The solstice is past and we in the northern hemisphere, especially the northern part of that hemisphere, are looking forward to the lengthening of the daytime, and the corresponding feelings of hope that brings. This past year, the universe has for some reason decided it is time to illuminate me from within, and I am basking in that glow. Yet I can't help myself; I am a true Canadian after all, and this time of outer darkness reminds me of other times and feelings. Simon and Garfunkel's music became an almost constant companion when I started university. One song became my unofficial theme as I tried to cope with what I thought mattered to the world. My song was I Am a Rock by Paul Simon.
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow
I am a rock
I am an island
I’ve built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock
I am an island
Don’t talk of love
Well, I’ve heard the words before
It’s sleeping in my memory
And I won’t disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved, I never would have cried
I am a rock
I am an island
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
There are so many people who have proven how wrong I was then, but I cannot blame them for not being able to find me or break through my rock hard surface back then.
The song below reflects better than most how I have been and am being treated. Most of all, it is how I want to relate to the world now.
May 2016 be everything your heart desires
When you run out of things to say,
And there’s clouds in your mind,
Everything falls away and you’re wasting all your time.
People can be so cruel girl (and pretend that they care).
We can always fix your world,
‘Cause you know I’ll be there.
You should know you’re always on my mind.
When the rain it keeps coming down
And it’s washing away your smile,
Runnin’ around your town, trying to hide out for a while,
Everywhere you look you’ll see only shadows and pain.
You can always lean on me; get you moving again.
You should know you’re always on my mind.
When you feel you can’t walk one more mile,
You just need a friend to walk you down the road a while.
When you run out of things to say,
And there’s clouds in your mind,
Everyone falls away, they were wasting all your time.
People can be so cruel.
… People can be so cruel.
Everything that happens now will fade away with time.
SCARLETT: Rhett.. if you go where shall I go... what shall I do?
What a terribly serious world it is right now and what a mess we seem to be in. How about some bathroom humour to lighten things up?
Earlier this week Alice and I met up for some lunch and a visit together for the first time in a few weeks. I do look forward to relaxing with her; some girl-time with a good friend. There was another reason for meeting where we did, at a home improvement store. Mrs Halle and I are doing some renovations around the house, and it was time to pick up lots of materials we had agreed on for the project. The appropriate dress for a home improvement store visit is jeans and so I wore jeans and jean jacket over a turtle-neck sweater, all from the gals' side of the clothing store, but very androgynous. Fortunately it was quite warm for this time of year; last year at this time we had lots of snow already. This year, some gloves with the jacket were enough to be comfortable walking outside. I figured at my destination there would be time to fix my hair, put on some concealer, do my eyebrows and put a little mascara on the top lashes. In spite of all efforts to make my lengthening locks look nice it just went everywhere it wanted to. I gave up, texted Alice that I had arrived but was having a bad hair day and seeing her drive in, forgot about the makeup, grabbed my shoulder bag and walked across the parking lot to meet her in guy mode. Or so I thought. After a long drive one of the first orders of business is a visit to the little girls' room, or in my case the men's since I was in male mode... right? As I walked toward a stall, a guy came out of the other one and looked at me kinda funny. I gave it no thought; did my business, washed up and was about to leave when the door opened and a second guy walked in and did a double take as he saw me coming toward him. I just went around him and out the door, quite oblivious to what had happened. But as I stood waiting for Alice to finish in the 'loo, it dawned on me: they both thought I was in the wrong washroom! What a good chuckle Alice had when I told her. Here I was thinking my hair fail and no makeup had caused me to look like a guy. OOPS ~ Wrong! It has only occurred to me since that for many in other places that sort of mistake can be deadly. I am lucky to be living here in a place where all that happens is a couple of shoppers give a puzzled look and my friend and I get a chuckle. It does leave me with a bit of a quandary for future excursions; which washroom to use? Where shall I go? RHETT: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn
Way too often when we look backward in our lives it is with that awful thing; regrets. I don't know about you, but I've done way more than my share of whining about how much better my life might have been. I've even written posts here where I've gone back and met younger versions of myself to give them a little push in another direction, or in a few cases, to meet an alternate and female version of myself in order to find out just how wonderful, or perhaps even mundane and 'normal' life might have been, "If Only..." But the fact is, even years ago, when the darkest of feelings plagued me secretly, and every day was a struggle to keep the façade intact, there were choices that made a huge difference in my life today. There was time spent in conversations with and books recommended by friends that shaped my thinking. There were impulses from out of the blue too, impulses that I followed, and impulses that others followed, and when recalling those now, it is clear that without seemingly random gifts this person I am, currently feeling wonderfully blessed, would not be here, because small but essential pieces of the puzzle would never have fallen into place. I have recently been reminded that even before the façade, before adulthood and the pressures it brought, there were times that were confusing and difficult, yet even then, there was beauty and wonder at work, that has only recently become so very obvious. Whatever we call inner guidance, Aadi, god, or goddess, or even if we never care to name or acknowledge that gifting agent, it is good to be thankful. I feel so very lucky! It does get better.
