Many of us relate this 'experience' as an internal division into male and female parts. I have several times in the past here, here and here. None of it is 'real' since quite obviously there is one person here. From what I can see from their reaction, others cannot tell who is 'in charge', and in fact, mostly I cannot either unless, as is the case right now, she is absent, or at other times when she is very strong. I often wonder what, if any, good comes from perceiving this internal divide? Perhaps as a gauge of my mental health?
It seems she takes little sabbaticals; abandoning me for days at a time, then reappearing, more mature and self-possessed in each case. It is very much as our friend Sophie suggested in a comment back in August this past year. Speaking from the perspective of her now female self, she used the metaphor of a little girl who sits in the back seat, wondering out loud 'are we there yet?'. Over time she matured, learned to read the map, watched the 'guy' driving and eventually learned how to drive herself, then announced one day “Pull the car over, I'm going to drive now.” I miss you Sophie and often wonder if you are well; no longer 'in the boonies'.
There is no doubt that my girl is quite capable of piloting this craft these days. She had a turn at the helm last month, and not only did just fine, she excelled; it frightens me to realized this. It makes me wonder if 'his' days are numbered, and what that means...
Hi Halle,
ReplyDeleteI won't presume to speak for your personal experience. There are similarities between what you describe and how I felt through my 20s.
I went through periods of relative peace followed by episodes of intense dysphoria. The difference was that when I hit my own crisis wall (rather hard, I admit), it was painfully clear for me that I needed to transition.
Through the sorting out process, I kept trying to find a place short of transition where I could be moderately comfortable. I found some beautiful places, but none of them were destined to be my home.
While I went through a period of duality, that was fairly early in transition. Transition itself enabled me to integrate all of myself and my experiences in both masculine and feminine roles into a single person.
In truth, I didn't lose anything - I simply became a complete individual.
The question I sense you are facing right now is whether or not you can continue to live with such a profound duality in your world.
Whether transition is part of your path is something only you can answer - and there are no wrong answers.
Somehow I think many of us share more than a planet. Example.
ReplyDeleteIf you were to take a look at "Why don't you...", you will see that I mentioned identifying with HBS II. That was posted in early August of last year.
Hopping over to the taxonomy series (part 3 was posted 12.17.10), I show as type III.
As I type this, I look at the chart again and can see some type IV traits showing. So much for the plateau.
Expanding on your analogy I have a learners permit to drive and am studying for a pilots license.
In the United States, I cannot afford an "airplane".
Hugs
Sarah
Well Sarah, even though in Canada, 'airplanes' are a bit less costly, the ancillary fees are high.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, while checking out the definition of ancillary, one might notice the following, from the latin;
"ancillāris" having the status of a female slave
hugs,
Halle
He has been terrible tired of driving. He had a couple of conversations this weekend to figure out whether he should even be in the car anymore. She gently told him it's alright and that his days of responsibility are over, not to worry.
ReplyDeleteHe is asleep now most of the time and no more than a shadow.