Observation on the Journey

Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. 

Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, 

so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place. 

 Paul Coelho

Sometimes The Cover is Not the Book

There are a lot of people who are confused and hurting right now. We want to believe that people are good, and will help us to live the life we deserve. That is the cover of the book, showing us a glowing future if only we believe. When we are let down terribly, it is embarrassing to have to admit that we were taken in by charlatans. 

If there are people like that around you, please be kind. It is so easy to be taken in by someone selling snake oil. Everyone then needs to work together to make things right and make sure that those who have lied and made fools of us cannot keep doing it. 

The Widening Gulf

It has been a month of revelations - to say the least. 

Some might say it began with a 'swearing in', but for me, it truly began with a church service that went sideways for one entitled group and cut right to the heart of the main issue for the rest of us. 

Jerome Stueart created the work you see here. 

It is called The Gulf of Empathy. Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde asked for mercy and we all know what the response has been. 

Visit Jerome's general webpage or this one for 'merch' related to the painting.

Thank you Cassidy for that link to such a perfect song. We need to show mercy and care for all who are now suffering, no matter how they voted.

Echo Chamber

 Hello... HELLO!! IS ANYONE OUT THERE?? .. outthere.. outthere.. outthere.. 

It has been a while since I set over 430 blogposts to 'draft' status here.. I republished one to see if anyone is out there.. In spite of the statistics, there seems to be nobody left. I might be the last of my kind. 

In 2010 finding blogs and their authors was a lifeline that told me I had family that I could get to know. I started commenting on those blogs. Soon I started my own, to give back a bit of what I could only get from reading what those other like-minded people could say. 

We read and commented. We learned from each other. 

Blogistan was a lovely place that I was proud to be a part of. I mourn its loss. But one can and should only mourn for so long. 

Nothing is New Here

The idea that some people will believe anything is hardly new. Sadly, lives can depend on getting the facts correct. 

People are being told that human gender variance is an idea that has been made-up recently and is being used to dupe the citizenry. Because some who have recently come to power need a soft target, they are making up falsehoods to justify draconian actions. Conflating gender-variant people with criminals, such as pedophiles and rapists, is the real crime here. 

Of course, the people making up stories about us don't really want to get their facts straight. We, who have to deal with gender variance and dysphoria daily, should be able to tell this important part of our story correctly to those who might care to know the truth.

We are not some new idea just made up. Further, we were not rejected or persecuted until fairly recently.

Documented references to gender variance go back to Greek and Roman times. Instead of going on and on citing references I shall let you read for yourself in this peer-reviewed article from Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 2021, Vol. 23.

The terminology, around trans-related issues, is relatively new, only about 100 years old. Magnus Hirschfeld (1868–1935), a physician who practiced in Germany, founded two organizations committed to the support of homosexuals and sexual minorities. It was Hirschfeld who coined the term ‘transsexual’ in 1923. This word would only catch on three decades later with the publication of the groundbreaking 1966 book The Transsexual Phenomenon by Harry Benjamin (1885–1986).

Enough of the history lesson. Please be assured, we are not deluded or insane. We are a vulnerable minority - an easy target. 

Please, love yourself while doing your best to love others as well. 

Perhaps, In The Fullness of Time...

“Don't let it be forgot, that once there was a spot, for one brief shining moment, that was known as Camelot.”

