"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Sunday, 28 August 2011

It Changes Everything

For something to be humorous it needs to have a spark of truth, with a twist. Nothing is the same after you tell a spouse what I had to tell her back in 2008. We have grown to an understanding of who we are now, and while my sweetie is very patient about her new man, there are some things that can never be the same.

She and I view this cartoon, for instance, in a very different way from our friends.


  1. Yes... I know exactly what you mean.


  2. Now *that* is funny! I literally laughed out loud when I read that one.

  3. I'm not sure whether or not to show that to Mrs. J. :(

  4. I'm with Teagan!

    With divorce so easy and lacking in stigma now the vows are a joke for most and marriage is little more than an excuse for an expensive pantomime party.

    We offer a different challenge from most but would so many spouses abandon you at the first sign of many other health issues?

  5. @Caroline

    I don't think marriage vows are a joke for most. I think a lot of people take them very seriously, and plenty of marriages do not end in divorce.

    At the same time, I don't think it's fair to consider this like any other issue that might end a marriage. Yes, for us it's a health issue. But for the partner, it fundamentally changes their world. The partner can't just become gay. You either is or you ain't, with a precious few being flexibly in between. So I would never condemn a partner for leaving. I have great admiration for those who stay, because it's really well above and beyond the call of duty.

  6. The hatred towards a once loved one is what I find a puzzle. Often it seems much more than if the spouse had been brutal or unfaithful yet they are probably only expressing qualities which probably made them attractive as a partner in the first place...

    I was doubting the absolute seriousness of vows in an age when they are so easily untied.

  7. @Caroline: I see your point that the easy separation and divorce laws make it seem as though there is a less serious attitude.
    Those acrimonious situations that we experience tell us something too though, and that is that while society is willing to allow us to cut the tie easily, we as individuals still take what we are doing as married couples very seriously, investing so much of ourselves in that other.
    Finding out that this person is fundamentally different from who we believed them to be causes us to question what it was that brought us together in the first place.
    An abusive relationship might even seem less of a change to some.
    I remember saying to my wife, "it isn't as though you just found out I am an ax murderer".
    In some ways, it seemed she might have found that to be less of a shock.

  8. While I chuckled at this, it is something I have considered along the way. In spite of my first reaction, I have a lot of empathy for Amy. I cannot begin to imagine the adjustment she is having to go through just to stay with me, and knowing where this is all headed. I am faithful that she is one of those who can, as Ariel puts it rise "above the call of duty."

    Hindsight being 20/20 this was a question I should have honestly asked of myself back then.


  9. As some of you may already have realized, the theme of my blog is essentially my strong belief in love, marriage and compromise.

    As Caroline commented, the hatred towards someone who once was so loved is confusing. It makes me wonder if true love was ever there in the beginning. There's something wrong with the picture of wife who now is in a rage against a husband who is transitioning. Was her love for "him" really there in the beginning?

    I can say with absolutely no doubt that if I were to transition, my sweetie would stay with me and that is because our love for each other is simply unbreakable. It's deep. It can withstand the perfect storm.

    But, I do know that she would be very, very disappointed because she is a heterosexual woman who married a male.

    I've been very straight with her and I've never lied to her. She knows what I am. She knows my local friends and embraces them.

    There are some things I have held back because I don't want to hurt her. While marrying her was the best thing to ever happen to me, perhaps the worst thing I've ever done to her is not to share with her my feelings, prior to our marriage, that marriage with "fix" my issues. That was wrong and for that reason, I fight to remain as I am rather than change to what I should be.

    I do this because our love for each other is so deep. If our marriage was rocky and we were just staying together for the sake of the children, well I'd probably transition as soon as the children were of age and leave the marriage.

    Just my thoughts...

    Oh, and I know Teagan is going through a rough time right now. I questioned myself about writing this comment because I don't want to offend Teagan in any way. Girl, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say about my feelings about my marriage and I'm not in any way trying to belittle your married life.