"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates
~~ It is not the world you see, but how you see the world that matters ~~

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Collateral Effects

Post 300 
In April this blog will be five years old. Five years ago I could never have imagined what would happen because in desperation, I reached out into the dark.

The person I was five years ago would ask this person I am now "Why are you still writing this blog?"

He would point out I came to the internet to find something else entirely and so I did. I found out who I am, and as an online friend said, "I think I have my issues figured out."

I would say, When you find out who you really are, there are other effects; things that matter even more than those issues we needed to sort out.

Friendship ~ knowing and caring for those who travel along side.

And if you are very lucky, friendship can become passionate love ~ a deep desire to be and experience more as the person in a skin I do not own... it is a feeling that won't go away. A sort of insanity and I cannot and will not lose it. It has given a perspective and acceptance of others I could never have found any other way. I am changed fundamentally and deeply. Thank you Dear C.

My experiences have brought emotional connections I could never have expected. Deep emotional connection is dangerous. Just ask any teen. 
With connection come feelings of hurt when one of those who you have felt a deep connection with leave or seem to be rejecting you. To anyone who has felt that way because of something I did, or didn't do, or wrote, I am so very sorry. 

Last and most, there is connection to spirit ~  all I had read and thought about for fifty years somehow came together through the special filter made from all those other connections and made sense. 
Awareness of that inner spirit brings a peace I have never known and don't feel I deserve.

Mother said "Be careful what you wish for". 

Nobody warned me of collateral effects that would change me forever. Nobody could have told me to run away (or don't you dare run away!) because those other effects would be so compelling.
at 18:38

12 comments:

  1. Tom5 January 2015 at 05:03

    As the leader of the A-team always used to say, "It's good when a plan comes together!" If you think that comment to be a trifle flippant, believe me when I say that I hold you and your achievement in the highest respect. I was not in at the start, five years ago, but I do remember well our hesitant introductions when I found your blog. Even over the relatively short period we have been communicating, I have seen great strides in progress. I cannot say that I have always been able to tune in to what you have said, any more than I could expect everyone to necessarily tune in to my experiences, but I have always read your scripts with care and interest. Your courage and determination are like a lighted beacon for others.

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    1. Halle5 January 2015 at 09:26

      Oh my Tom! What to say? Other than thank you for saying so, and to remind you (for I hope you know) that your hand extended in the dark has helped me along this path. Courage does not appear in isolation.

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  2. Lindsay Byrnes6 January 2015 at 02:52

    Congratulations Halle on your 300th post, which prompted me to look back on your first few posts. I have noted the considerable effort and integrity that has always accompanied your ideas and has helped others unite in support and in maturity along the way, in this mystery that conceivably can become collateral joy !! for from the darkness emerges a new light 1! . ?
    Best wishes

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    1. Halle6 January 2015 at 16:41

      Thank you for your kindness and friendship Lindsay.

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  3. Rouchswalwe7 January 2015 at 19:32

    Prost on the 300th! Yes, I add my gratitude to you for showing us what bravery looks like. You, Halle, are a valued friend! (I hope this comment finally works and appears ... I've been trying for ages, it seems!)

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    1. Halle7 January 2015 at 22:14

      Thank you for the beautiful friendship you personify RW! So glad you managed to get it to work.

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  4. susan12 January 2015 at 16:27

    Many congratulations from me as well, Halle. Although this is my first time visiting your site I've been reading your astute and thoughtful comments made to posts written by my friends Tom and Lindsay for a good while now. You have an admirably sensitive style.

    Over the course of the eight years I've been blogging I've also noticed changes both in myself and in the writers who still participate. Yes, one does get attached to people who are engaged in communicating in this more in-depth forum we've subscribed to. Over the years a number of my former blog friends have gone. Many moved to other online outlets and not a few quit altogether (so far as I know). Some died and that's always very sad and shocking since only one of them was already ill.

    What I've noticed in recent years among the people I know who continue to write regular posts, is a general tendency toward more thoughtful and philosophical topics. Not that I always manage to do so myself, but these are the blogs I visit. I'm glad I do and that we've met each other.

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    1. Halle12 January 2015 at 16:45

      It is wonderful to discover a blog, and the ideas and style there, and then to get to know the author too! A bonus.

      Thank you Susan. I am glad we have met too.

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  5. Anonymous20 January 2015 at 05:43

    I appreciate your kind words which touched me a lot. All the best for the next 300 and more posts. Halle.
    You are a great support for me and your attitude could be an example for all of us.

    Thanks! Feli with her first reply

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    1. Halle20 January 2015 at 07:52

      Such kind thoughts Feli. Thank you so much!

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  6. joanna Santos1 February 2015 at 08:32

    Halle it takes so long to truly know oneself and then proceed to fashion a life that fits that image. Those of us who have struggled with gender identity all of our lives have the added challenge that we tried desperately to conform to what was expected of us instead of what felt right. I don't think that picking one side or the other need always be the right answer but instead in finding a way to embrace and express our dual spirited nature.

    I found my peace after 52 years on this planet and I can tell you are well on your way there yourself. The depth of your posts reflect that for me in a very real way.

    Best,
    Joanna

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    1. Halle1 February 2015 at 11:10

      So true Joanna. Sorting what I think feels right from what my feelings truly are is becoming easier. Finding others who understand the difference is rare.
      Thank you for your kind comment. Best to you too!

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