"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Thursday 8 December 2011

feeling disjointed

Today's post is about as close to 'blurting' as you will see here, for the feelings are way too raw to allow me to edit as well as usual.

In correspondence with a friend who reads this blog, she mentioned that 'things' seem to be going well for me right now. The recent posts are giving this impression it would seem, an impression that is not totally false by any means, but then, not quite true either. "Who wants to read a whiny blog?" says I, to which she pointed out "The blog is for any purpose you choose".

I choose to remind anyone who cares that no matter how calmly and carefully you might think you have approached it, being honest with yourself and others comes with a heavy price. Pulling at a thread in a tightly woven garment is dangerous, ok?

This is a world that will accept androgyny, in fact, to some extent, it seems to worship it, in fashion models and celebrities. If I desired a public life as an item of curiosity it would make my life easier, I will admit. At a personal level however, people are uncomfortable with androgyny.

Even when I was willing to pretend to be a manly man, it was never something I excelled in. No, let me be honest, I sucked at 'manly'. Since abandoning my façade this has only got worse. In a pack of men, I might as well have a bag over my head for all the conversation I can muster and the experience makes me feel like running away.

Changes have been subtle and remember, it has been an overall goal to somehow stay with my spouse of almost forty years, in spite of the obvious difficulties, for her and for me. She has never seen me dressed, because dressing is something done only from time to time and mostly to reassure myself that I am myself. I do not leave makeup or my undies lying around. I do have one thing that is pretty hard to miss that can be an indication of my rejection of male; my lack of hair from the hips down and on my hands. I really hate my furry coating, and after all, lots of men eliminate hair too, so "what of it" I thought. After all, I love her deeply, and that is more important than some superficial attribute, right?

Turns out, this is a deal-breaker for my wife. Keep in mind, virtually nothing else has changed externally here, but obviously, there has been change for her, that she has not comment on, and this has been a 'tipping point' for her. Where we stand at the moment; we are together, but emotionally disconnected. She feels abandoned by these changes, and so she has abandoned me. That is only fair I suppose. It really no longer matters what my intentions were.

We all know what it is like when a bandaid is stuck on the back of your arm and you know it has to come off, and when it comes off, it will hurt, no matter how you do it. Pulling out one hair at a time is slow and prolongs the pain. All at once in one swift pull is the right way. I am a band-aid stuck in her hair. She wants it gone. She knows it has to come off, so what is she waiting for? She is waiting for security, mostly financial, and don't think she doesn't deserve that. My wife put up with a lot and deserves better. She is right to be really pissed off, but we are not wealthy together, and apart, she would find it very difficult.

It is tempting to pull that sticky ol' mess off for her by saying "I am leaving", but that is the man talking, and I am not listening to mr. t much these days.

If I cannot continue to be a best friend to someone who has been my best friend for so long then the rest of my life will be wasted anyway, no matter what else I do. Losing the label 'lover' hurts, a lot, I am having a lot of trouble with that, but no, she will have to make up her own mind, and like a friend, I will do my best to listen and try to help her when she comes up with her plan. I have to do what is in my heart here and that is it. What she wants most of all is for me to 'Just forget about all of this nonsense and go back to the way you were!' If you are reading this you do not need me to explain.

As a good friend says, don't be like me. Be yourself. But be ready for that personal journey to reveal some surprises, and not all good ones.


  1. Its hard to read posts such as yours - I always have a desperate wish that partners can support us through the challenges we face. Clearly this is often a misplaced hope and it saddens me this is the case. Its seems that the loss of some hair is a very small thing but clearly it's the representation of what it means more than the act itself.

    I hope that you both can find a way to work things through - I know from my own situation that a loss of someone so close to me would make the rest of my life considerably poorer, and this is not money related. Thinking of you.


  2. Dearest Halle,

    If I was to write this post, I could not have said it better. You have hit some very raw nerves with my own situation, and rendered me to leak fluid from my eyes.

    While it is true that my wife and I are both Christians, and divorce is not in our vocabulary, except in the case of infidelity ( which is not a possibility ), we are struggling a bit to remain the loving people we both married. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife more right now than I ever have in the forty years we have been married, and I will do almost anything to maintain that, except deny who I really am.

    Please know that I continue to pray for you and your wife. It doesn't matter what your personal beliefs are, this is something I have no control over. The Lord leads me to do these things, for others as well as myself.

    If I don't get to write you between now and December 25, may you and your Sweety have a blessed Merry Christmas. And try to remember that Jesus is the true reason for the season.

    Hugs and Prayers,

    Cynthia XX

  3. Thank you both for those thoughts and hopes and yes, prayers too.


  4. My life has turned out to be the proof that a couple can stay together when one of the partners transitions after half a lifetime together.

    There was no whooping with joy when I made my announcement, I could not have been further from the typical male but it still came as a surprise to her.

    After such a time together we had both already transitioned so far from who we were when we first met, what we each gave to and got from the relationship had moved on considerably from those early days of passion. How many couples even after such a long time together really know what the other one wants from the relationship or what they are prepared to give to it to make it live.

