day indeed Aadi". 

" From a certain perspective, mine, happiness is replaced by joy. Joy for the knowing that nothing in life is wasted. Everything you or any of your uncountable incarnations does adds to our totality.

Your acceptance that both female and male reside within is part of a new perspective. It is part of our joy Halle.

The fact that you are here with me on a day when there is no crisis to deal with tells me something of your perspective, and it is a good thing. You know that as long as you live there will be hard times when it will be difficult to remember this moment and this way of seeing the world. Come back to it as often as you can my dear. "

I am left with the question about happiness. Somehow it seems that this pursuit is no more or less valuable in life than any other. 

Love yourself 

timeless

There are ideas I accept as givens that probably, oh, who am I kidding, definitely seem pretty foreign to those who stop by here. Like the idea that everyone's life is like a tree with infinite branches where every choice made and every path that could have been followed actually exists in parallel dimensions. 
As a good reader of fiction, you are of course willing to suspend disbelief... 

"Why, aren't you the clever one now!" Aadi leaned back against the trunk of our tree as she laughed, put the apple she had been eating down and started to clap as she watched me slowly materialized while walking toward her. I love a bit of drama, and nothing like a tip of the hat to your mentor to get their attention in a positive way. Grinning, I curtseyed, "thank you, thank you." 

She patted the log beside her and in what for anyone else would be a feat of legerdemain, handed me an apple that slowly materialized in her hand. "You have more questions don't you Halle? I know that look." she smiled as she said that and I remembered how she admitted enjoying my curiousity. Something she called 'an endearing quality'.

Biting into that apple and looking up at my tree with all the billions of branches, I could see and hear Aadi pointing to one tiny glowing spot and whispering to me, "... and you are... that one." as she had on that day, as though it was only moments ago. 

I wondered how she could possibly know me so well, even tiny details like how much I love cookies and apples. I tried to fathom how someone so obviously powerful could care how I felt, and what I thought. Mostly I wondered how in the world she has the time to visit with and keep track of each of the billions of those tiny glowing dots. 

Her eyes widened, "My, but you are having some interesting thoughts there." She chuckled at my surprised look as it dawned on me that nothing I thought escaped her notice. "Halle, how long ago was it that we met here and talked about this tree of yours?" I put the apple core down, "As a matter of fact, I actually re-read the blog post about that visit just this morning, and it was about eighteen months ago." 

Shaking her head slowly as though to indicate I was away off, Aadi stood and walked around the base of our tree and stretched. Her body seemed to shimmer, and she looked like me, then like Beth, and then so many others, childlike then ancient and every age between, before settling back down to the image of that teacher I met only last summer in a dream. 

"Halle, take a guess how long it has been for me since these meetings you think of as in the past." 
As though in slow motion in my mind, the penny dropped. 

"I am guessing you exist in no particular time..." 
Nodding, she changed back to the appearance she had when I first met her. "... and you and I are never really separated are we?" 

Eyes glowing at me, her prize student, "Halle, we are one. You and Beth, and the monk from a previous life who you dreamed about too, and so many others who you don't 'remember'." She actually had used her fingers to make quotes around that last word. I almost chuckled at that, and then thought about what it meant. 

"You know what I really wanted to ask you about don't you?" 

Of course she knew, duhh! 

"The first answer is, yes, when you were 'born'," (she did the quotes thing again) "you did it purposefully, and yes, there is a promise we made. The things that challenge you in your life and the choices you made all related to it. Every feeling and thought matters. When you are ready, you will know how, and even when you are aware of it, you may struggle to live it." 
I had never seen Aadi so thoughtful and careful with her words, yet never in doubt like I often am. 
"It might help for you to know that you cannot ever be wrong. No one will judge you for failing to keep this promise. OK?"

"Everything in me tells me that it is important for me to know and understand the meaning of this Aadi."

She smiled and took my hand. "Just remember that by living 'in the moment' with love you are guided to fulfill all the promises that need to be fulfilled." 

I tried something my daughter used to do that had often worked well on me...  'puppy eyes', 

"Won't you even give me a hint?"

"Oh Halle, you know it already. You have been thinking about it." She frowned at my forlorn look, getting more intense and then started to chuckle at my pouting face. 

"Cut it out Halle!" she laughed at me. "Oh, I give up.... Here is your hint. Think of your six lessons. What is lesson number three?"

".. 'on earth as it is in heaven' ...  It's a promise? Oh, ...  Aadi, we really are one?" She nodded to indicate I should carry on. "So, when I remember you, and how patient and loving you are, and try to be more like you would be in whatever situation I find myself in, somehow that is part of my promise; doing my best to bring some of this place to my world and others who I know?" I felt amazed and light and joyous and overwhelmed all at once. "That can't be all of it though, can it? That is so simple!"

Aadi was up and on the move. "Such a lovely day! . Enough serious talk for now. Time to have some fun!" This was an Aadi I had never experienced. I had a feeling there was still so much to learn, but it was obvious that was not going to happen 'right now', even though for me learning was obviously just starting.
  
"How about a three-some?" As she said that, Beth walked out of the clubhouse of a heavenly golf course that appeared to have been there all along, smiling at the two of us. "Hello you two. I was just thinking how nice it would be if the three of us... what? Did I interrupt something here?"

"Beth, whatever would give you that idea?"

I grinned an impossibly wide grin as I took in this perfect, timeless scene and accepted a warm hug from my twin.