Last week, Leigh Anne published Was this such a good idea after all? on her blog still.. A piece of work
It is a fine piece and made me think a lot. It made me think about my own essentials at the moment, and my own relationship to people who I get to like a lot in my daily life.
My "essentials" can take one or another path, depending upon how successful the less invasive path is shown to be. This is the path where the endocrinologist says, "yes, an orchiectomy followed by an appropriate hormone therapy will keep you healthy", and I find that my drive to fully abandon the male façade disappears as a result. I think of this as my "Lose the bits, then although I am not a man, to get along in the world I'll continue to cross-dress as one." option.
The second path is the one more familiar to most of you that will bring me squarely up against all that Leigh Anne wrote about, after all the usual and necessary surgery and so forth. My internal map is so ready for life as a woman, and I am lucky to have a body that will not fight against physical transition too much, apart from a rather resonant baritone vocal range that will simply have to be made less resonant somehow.
Leigh Anne writes about cutting off ties with those who knew her before. I cannot imagine doing that. I will accept that some of them might cut ties with me for various reasons. This is not the post where I imagine what might happen in the case. I hope that post never gets written.
I am so lucky to have lots of intelligent and fun people in my daily life. All but one couple know nothing of Halle, and even they do not know that name. They do know that I am transsexual, and what that means. Both are so wonderfully supportive and caring for my sweetie and I, and that gives me hope that all these fears and the hiding are unnecessary.
Is it possible that others who believe I am a good friend are aware that a wall is there that very few get to peek over? Do they feel it? If they don't, I assure you, I do.
There is a sort of dishonest feel to a relationship that excludes what is absolutely the most essential part of who I am. The real kicker comes though with my children and now grandchild. I am a very caring parent and always have been. They know I would walk through burning coal if necessary to help them. Yet, a part of me is hidden and how will they react if/when this is shared?? Will they understand? I can only hope so.
The other part of this whole dilemma was laid out perfectly by Calie this week in her post She's Finally Happy.
Could I live with myself if I learned that one of those friends or family was going through the torture of guilt and self-loathing that is the life of an isolated and unconnected transgender? What if they ended their life, not knowing there was someone so close by and so caring to talk to?
Do all of these thoughts and feelings change the sort of parent or friend I must be?