― Alan Jay Lerner

~~~

On the shore dimly seen through the mists of the deep,


Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,


What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,


As it fitfully blows, now conceals, now discloses?


Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,


In full glory reflected now shines on the stream;
’

Tis the star-spangled banner; 

O long may it wave
 O’er the land of the free, 

and the home of the brave!

from The Defence of Fort McHenry

Francis Scott Key 1779 – 1843

What It's Like

This poem encapsulates how I have always felt so beautifully. 

~ ~ ~

‘What’s it like to be a woman?”

A little bird whispered in my ear.

‘Is it just like being human?’

Oh it is so much more, my dear.

We are the holders, we are the keepers,

Of the secrets and the truth.

We are the safe place in a storm,

The creator of all youth.

We are the place where life is softest,

We are the colour in the story.

We are the wisdom and the instinct,

Mother Nature in all her glory.

We are the taker of all worry,

We keep it deep within our hearts.

So that others may unburden,

So that great new lives may start.

We are the makers of the home,

Not just the walls but of the spirit.

Bringing everyone together,

Letting love and laughter fill it.

We are sisters, mothers, wives,

So many things in every day.

We are the start of every life,

We are the reason, we are the way.

We are fuelled by intuition,

Call it magic, if you like

We are truly so much more,

Than any words that I could write.

Donna Ashworth

https://donnaashworth.com/

Careful The Things You Say

Growing up in the 1950s and 60s meant that being different was unacceptable. What I felt in my bones was confusing; desires for something that was forbidden because of an appendage that shouldn't have been there. I might have defied most of society, but my life of self-loathing began with things carelessly spoken by people I trusted. What was said wasn't directed at me but it hit home. 

Any man who was less than manly got called 'girly man' in a tone that spoke hatred. Being called 'sissy' was just about the worst thing a boy could hear. To admit a need to be one of the girls was unthinkable.

I was lucky enough to live past the depression that set in as I became an adult by determination alone. No, I wasn't determined enough to go to a doctor and admit who I was. It seems certain that would have got me a ticket to an insane asylum in those days. Instead, I did what so many of us did back then. I went into deep denial, becoming as manly as the rest of the men I knew just to get on with my life. I had wonderful, manly, role models. The façade was born. 

Here is my plea to parents and all role models. If you really love someone, accept them as they are, no matter what expectations you might have had of them. But there is more. Even though you might love someone enough to accept them when you are informed, avoid damaging your relationship with them by speaking carelessly about others. Please take care what you say. Children who might not be able to do anything about their feelings will listen. If they think you and everyone else hates them, they will hate themselves, too. Think how you will feel if you find out they killed themselves because they knew you would hate them. 

If someone truly hates everyone who dares to be different, they must also be determined enough and crass enough to hate their own children when they turn out to be different, too. 

Children listen. They learn what you really think and really believe by observing you. Once said, a derogatory comment about gays or lesbians or trans people cannot be unsaid. If your child isn't strong enough to ignore you and move ahead on their own - if they take what you have said to heart - they might just decide that dying is preferable to disappointing everyone by being authentic. 

Careful the things you say,

Children will listen.

Careful the things you do,

Children will see.

And learn.

Children may not obey,

But children will listen.

Children will look to you

For which way to turn,

To learn what to be.

Careful before you say,

'Listen to me.'

Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make,

Wishes are children.

Careful the path they take,

Wishes come true,

Not free.

Careful the spell you cast,

Not just on children.

Sometimes the spell may last

Past what you can see

And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell.

That is the spell.

Children will listen...

from Into the Woods

written by Stephen Sondheim

Life as a Balloon

When I was a child, I remember The Balloon Lady, a Royal Doulton figurine. It sat on my Grandmother's mantle. I have no idea what became of that lady after Grandma died, but last Christmas K bought a new lady, one of our own, to sit on our mantle. 

In the Disney movie Mary Poppins Returns, near the end, the Balloon Lady makes an appearance, played by Dame Angela Lansbury, and sings a lovely song:

 Life's a balloon
That tumbles or rises
Depending on what is inside
Fill it with hope
And playful surprises
And oh, deary ducks
Then you're in for a ride

Those playful surprises that make life worth living require us to be open and honest with ourselves and others. Fortunately, in my day-to-day life, going about shouting "I'm a woman!" hasn't been necessary. That isn't to say that people are convinced I was born female - quite the contrary - I get all sorts of puzzled looks when people first encounter me. 

The reason it isn't important is that, where I live at least, when people find out that I'm comfortable in my skin, not hiding or pretending, they accept me. 

I believe there is an important reason not to hide or try to pretend. The people in this community know me now. I am a pleasant woman who shops and chats with them. I am a friendly member of the community band. 

