"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

- - scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive girl who was fooled into believing she was a boy because of anatomy - -

Friday 22 June 2012


An old issue has come back to haunt me, related to that womanly heart that has been stuck all my life in a man's body.
For most of my life, I have had only one girlfriend; I married her. We are good friends mostly because, as she reminds me, we know each other so very well. We have shared history after all.
She and I compare notes on the women in our social circle, some of whom are her friends.
It comes naturally to notice the outfits they wear, and what makeup they are wearing and how appropriate each is for the occasion. Hairstyles and what sort of cut their stylist gave them get checked out and how they conduct themselves gets checked out too. It is fun to compare notes with my wife of course, because she notices all these things too. Her women friends are sometimes my friends too of course, but they are not my 'girlfriends'.
Since blogging started, I have developed a circle of friends here of course; you have been catalysts for growth and positive change; thank you all.

What I have noticed most of all though is how rare it is for me to meet someone in my 'real life' who I think I would want as a friend. Amazingly, in the last few months it has happened, three times. One of these three women is also my wife's friend, and that complicates things, but she knows and is understanding about my transsexuality. There are two other women who I have got past the superficial stages of conversation with, moving into feelings and what we really care about. No, they do not know I am transsexual, yet.

I am struggling; I want to continue to engage them in this sort of serious conversation. I care about who they are and what they think, and like good friends do, they are also wondering how I think and most of all how I feel about those topics we have already broached. They worry about me sometimes when I have a hard time hiding my depression.

There are problems at many levels with such conversations, not the least of which is an old problem. A man (and that is what they see) and woman who start such serious conversations can very easily seem to be 'coming on' to each other. In my case, it is not true, but it may be for them; I do not really know, but I really care because I do not want to hurt them.

These sort of concerns bring back memories of myself, a teenager, not understanding why my girlfriends could not just be my friends. They wanted more, and when I did not respond appropriately with sexual advances, they started to pull away. I realize how naive that 'boy' was now. They never asked if I was 'gay', but they were likely thinking that, and 'friendship' was lost.

Here I am, sixty, and still wearing the body of that teenaged boy, somewhat worse for wear, about to reach out, and risk much by attempting to navigate the 'girlfriend who is not a lover' conundrum yet again.

More to the point, here I am, considering the possibility of getting to know some new friends; ones who would very possibly be best friends sex change or no. They could become my first real life girlfriends. I would really love that, because they are both wonderful, interesting people.


  1. Only once in my adult life when thought to be a guy did I have a serious "best friend" who was female, really my closest best friend ever. We became so understanding and natural together that we were several times taken to be married! Though we had made it clear to each other that the friendship was just that and would never be anything else she drew away because of what she thought others would think!!

    Now that I have stepped forward and changed, women friends in general have become much closer and open though I doubt that I shall ever have anything like my lost friendship...

  2. I find that I am the most happy when I put myself out there; so I say go for it! Over the years it has been the friendships with females that I have cherished the most. But they have also been the most challenging. So be cautious and aware, but go for it!

  3. Here it comes Halle. Foot in my mouth or whatever one says. Not sure if I'll be able to write this the way I think it (took me a while to think about it as it is). 'Sex change or no' as you say, in my opinion, can only work if future girlfriends know that you are transgender. If you are seen as a man it would have to be a platonic relationship which it only becomes to be so after she has been your lover consumed or not, for one time or more. I think

  4. I really like having female friends. x x

  5. I have thought about your comments a lot, of course; I posted this because of conflicting thoughts after all.

    Nadine, I think it is the no-nonsense attitude that women have brought to discussions that I enjoy the most. Sad to say, having patience for someone in my position is very difficult for most people and especially women; I do not blame them a bit if they withdraw from such contradictory behaviour.

    So far, I have backed away a bit from each of the women I wrote about in this post. As I think Ellena is implying, unless they know about my transsexualism, attempts to become close will have to go through a fiery trial of 'lover turned to good friend', and this is a deception I hate.

    To let them know the real me, I would have to make a decision they should be allowed to make for themselves; whether to carry some of the burden of who I am vs who I appear to be. Sadly, it is impossible to tell them and at the same time give them the option of not knowing. It seems the best choice is to leave them free of that burden and therefore be a casual male friend to these wonderful people.

    It hurts to make this sort of choice and lose the potential closeness friendships like the one Caroline describes, but unless there is a sign of some sort that tells me one or the other of them could and would gladly share that sort of burden, it is the only path I can see.

  6. I had a wonderful friend, she was as close as it comes to that special female friendship thing. She died of cancer sadly before I came out to myself and my wife. I'm sure she would have understood me - but would I have been brave enough to discuss my feminine side with her?

    So I understand where you are coming from, and your turmoil of thoughts and desirers. I hope it works out for you in the end.

    HUgs Anna

  7. Oh Anna, that is so sad to lose any good friend. Thank you.

  8. Halle, I can so relate to your discription of the naive teenaged boy who didn't know that sexual advances were expected from me! I blogged about that in one of my posts too. I almost even lost my wife prior to our marriage after months of dear friendship because I could not get to the first step of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Eventually we sorted it out and have a great relationship on many levels, and she is my greatest support.
    A short while back she outed me to one of her longtime closest girlfriends, who lives in another state, it was really good to have that woman fully accept me and even remark that she had seen the great change in me (even though my presentation is only modified in a minor way so far) she saw how much more calm, pleasant and engaging I am now and she really likes it. We will see her at the end of the month when her daughter marries, and it will be my first time spent with she and her husband as an outed transgender woman. I am looking forward to this new facet of the friendship.
    I so enjoy your posts, you feel as comfortable as a dear long-time friend to me! Love, Laurie.

  9. Talk about serendipity Laurie, just when I was wondering if it is time to hang up the blogger shingle, this lovely person comes along and reminds me we have an important bond shared with others who travel this road beside us.
    Thank you for your friendship. <3

    1. Indeed, I have run into this kind of serendipity everywhere I have turned in this journey, it is about relationships and is both beautiful and fulfilling!
      Love, Laurie.