    Three years on and both of us are really pleased and somewhat surprised at how much better life has become since I started out on this journey. For a long time there was something of a chill between us when it came physical closeness and while I never expect to be an object of desire and lust there is now in physical warmth which had not been there for a long time.

    Much of my reluctance to transition was because of my fear of how it would affect my partner's life and career and how her friends and family would look upon us. As it turned out almost 100% of my fears were unfounded and as we continue our lives there is hardly a mention ever made about what I have done.

    I often wonder how many relationships which break up would have stayed together if the hesitant partner had been able to sample a little of what life is really could be like in a year so time. So many of them seem so determined to give up everything in the hope of gaining almost nothing...

    I find it hard to believe that the creature who was once quite prepared to end their life rather than continue with the painful pantomime it had become has regained the love and affection of a once sceptical partner, and for the first time in living memory feels that life is full of happiness.

    I still remember those dark days of inner torment so you have my commiserations at the mental torment you are going through, I hardly know what to do with all the time that has been freed up by ending them…

    When the roulette wheel stops turning, may your fate be a happy one too...

  5. Halle, my thoughts are with you. I have nothing to suggest that could possibly be of any help to you in respect of the circumstances you describe but I can say that I have quite often felt very disjointed in my life for other reasons than yours and have learned to live with my past and my present.It can get better whichever way it goes.

  6. Caroline, I'd like you to know how much your upbeat comments have meant to me. Knowing that for some there is a future where both come out feeling positive is so important. Thank you.

    Perhaps the taking off of the bandaid is me moving forward to do what I must, letting her know what she is dealing with. I wonder if in my attempt to make things work for us, and delaying so much, I am creating an environment where she has to run away. I do wish there was a way to 'cut to the chase' giving my wife a taste of what might be, but that will have to wait until I have eliminated all other alternatives. As another friend has commented in an email, this situation must not stampede me into a rash action.

    Ellena, I do not think it would be possible to hang in here if I wasn't convinced that better times can come, in some form, probably a form I cannot even imagine.

  7. Halle,

    I'm sorry that your wife's reaction is the one that so many of us fear. That fear is what holds us in the tightest of grips, more than any other IMHO. Hopefully, with some more time, things will change and an outcome more like Caroline's will be possible.

    In my case, the months and years are going by, but while I am not able to do RLT, etc. Karin is gradually taking over for me in our marriage. It has been over two years now, but as I have been patient and (with the economy, forced to be) deliberative on how/when I can be the real me - it has been successful for the most part. We have rough patches about the other things in life, which I of course internalize and make about me and my GID. Such a girl, right? But, I have found that I will always worry about all this and how it affects her. I cannot change that, just as I cannot change the wrinkles on my hands or the new ones on my face. All I can do is love her as much as I can. Like the rest of us, I like you just hope that can be enough.

    I'll pray for you both.



    p.s. If I may, I love what Caroline wrote here: "what they are prepared to give to it to make it live." So true. : )

  8. When I became aware of what I really was dealing with I found it easier, for the time being, to deny some of the more extreme possibilities of what Amy and I were facing. Then I hit the wall. It was real tense at first, then the tension wore off, and Amy and I are now at a place where she is comfortable with a simple idea. No matter what happens, she will have a good friend by her side. My shape may change but my loyalty will remain. The comfort of loyalty really does make all the difference in the world.

    As I recall, you posted a comic a few months ago where the wife was wanting to know bow bad "worse" could get. Sometimes it's best we get the "news" in pieces rather than all at once.


  9. Halle:

    I feel for you, as our situations are a bit similar. While my spouse and I have only been together for about 15 years, we originally had a very strong bonding and that has carried us through her more recent change in heart regarding Arianwen. While Arianwen was originally accepted as part of the relationship, external factors have now contributed to make her an exile -- out of sight = out of mind.

    I wish I could give you more sage advice than to just take it day by day and hope that your wife will come around, but that is all I can give. Honest communication between the two of you may be the only key to the experience Caroline has left above.

    Best of luck to you on getting a more favourable outcome in this dilemma, and my best wishes for you to be able to "hold it together" for the intervening time.

    Warmest regards!

  10. Clearly, I'm late in reading this post and some of what you write has been dealt with. I did want to comment on this:

    Even when I was willing to pretend to be a manly man, it was never something I excelled in. No, let me be honest, I sucked at 'manly'. Since abandoning my façade this has only got worse. In a pack of men, I might as well have a bag over my head for all the conversation I can muster and the experience makes me feel like running away.

    I just can't agree more and I think I have said the same, though not as eloquently as you, Halle.

    The hair issue is not my issue, however. The issue goes much beyond that and is probably also the case with you. The desire to change sex can be absolutely over-powering, as it is for me today....a feeling that I just cannot go another day in a male body. I'll get over it. I always do, but it is more and more difficult to do so as time goes on. Today is difficult...

    Calie xxx