By engaging with people as a regular member of society, you become one of them. What do you suppose is going to happen when these good people who know me are in a gathering where a discussion comes up about how awful it is about all of these trans-women (or trans-men)? I'm sure they will have at least one example to use to convince others that we are far from threatening. We are not so different from anyone else. 

You and I are creating the environment for all the trans and queer kids who follow. Hiding our playful, wonderful nature under a basket won't do us or them any good. If we are a threat, make it because we fit in too well. Bigots can't stand that. 

The past is the past
It lives on as history
And that's an important thing
The future comes fast
Each second a mystery
For nobody knows what
Tomorrow may bring

"Nowhere to Go But Up" from Mary Poppins Returns

Written by: Scott Wittman, Marc Shaiman

Lyrics © WALT DISNEY MUSIC COMPANY

Trans Health Under Siege in the 2020s

Here we have another example of politicians who are sure they know better than Medical Associations or parents of children who are living with dysphoria. 

"North Dakota joins at least 13 other states that have enacted laws restricting or banning gender-affirming care for minors.

Republican lawmakers across the country have advanced hundreds of measures aimed at nearly every facet of trans existence this year.

That includes bans on gender-affirming medical care for minors, restrictions on the types of restrooms transgender people can use, measures restricting classroom instruction on sexual orientation and gender identity, and bills that would out transgender students who want teachers to address them by the pronouns they use."

Read the whole article here. 

Welcome to the 1950s folks... your politicians, mindlessly making the world 'great' again ... right. 

~ ~ ~

Update on April 24: - As if the above wasn't enough, there is more, from Missouri this time. Sigh... 

Exceeding Our Programming

Mother nature provides us all with what we need to survive, so how or why should we exceed that exquisite programming?

Yesterday we took our dogs to the groomers. As soon as we got home, one of them went out to our backyard and proceeded to roll all over the ground, and in some poop, as well. She might have had an itchy back, but I suspect her behaviour was related to something a lot more primitive. Nature's way of protecting dogs, and us, too, is to help us to fit in with our surroundings. By rolling in that poo and the grass, she was disguising those odours that stopped her from fitting in. 

Humans have survived with similar instincts. We fit in. Standing out from the crowd makes you vulnerable. Yet, we are humans, not dogs or cattle. Because we can think, we can exceed our basic programming and rise above primitive fears. Or can we?

For hundreds of years appealing to that instinct to fit in has played into the desires of those who would control us. They point at someone who would defy them and declare that those people are evil and must be purged. Kings and Popes have used this technique to declare wars, pogroms, inquisitions, and systematic genocides. Millions have died because good humans who just wanted to protect themselves and their families were convinced that those different people were a dire threat. No monarch, president, chancellor, or church leader could have killed so many on their own. They used their voices and lies to do that for them. 

Not so terribly long ago the boogeyman of polite society was the homosexual. A huge part of humanity lived in fear of discovery. They died rather than be castrated by the state. These were good people who would never have harmed anyone else. Quite the opposite, they desired only to be allowed to do what they would want for others; live as they were made and as they desired and leave others to do the same. 

Today, for the most part, we live in societies where being 'gay' is acceptable. The boogeyman now is the transgender threat. 

Oh, I know, I'm preaching to the choir here. Nobody who reads this will hate me because I defied the judgement made when I was born. Everyone looked at my body and declared that I should live as a man until death. Changing that was an action I never should have had to do. But nobody should have to live hating themselves for what goes on inside their head, unless that thing harms the rest of the world. So there is the crux of the matter. Someone who wants to control others will do what they can to convince your sisters and brothers that doing what is right for you is evil. Think about that. It is what they truly believe. If they believe it for me then they believe it for you as well. Anyone who choses to do what is right for themselves is the enemy of those who wish to control everyone else. 

Fear that leader who points at someone different and says, "Hate them!"

Rise above your programming, encourage others to do the same, and love one another. 

Pity those who act mindlessly because they are unwilling to think. 

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; 

it is easy in solitude to live after our own; 

but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd

keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Green and Other Wonderful Colours

There are times when events can make me feel quite hopeless about the world, and I wonder. 

Where can we find a message that says there is hope? 

Who will tell us that being who we are isn't terrible - even though there are terrible events and, sometimes, terrible people in the world? 

Who can tell us, and show us, that living as we are, openly and without shame, is what is right and good?

If you are green, purple, black, gay or trans, or any other colour of the rainbow, be yourself. Sing along, if you can. Or just listen, and, perhaps, have a good cry as I did (tears of happiness, I assure you). 

Simple, to last a whole life long.

To Find Out Who You Are

Pilgrim: one who travels to a shrine or holy place as a devotee

