feeling disjointed

Today's post is about as close to 'blurting' as you will see here, for the feelings are way too raw to allow me to edit as well as usual.

In correspondence with a friend who reads this blog, she mentioned that 'things' seem to be going well for me right now. The recent posts are giving this impression it would seem, an impression that is not totally false by any means, but then, not quite true either. "Who wants to read a whiny blog?" says I, to which she pointed out "The blog is for any purpose you choose".

I choose to remind anyone who cares that no matter how calmly and carefully you might think you have approached it, being honest with yourself and others comes with a heavy price. Pulling at a thread in a tightly woven garment is dangerous, ok?

This is a world that will accept androgyny, in fact, to some extent, it seems to worship it, in fashion models and celebrities. If I desired a public life as an item of curiosity it would make my life easier, I will admit. At a personal level however, people are uncomfortable with androgyny.

Even when I was willing to pretend to be a manly man, it was never something I excelled in. No, let me be honest, I sucked at 'manly'. Since abandoning my façade this has only got worse. In a pack of men, I might as well have a bag over my head for all the conversation I can muster and the experience makes me feel like running away.

Changes have been subtle and remember, it has been an overall goal to somehow stay with my spouse of almost forty years, in spite of the obvious difficulties, for her and for me. She has never seen me dressed, because dressing is something done only from time to time and mostly to reassure myself that I am myself. I do not leave makeup or my undies lying around. I do have one thing that is pretty hard to miss that can be an indication of my rejection of male; my lack of hair from the hips down and on my hands. I really hate my furry coating, and after all, lots of men eliminate hair too, so "what of it" I thought. After all, I love her deeply, and that is more important than some superficial attribute, right?

Turns out, this is a deal-breaker for my wife. Keep in mind, virtually nothing else has changed externally here, but obviously, there has been change for her, that she has not comment on, and this has been a 'tipping point' for her. Where we stand at the moment; we are together, but emotionally disconnected. She feels abandoned by these changes, and so she has abandoned me. That is only fair I suppose. It really no longer matters what my intentions were.

We all know what it is like when a bandaid is stuck on the back of your arm and you know it has to come off, and when it comes off, it will hurt, no matter how you do it. Pulling out one hair at a time is slow and prolongs the pain. All at once in one swift pull is the right way. I am a band-aid stuck in her hair. She wants it gone. She knows it has to come off, so what is she waiting for? She is waiting for security, mostly financial, and don't think she doesn't deserve that. My wife put up with a lot and deserves better. She is right to be really pissed off, but we are not wealthy together, and apart, she would find it very difficult.

It is tempting to pull that sticky ol' mess off for her by saying "I am leaving", but that is the man talking, and I am not listening to mr. t much these days.

If I cannot continue to be a best friend to someone who has been my best friend for so long then the rest of my life will be wasted anyway, no matter what else I do. Losing the label 'lover' hurts, a lot, I am having a lot of trouble with that, but no, she will have to make up her own mind, and like a friend, I will do my best to listen and try to help her when she comes up with her plan. I have to do what is in my heart here and that is it. What she wants most of all is for me to 'Just forget about all of this nonsense and go back to the way you were!' If you are reading this you do not need me to explain.

As a good friend says, don't be like me. Be yourself. But be ready for that personal journey to reveal some surprises, and not all good ones.