"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive boy who often thought he should have been a girl - -

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Shouldn't We All Have One?

The question I ask myself often:


If I was the sex I spend so much time obsessing about, 
how would my life change?

The answer these days after working on myself for a long time:


not very much. 

After all, even as a woman I would be wearing the same sort of clothing (yes I've managed to modify my wardrobe considerably) that I do daily. As a woman, I would be doing the same sort of things too. 

So, why the drive for congruence??

It is hard to not be seen as just a little beautiful when that is how you feel.

When quiet and alone it is hard to forget my body is wrong.

When in a social situation where I'd love to dress up and show who I am, my body image is wrong so my clothing is wrong and it makes me feel wrong too. 

But do you know the hardest part these days?

When in a serious conversation about social issues it would be so great to be able to fly my freak flag high and proud! 






Sunday, 9 November 2014

See, I'm Happy Today!

There was a need for a new post to show you all that I spend at least some of my time being non-grumpy!

So, I installed a new gadget on the page below and right. I thought it might be fun for visitors to see where their fellow readers are located on the planet. I thought it might be fun for me too! 

As I was looking for this gadget, it was necessary to scroll through hundreds of other candidates for gadgets to add. A bit like going shopping for a loaf of bread but being forced to walk by and look at hundreds of other delightful items that you really don’t need, don’t want, but tempt you anyway. 

There are dozens of “virtual pets”. Would you think it cute to have a duck, or a school of fish swim around the screen, following your cursor as you scroll about? No… didn’t think so. 

How about quotes by famous people? I find Mark Twain entertaining. Oh, there is George Carlin.. what a clever guy he was. Died this year I think. Hmm, I’m a big Abraham Lincoln fan…

Oh, there’s a Noughts and Crosses (Tic Tac Toe) game for those who get bored.

Well.. that was fun, but in the end, I had to follow the link from Leigh Anne's blog, where I found the revolving globe and then follow the instructions in the help menu to copy the HTML code. 
There! Done.

I feel so very techie this morning! :-)

p.s. interesting that on my smartypantsphone it is a map not a globe. Hmm, maybe some clever expert would be able to explain that. Feeling slightly less techie now. It was fun though. 

Friday, 7 November 2014

Fighting for Peace, Love and Understanding

It has been my belief for some time now that my own fight to be accepted as who I am is part of a more general and wide belief that all should be accepted as they are. That if we all had a wider and loving experience of others around us, other genders, other cultures and age groups, other races and religions, then war could end. 
This morning a fine article with this quote that took me aback:

"Because the thing is, the fight for equality is much stronger when all of the more powerless parts of society join together."

Using Racism to Excuse Sexism in BROADBLOGS

Is it because I'm Canadian that I notice this innocent quote implies there is violence involved in enlightenment? Yes, the language is a little confusing, but their idea is clear. So no, I have no disagreement with the sentiment. Even I use language carelessly at times; read the first sentence again. 
This quote encapsulates some huge problems with North American ideals; that while there are parts of society that are powerless, we still imply that these powerless folk should be fighting
Oh, I know, this is not a new idea: 

It may be that I am old and old-fashioned and Canadian that I notice and wonder about the absence of a spiritual content in our search for peace, love and understanding among peoples. My land was once best known as peacekeepers and calm diplomats moving behind the scenes in a world of high tension. No longer. We rattle our sabres with the best of them these days. At one time our armed forces were considered a force to be greatly feared and respected specifically because we did not fight until there was no peaceful course to be found.

We are all wringing our hands, puzzled that so many members of our enlightened Western civilization are rejecting that world. From an article in The Atlantic,  The Allure of Radical Islam in Canada :

"If you are alienated, angry, and attracted to violence, radical Islam provides a powerful ideology of justification. If you are lonely and purposeless, it offers redemptive self-sacrifice"

There is too much celebration of violence in our world these days. If you have no access to the popular North American culture as expressed by the media, I envy you. It is difficult to turn on the television after 8 pm without watching people murder then be murdered themselves in what passes for entertainment.  

The world is waiting for humanity to wake up and pay attention to itself. The lessons are all around.

Walt Kelly's "Pogo" Earth Day 1971
WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND HE IS US

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Next Steps

Maybe the hardest thing for me is recognize what is best for myself. 

Trial and error, stupid blind luck, and a lot of desperation lead me to writing a journal as self-help therapy. Even better luck, or some divine intervention sent me online where blogging and all of you helped me even more. What a wonderful surprise to find this community. Yet in spite of that, some days I feel isolated and impotent. Not a good feeling.

Impotent because there seems to be nothing of long term worth in what I am doing now.

Isolated because I haven't held the hand of a sister or brother of my true family.

My therapist, the good Doctor T thinks writing has been my best therapy and suggests the next step is a new format and a wider audience. 

My friend Calie, who I love and respect, thinks I need to find a way to be with trans friends who are close enough for conversation over a meal. 

I definitely need to do some things differently. 
      Make new mistakes                           
Learn                    
Grow. 



Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Not One of the Shades

For those of you unfamiliar with goings on in Canada, and let's be honest, that includes just about everyone who is not living in Canada, and sadly, many who do live here, there is a (former) radio personality making news these days. 
The story came out slowly. The timeline is interesting in itself. At first I thought as I'm sure many did, "Here we go again with a public figure being persecuted because it has become public knowledge they are living a life that "normal" folk can't accept." 

Mr Ghomeshi has not had his day in court. That may never come. Whether he turns out to have been wronged by the CBC, or is found guilty of a crime, this has stopped being about intolerance toward those who embrace a BDSM lifestyle. The discussion now is about power over, and male privilege and abuse

Please click the link and head on over to Mercedes Allen's site and read 
BDSM, Gender, Entitlement and Jian Ghomeshi 

As always at Dented Blue Mercedes, this post is interesting and so well written. Come on back here for a discussion after if you like.