Every now and then I check which of my posts here are trending that day, and go back and read it again. Overnight a few nights ago, there had been seven “hits” on one post from 2011: Feeling Disjointed
On a day with only nineteen visits so far, that seemed to indicate a puzzling coincidence; a coincidence even more striking when I look that post over and realize that today’s message is not so very different in one way, and so amazingly different in another.
One morning this past week, I said some “cannot be unsaid” things to my sweetie. Though it is still my greatest hope that she and I can stay together, there was no way I could live with dishonesty any more, pretending to be coping well. A change has happened in my search for wholeness. She has put up with a lot over the years and now is definitely the time when she needs to know as much as I do, so she can decide if she wants to stay around for another and perhaps even more difficult time with me.
Thanks to a lot of help from a few friends (you know who you are) the past two years have been very productive personally, finding myself and slowly developing a certainty of who really inhabits this body. It is time to stop pretending and take the dive into womanhood. I don’t know when ‘full-time’ will happen, but happen it will in order to fulfill a promise I have made to me; live as fully as possible, be true to myself with no regrets. It may sound dramatic, but life as a man was going to end soon one way or another, and I'm not ready to send myself into the great mystery of death. I am heading into another adventure convinced that my best case scenario would be to go into that life with my sweetie as best friend and lover. Yet I know losing her is not the worst case scenario.
If there is such a thing as a promise made to oneself, I have a strong suspicion it is made to us before we are born. Perhaps the potential for an interesting life and all that goes with it was promised to me. It seems that I am a version of me who is going to enjoy the full benefit of that promise.
I feel fresh and new.
I don’t know what my dear sweetie is going to decide for herself. Whatever it is, I hope with all my heart that it makes her happy too eventually.
I don’t know what my dear sweetie is going to decide for herself. Whatever it is, I hope with all my heart that it makes her happy too eventually.
So, to borrow from that post three and a half years ago:
Be yourself.
But be ready for that personal journey to reveal some surprises.
I'm happy and sad for you at the same time. I understand, though and I send you my best thoughts and a cyber bouquet of roses.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean so well. Quite the mixed blessing.
DeleteThank you hon. They are lovely.
xo
ReplyDeleteOh Halle,
ReplyDeletethe desire to live as a woman becomes stronger and stronger and one day you can't control it anymore: You want absolutely to transition. If you have any doubt of becoming yourself, take the dive into womanhood, into a better world. You need a solution.
I wish you all the best, Halle!
Feli
Ah, thank you for your thoughts and wishes Feli.
ReplyDeleteAs for my doubts, they may never leave completely.
This is now what is necessary. Can't think of a better way to say it.
All the best to you too!
I agree with you, Halle, the doubts may never leave us completely. But it's our life and there is nothing more beautiful, more normal und more natural than to be a woman. So despite of these doubts, we should try to do all to become whole, if not we will regret it later on.
DeleteOh Halle, I wish you a brighter and more feminine future!
Feli
I know I owe you an email, and YOU know this is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. I'll try to write soon. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, we do need to correspond on this new development! :)
Delete"Stay calm, be brave, wait for the signs" ... Canadian aboriginal wisdom via Dead Dog Café Comedy Hour
ReplyDeleteLove you Halle, and all the best for you and Mrs H.
-alice xoxoxo
Love you too Allie! Thank you for the Canadian content!
Deletexoxoxo
You know I support your decision, girl.
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful to see it in print anyway dear sister.
DeleteFirst of all Halle, let me just say that you have a real talent for puting words together. Your posts always read more like poetry.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you've chosen to keep that promise to yourself. It'll likely mean hard times ahead, but it'll mean wholeness and peace some day too. I'll be hoping for the very best for both you and your wife, whatever that ends up being.
♥
Thank you so much Ashley. It is hard to get me blushing.
DeleteIt has been such a long ride. But in the end, wholeness and peace has become more important. Be strong.
Hope we can meet someday. xx
None but you should have the power to dictate how you live.
ReplyDeleteFree rein to you!
My first thought of a reply here was to write,
Delete"Ellena, you have been holding out on me! Now you tell me."
to be funny... but really, what I truly have to say is
Thank you so much for understanding so very well
Halle I have already been there and my marriage did not survive my coming out to my wife. After a time of turmoil I put things back together and my life is now better than when we were together. Sometimes its hard to see this but trying to shoehorn yourself to someone else's expectations never works and it will slowly kill you inside. You, like me, never wanted to deceive anyone and you did your best to be the male everyone wanted you to be but eventually the pressure becomes unbearable. No matter what happens you will be able to piece together a life that works for you and more closely honours who you are inside. Don't live your life with regret and what ifs. You are too smart for that.
ReplyDeletePeace,
Joanna
Joanna, have I mentioned here that I love serendipity. Admitting that things are not going very well is hard, but there you go. Knowing I am not alone, and there is life after honesty really does matter.
DeletePerhaps in some way we must come to this place, where being honest and honouring who we truly are trumps all else. It is where I am and my wife knows that now.
Our future is still up for grabs but you can bet if our marriage does survive, we will be very strong indeed because we will both be living an honest and open life together.
Peace to you as well,
Halle
Be true to yourself. It has taken me many decades to learn that this does not mean one is selfish and unfeeling to others. No, no ... indeed it is finding the strength to be true to yourself that yields an honest life and fashions kindness and caring in a pressure-filled world. Prost to you, dear Halle!
ReplyDeleteWhen we allow ourselves to express our highest truth it changes so much!
DeleteA toast to you as well dear R!
It has been eight and a half years since this post. I not only survived (and Mrs. H survives too but not with me) but am thriving as a new Mrs. H with another Mrs. H. Yes, the journey was surprising and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI miss our conversations.