Grace: unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Over twenty years ago, I purchased the album that includes the song below. At that time, somewhat wistfully, I listened to its lyrics and they made me wonder what had happened to the person who believed that life should be an adventurous journey. 

Somehow, not long after, that person was reborn and the adventure, that journey, continues now. 

Some would argue that saying my destination on that journey was a holy place is doubtful. I disagree, and whose opinion matters in this case?

Making the choice to travel in search of a life that matters more than anything to you is never taken lightly. There are few guarantees. We know there will be difficult twists and turns. In the end, whether you arrive in a holy place will be a result of determination and no small amount of grace. 

As an important aside, if you have come here as part of your own journey, please take the time to read the comments that other pilgrims made, especially early on in my journey. Their guidance often made all the difference for me. 

Pilgrim

Pilgrim, how you journey

On the road you chose

To find out why the winds die

And where the stories go

All days come from one day

That much you must know

You cannot change what's over

But only where you go.

One way leads to diamonds

One way leads to gold

Another leads you only

To everything you're told

In your heart you wonder

Which of these is true

The road that leads to nowhere

The road that leads to you.

Will you find the answer

In all you say and do?

Will you find the answer

In you?

Each heart is a pilgrim

Each one wants to know

The reason why the winds die

And where the stories go

Pilgrim, in your journey

You may travel far

For pilgrim it's a long way

To find out who you are...

Enya from the album A Day Without Rain 2000

It Never Hurts to Be Pleasant

That was something my grandfather taught me. He repeated it many times as a reminder to himself, I think, but I absorbed it. Over the years it has become clear that it means what it says. That is, being pleasant might not make others love you, but they won't have cause to hate you because you are civil and pleasant. It is true that some very pleasant people come to a bad end. I would wager that it is rarely a result of being pleasant. 

In the world I now inhabit - let me remind you, I am an older woman with a long history of behaving and looking very male - I don't try to fool people. I dress and act as a woman of my age would because that is who I am. It is pretty hard to imagine though that, with hair that betrays male-pattern baldness and the height and shoulder width that a lifetime of testosterone gave me, there aren't many who guess that I am trans. So what is a gal to do?

Remembering my years of training, I am pleasant with anyone who allows me to be that way. Because I live in a small town people generally talk to one another. It isn't like being in Toronto where commenting that the weather is beautiful to a stranger gets you dirty looks. In consequence, although people might know very well that I am trans, people also know that I am friendly. They aren't afraid of me. Sometimes they say things like "what a lovely outfit that is ... you are always so beautifully dressed". I don't think they say that to other women who come in the store, but I am always pleasant to them, so they reciprocate in their own way. I appreciate it. 

What might come of this is that people who didn't know much about trans-folk might have learned that transpeople are not scary. In high hopes, some young people who are afraid they are like me (because being different is the worst thing that can happen when you are young in our society) might realize that coming out and living your own truth isn't a bad thing.

I am currently in my early years as a senior citizen. Someday, if I am lucky, I will get old. I might be unable to care for myself. Some of the young folk in this community might be caring instead. I hope to be able to stay pleasant for them. I might even be able to continue to educate the muggles. 

It seems that you've been living two lives ...

We who live two lives, for at least some of our life, understand the reference right away. It is from 'The Matrix'.  In that film, Mr Anderson has another life online as Neo. I don't imagine every transperson creates an online persona in the gender other than the one assigned, but I had several over the years, including a lady who was my avatar in a golf game that my son and I played on the computer quite often. He has never mentioned that ... hmm.

When the character Morpheus said “What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.” some of us got it right away. We related strongly because we knew there was something terribly wrong with our world. 

So you can read the rest here then click the link at the bottom or, of course, you can take the blue pill ...“You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

I didn't see 'The Matrix' when it came out in theatres in 1999. It was in the early 2000s via VHS tape that I heard the Oracle tell me, as she told Neo "Sorry, Kid. You got The Gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something." 

What I was waiting for I had to find for myself. This article has reminded me that without the computer, and the internet, I likely would never have been able to put all the pieces together. I might never have used my gift to discover that one of my lives did have a future. 

The article is called 'I, too, was living a double life': Why trans fans connect to 'The Matrix' and it is on the NPR site in the US.

Entering the Arena

For most of my life I've known the risks of standing out. As an athlete, a musician, teacher, and stage actor, I stood at the brink - about to enter the arena in situations where the team depended on what I could do. My success was the team's success and the opposite as well. I know how much courage it takes to enter the arena. 

