If I was the sex I spend so much time obsessing about,
how would my life change?
The answer these days after working on myself for a long time:
not very much.
After all, even as a woman I would be wearing the same sort of clothing (yes I've managed to modify my wardrobe considerably) that I do daily. As a woman, I would be doing the same sort of things too.
So, why the drive for congruence??
It is hard to not be seen as just a little beautiful when that is how you feel.
When quiet and alone it is hard to forget my body is wrong.
When in a social situation where I'd love to dress up and show who I am, my body image is wrong so my clothing is wrong and it makes me feel wrong too.
But do you know the hardest part these days?
When in a serious conversation about social issues it would be so great to be able to fly my freak flag high and proud!
This is very much how I feel, Halle.
ReplyDeleteI suspect there's very little about my life that would change if I were living as a woman. For the most part I'd wear the same clothes I do now, excpet for wearing skirts slightly more often. I'd still paint my nails. I'd still almost never wear makeup. My hobbies and interests and peronality would all be the same.
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my room, by myself, reading, I ask does my gender matter now? And always it does. Even though one can see me, even though I'm not being read as male or called he. It matters just to me.
Yup, the really short answer is it just does.
DeleteThanks Ashley
Reminds me of the time when I was outside cutting the hedges and a horse came up to the gate and my immediate thought was "I wonder if this horse knows what gender I am". Our gender allows matters, I agree.
ReplyDeleteSorry about my typo, I meant "always" not allows.
DeleteWe visited some folks with a cat that was all over me, wanting attention. The hostess said it was so funny because her cat doesn't usually like men...
DeleteI'd be willing to make a bet your phone has predictive text... Thanks Joey :)
I had the same experience with a dog. The guy told me everything would be ok as his dog only disliked men. I had been post-op for about eight years though. I suppose it was due to hormones?
DeleteShirley Anne x
In some ways I'm much the same as I was before I transitioned: still obsessed with music, still a baseball geek, still a hopeless klutz... lol But the difference is I'm doing all of those things as ME. Finally. And it makes all the difference in the world.
ReplyDeleteFascinating post, and comments. Thank you for the food for thought, folks!
== Cass
Much the same but completely different...
ReplyDeleteStop and look at the guys around you, I know that even as a child I knew I was not one of them and all my life it pained me when people thought I was.
Behaviour is conditioned, you are expected to join the male group at any gathering and converse about subjects which do not stir your heart knowing that there is another group near by where you could join in and blossom.
Instead of mentally and physically being tightly clenched you can be relaxed and free. Being the prettiest guy in the room is not as great as being one of the plainer girls and breathing freely at last.
Unfair Coline, you know me so well. But thank you for the reminder. I am definitely the prettiest guy BTW.
DeleteHi Halle,
ReplyDeleteI gather that many people are unable to understand the gender distress that you have endured, and the societal pressures to keep all of this under wraps so to speak. But as you can see from the Q&A session, having the opportunity to talk about it openly to a very large audience can engender community empathy.
I am sure you will fly your flag – but its isn’t a freak flag, rather it is who you are. Maybe you can start take a few more tentative steps along the way, as you have, towards aligning your feelings with your general persona and dress with the support of others.
Best wishes
For a very long time, it was about my fear, and then I told my wife about my feelings and she made me promise to keep this under the wraps, because she is afraid.
DeleteLately, I realize this is a much more complex web and the simple solution, to cut through the web, will involve ending my childhood dream of making people I love happy by 'being good'.
Who I truly am is a sort of freak to many Lindsay.. a very kind and caring one to be sure.
Flying that flag of mine openly is really what it is about, and lately it seems to me there will be empathy.
Thank you for your encouragement.
No, not a freak, just one of a minority who are different. But women all the same.
ReplyDeleteI thought Coline's comment perfectly expressed how I feel as well.
One day you might get the chance to live a woman's life, 24/7. It will be an experience full of unexpected and unimagined sensations, satisfactions - and problems!
