A Special Sort of Purgatory

I need to admit something here. The plan I am living is in some ways worse than denial. Yes it is bad to hate who you are and put that part of yourself under a basket in a refusal to examine or acknowledge her. Today I see that what is going on with me is so much worse.

Looking with a cool eye at what is going on in my life right now, it seems a bit like a corpse being maneuvered about and going through the motions of being a man. People around me seem confused, asking way too often, 'are you alright?'. to which my inner being cries out "NO! I am not alright at all. I am dying in here. Please help me!!" even as I hear this masculine voice reply " I am fine thanks".

What I know right now, like a blinding flash of insight is this. There is a special sort of purgatory reserved for a person who has a light, realizes it, and puts that light under a basket on purpose so that none can experience it.

Right now, that is the precipice before me.

In a Dark Place

The test of any strategy is how it holds up when it is under stress.

This will be short and not well edited. Today, for no particular reason my need to be me is high and I am very distracted. What I realize is that, even as I am doing this, writing here is the last thing I should be doing because the awareness of this body is a constant reminder of my incongruence. It is going to get finished and published because someone out there might be in the same place, and we need to know we are not alone, and that there are others who will do anything they can to resist giving into transition.

In a couple of minutes, my body and mind will be immersed in intense concentration on a musical pursuit. I will be practicing some difficult pieces of music that I want to be able to play well in a few weeks. It will give me no time to recognize the fact of my sex; no time to be reminded that it is all wrong. There is no special way to dress or behave while doing this.

If you must (and only if you must) be like me, try to find something in your own life that you can do to immerse yourself and totally distract that overactive mind. I am accepting who I am, but living as though it really does not matter. Quite a trick and only right when that is what you must do.

A Man She Can Be Proud Of

At the risk of showing my age, I briefly considered the pedantic version of that title; "A Man of Whom She Can Be Proud", but language like that is something up with which I will not put**.

Who is she and who is he I hear you ask.

If this was a typical blog, the answer "they are both me" would be just silly, but here we know that is not the case. Finding ways to keep the appearances of maleness, but allowing the woman to flourish is the holy grail of "Maintaining the Façade*" after all. Put another way, this is a way to live that serves the soul and satisfies the role.

No, nothing has changed. I am still housing her soul and living in his body. Thus, the question has always been, 'Can ever the twain meet?' and better still, co-exist? More important to continued existence, is there a way for that mind, where the interface between exists, to continue the job of coping while the dichotomy remains unresolved?

I have guarded hopes that a latest round of soul-searching might have uncovered a path to follow that might lead to a journey, and might eventually become a way of life that leaves all intact; soul, body and mind. Does that mean I predict a future where surgical correction does not take place? The word 'might' should be a clue to my attitude; I do not try to predict my future any more. It is my intention, in fact it is part of that path I refer to, to stay firmly in the present whenever possible. Attempts by others to distract me from that goal are met with an internal resolution that strengthens with every passing day.

Staying in the present and feeding the soul involves devoting myself to activities that are gender-free in their nature. I work part-time in an area where success depends on skill, not gender. My main hobbies involve music both vocal (the voice is the tenor one given to me but I have a lovely alto voice too by my own admission LOL) and instrumental. I also love to go golfing, and yes, I have men and women who are good company when heading to the links. Whenever time permits, I love to read and my main material lately (thank you again Calie) has been what some might call women's novels (recently including the P.C. Cast 'House of Night' series, that is pitched toward young women). So far librarians have not asked, or given me any sort of 'looks' as I have checked out my selections. If they did, I would simply and honestly say I find them enjoyable reading and would highly recommend them to others. 

While keeping in the present, I do look to a future where there are possibilities for personal contact with those who I share common attitudes and interests; you know who you are. :)

Developing a clear understanding of my relationship with my spouse, what her limits are, how we can support each other is an ongoing project. Love is complex at the best of times. Staying in the present is working well for us right now.

It has bothered me that lately I have found little time for writing here. Perhaps the truth is nothing going on in a 'live in the present' life is really interesting enough to put into a blog?

Then again, today I seem to have managed.

** with thanks to Winston Churchill and his amazing wit

 *the original title of this blog