As familiar as I was with that risk, standing at the brink of transition over five years ago felt different by a factor of a thousand. 

I have invoked Brené Brown's wisdom many times on this blog. Somehow I missed this address she gave to an audience of creative people at 99u in 2013. For we who are trans and must still put ourselves out there in the public eye, her words ring so true. Hearing them six years ago would have made a difference in my life. Luckily, somehow, I found the courage to step into that arena where all the critics and my worst fears held sway. 

Brené says things like, “I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our asses kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.”

and

“Yeah, it’s so scary to show up, it feels dangerous to be seen, it’s terrifying. But it is not as scary, dangerous or terrifying as getting to the end of our lives and thinking ‘what if I would have shown up, what would that have been like?’ “

When I recognized who I was - a strong woman living the life of a hollow man - the question 'at the end of my life which path will give me peace?' was like a tipping point. It was time to woman up and enter the arena. 

At the risk of repeating myself, this song definitely applies - thank you, K.

"If we walk away, then we walk away never knowing what we could have done."

New Morning Sun - Blue Rodeo 

Male and Female Created He Them

I had watched so many YouTube videos that I fell asleep. In a dream-like state I was still watching a video, but my spirit guide Aadi was on the screen! As always, her image was shifting, old/young, woman/man, black/asian/nordic, then finally settling down as the picture and my laptop seemed to slowly dissolve. I looked up and she was sitting at the end of the couch, looking toward me; the beautiful woman I have spoken with so often in the past. 

“Aadi, it has been so long! It's wonderful to see you!” “Yes, it is, isn’t it?” She looked briefly like Mary Poppins as she said that. 

She asked, “How long do you think it has been since the last time?” I remembered immediately that my spirit guide didn’t live in a particular timeline, but somehow always knew everything about this version of me. 

“It will be seven years in a few days.” I told her, remembering having read somewhere that a human’s cells are mostly replaced every seven years, and thinking that I am not the person I was in 2014 in more ways than one. Yet to Aadi, I was always the same. It made me wonder what she saw when she ‘looked’ at me. It also dawned on me that seven years ago, I was teetering on a cusp. I might have turned my back on transition. I am certain Aadi also keeps track of those other realities where I rebuilt the façade and gave up on transition. How could she keep track of us all? Immediately I remembered what she had told me in that last visit together:

"In what you would call this moment my consciousness is here with you, and also consoling another Halle who transitioned thirty of your years ago and cannot imagine how she can carry on without her partner of twenty five years.  As I tell you this, I am with yet another version of you who just died in a mysterious car crash and is trying to figure out why he still is conscious and can see his dead body and mourning family gathered. These are just three of an infinite number of 'places' I am engaged in 'at the moment'. My perspective is *different* shall we say." 

Aadi smiled as though reading my mind, which I knew she was doing constantly, “You have some questions for me today I think.” I had to laugh at that, because I did have questions as a result of a particular video I had just watched on a channel where this man ‘discusses’ difficult issues in the context of the bible as he sees it. The show I watched was about a biblical interpretation of transitioning. Quoting from Genesis, he pointed out that God made humans male and female. To him, that means God doesn’t want us to mess around with how he made us - we are supposed to remain and live as we came out of the womb. It was the old 'abomination in the sight of God' argument.

"Aadi, am I an abomination?" She surprised me with her answer: "Oh, definitely!" then clarified: "In some human beings' eyes you and anyone like you is dangerous and they hate you." "Yes, I get that," I said, "but what about God?" Without missing a beat, Aadi morphed into a white-haired thunder god and gave me a hard stare. I am used to her being able to change appearance, but suddenly, it was my appearance that shifted, over and over. I became different versions of how I have looked to the world through my lifetime as well as some looks I can only guess are how I will or could look like in the future or in other lives. As I settled back to my current appearance, thunder-god-Aadi spoke in a voice that was the most gentle of baritones. "You look just fine to me Halle."

At that moment I remembered something else she said seven years back. She told me that everything I or any of my uncountable incarnations does adds to our totality. Everything we learn increases the joy of the whole. 

Aadi then surprised me by asking "Do you think God is a man?" In that dreamtime world it didn't take me a second to reply "No, I don't think so. After all, isn't it written in the same bible passage that God said 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness'? So, since 'man' is both male and female and so many different mixes of races and appearances, doesn't that mean that God is the same? Doesn't that mean that God encompasses all of humanity?" 

Looking about as though she was hosting a lecture series, Aadi asked "Does anyone have questions for our guest speaker?" then slowly faded away, Cheshire-cat-like, her beautiful smile disappearing last. 

A Recipe For Happiness

This story starts when I was young and naive. It usually takes a lot of living to find the truth about happiness. 