Lucy
If embracing my freedom to be myself leads to live a woman's life, I know a number of good women who have been honest and open about their own journey who I will have to thank.
DeleteWhat would a life be without problems?
Thank you Lucy.
I had a point in my life some decades ago where I could have changed. I had enough money saved to pay for surgery and no relationship ties. The only problem was that you have to have a life to lead once you are reborn...
ReplyDeleteYou can change and feel wonderful in ways you probably cannot imagine but, apart from any close collateral damage your change causes, the world around you will not change and you have to fit into it. We are probably all guilty of concentrating so much on the self that we forget that.
It sounds like you have promised to hide your true self from the world, I made a similar promise to myself fearing hurting those around me. It is a lot to hold in and hide from the world...
Good luck.
Ruby, your caution is as my own. We play out various scenarios based on what we know about the world we must fit into.
DeleteOne thing that life has taught me though, is that even as guilty as I might be of concentrating on myself, other people are similarly more self-absorbed than we imagine. If you play the role they expect, as a man or a woman, friend or acquaintance, all goes well. As well, family who can recognize that the person they love is still a loving part of their lives, will 'have your back' (thanks Cass).
On the subject of "a lot to hold in and hide from the world", the past four years have changed me so much, growing in so many ways, that my old promise to hide has become ever so much harder to honour.
Thank you and all the best to you too Ruby.
The thing to ask yourself has to be, 'Have I reached that point in my life's journey where I am completely happy and satisfied in and with myself or is there more I want or need to accomplish'? If there is then what will you do about it? It is one thing to speak about such things but another to work them out. Remember Halle, all you can be is yourself, everyone else has been taken.
ReplyDeleteShirley Anne x
It is when I consider how these self-imposed limitations are affecting things I want to do next that I am led to consider what is to be done.
DeleteI do love that last sentence Shirley Anne... "... everyone else has been taken"
xx Halle
Halle I wonder how much liberty you give yourself to express your internal sense of gender. Do you ever fully cross dress? is that something that you can permit yourself? this was something that I need which helps me align the external with the internal and has helped me find peace. Maybe you want to meld everything into one melting pot?
ReplyDeleteI think being who you are can mean many things and can include a male and female persona in the same vessel without any contradiction. If its just clothes then who cares. I like feeling pretty and feminine sometimes but can also be the other guy and be happy. I may not be mister macho when I am him but then I don't need to posture like I used to think I needed to in order to keep up a façade.
I am me!
xo,
Joanna
Shall I state the obvious and say, it's complicated? Heheh. I don't give myself that liberty to dress completely now. Some of that is because dressing up and staying home makes no sense whatsoever to me now, and I have no 'community' to spend time with presenting as myself here where I live.
DeleteA few years ago, I needed to see myself, and so I did, and liked what I saw very much. In fact, it haunts me to some extent still to look in the mirror and see anything but. That is why I've said that I feel the next time I present as a female will signal a move toward an end to presenting as a male. I cannot imagine going back and forth as you suggest.
So for me, it isn't really about the clothes, but what is underneath. It is about aligning my body with my mind.
Even as a new reality, an evolving "me" becomes clearer, my struggle continues to find ways to keep up some vestige of the façade.
Thanks for stopping by Joanna!
xx
I used to limit myself and not do things as Joanna too publicly and was afraid that the more I did the more I would want to remain that way for good but in fact it wasn't the case at all. You are perhaps more sure that you will want to remain Halle 100% of the time once you cross a threshold and perhaps that is what should happen in order for you to be whole.
DeleteOnly you have that answer but being fearful of exploring the next step is what kept me in limbo and it was only once I moved forward that I knew what my limit was but also where my peace of mind resided.
It can be a very scary proposition I know because it can involve dismantling a life we have built over many years but remaining in limbo can be considerably worse.
it can involve dismantling a life we have built over many years but remaining in limbo can be considerably worse.
DeleteThis pretty much summarizes where I was for a very long time, and seeing a different set of possibilities is part of my "new reality".
I am glad that you are refocusing on different possibilities Halle...
ReplyDelete