Because of my naiveté and a basic character flaw (I am a fixer due to experiences in my early life), I married someone who was unhappy a lot of the time, thinking that I was so wonderfully clever (not naive, not me!) and lovable that I could 'make her happy'.  Of course, if you have been reading a few years worth of this blog, you know that not only did I not make that lovely lady happy; I made her very, very unhappy because I couldn't keep the big-secret-of-me from finally grabbing me by the throat and coming out. 

Now some people will say that I transitioned to "make myself happy", which is nonsense spoken by those who know nothing of gender dysphoria. Oh, yes, I have become a very happy lady, but that happened much later and for many very different reasons having little or nothing to do with transition. No, transitioning was never about 'making myself happy'. It was about ending a lie. It was about finally letting my nature take over. It might be said that transitioning was about ending unhappiness, which does not automatically make you happy. It leaves you in an in-between state - a kind of 'happiness limbo' where there is at least a potential for happiness.

Since puberty I had been at war with myself. The way I felt and the things that testosterone made me want and feel made me really unhappy. Designated male at birth, that flood of testosterone was supposed to make me feel right. Estrogen should have made me feel awful. I know a man who had to take estrogen shots as part of his medical treatment. He hated how it made him feel; almost suicidal. In my case, blocking the testosterone felt better. Starting estrogen supplements felt right. All of those drives that made me hate myself were finally gone. It was clear what must be done. 

Was I happy? Hardly. The person I had spent over forty years loving and 'trying to make happy' said what I was doing was wrong. She told me she wouldn't live with a woman and be thought of as a lesbian. I was very unhappy. I wanted the two of us to be 'the Halle girls'. So this taught me that one transitions to be authentic, not to be happy. Do not let anyone con you into thinking that by transitioning you will 'find happiness'. That is horse-pucks. 

"So where is the recipe?" I hear you saying. First another story. 

Years ago our family used to go camping at the same provincial park every year. No matter what time of the summer we arrived there was always a man who was camping, alone, at the same campsite. He always had a big pot of water over his campfire, that was always a pile of glowing embers that he would add a small stick or two to now and then. He was an artist. He told us the water was there for anyone to take a panful. What a happy person! Working away, generous with his time if you felt like chatting. Such a life would have bored me to tears at the age I was then. 

These days, I could be that artist. I could be around that campsite, keeping the fire on low, adding cold water to make more hot when needed. I could read and do my stitching when the light is right. I would go for walks, make my meals, and sit, watching the world go by quite happily.

One needs to find their own happiness. It looks different everywhere you see it. As many people as you meet who are happy, there will be that many different ways to be happy. 

I suppose writing this has made me happy. 

Step 1: Think about what has made you happy and do it more.

Step 2: When you find it, be true to your own happiness. 

Step 3: Never try to make someone else happy. It is hard enough to find and nurture your own. 

Recipe notes: If you are very lucky, as I am, you will find someone to share your happiness - someone who appreciates your recipe, as you appreciate theirs. 

Using Adversity

I was discussing the continued existence of this blog with a friend (no need to panic because I've no intention of dismantling anything here; read on please). In the same vein, we discussed whether the persona "Halle" is still relevant. Halle is a nom de plume for that seeker who I was, not this person who knows who she is and is living her life as well as possible now.

I want this blog to be something useful. There is one more area where my thoughts and experience can be a help to someone stumbling along a similar path to the one I followed, a path that led me to become the woman everyone sees now.

Let me suggest that something that made all the difference for me (eventually) was my stubborn refusal to numb the pain I felt any longer. Starting this blog back in 2010 was part of extensive self-examination and that is what lead me along a path to healing. If someone had told me that it was going to take five years more to work it out for myself with help along the way from so many, I might have felt defeated, but that five year process was essential. Through it came certainty.

For the transsexual, there is little room for doubt in the end. You should, you must doubt your thoughts and desires as you begin. By the time you act upon those feelings, thoughts and desires, you must, be fearless and certain of what you are doing.

That change from doubt to fearless certainty requires tremendous growth. You need to make room for a new way of seeing the world. You must be prepared to leave so much behind that cannot be taken along on that path. There might be pleasant surprises once you are on your way, but you mustn't expect them. Make no mistake, changing your sex is not for the faint of heart, and it is definitely not for someone who is ignoring any part of the pain that initiated the process in the first place.

I'm going to close with a video that was the catalyst for finally putting these ideas down. A surprisingly clear analogy that is applicable to anyone who is under stress, but resonated strongly (obviously) for me.

Love and be fiercely loyal to yourself!

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski on Responding to Stress

Be Who You Are

Strip away what isn't you

Find out who is left

Be That Person

                 

With All Your Heart